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Co-admin driving members from site


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Looking for a bit of advice on a situation with my co-admin. I will preface with the fact that while most of the content on the site is mine and I handle the payment for us to be unrated, they are ultimately the global admin.

 

We have always been told that we have different leadership styles; they are more cut and dry, and I am more lenient. We have argued several times over things that I have allowed that they state they would not have. They inform me regularly that I am too nice, am getting taken advantage of, and being played.

 

During the course of our adminship together, a handful of members have contacted me privately telling me that my co-admin was taking away their fun by telling them no to certain things, that they felt this co-admin was too controlling. One member said if it isnt their way, then it's the highway. This has caused conflicts in our chat group where some members have quite obviously provoked and antagonized my co-admin into becoming angry, which, when they do, they don't always speak nicely. I tend to stay out of these and privately remind my co-admin that a newer member might be turned off by this. WE know which of our members intentionally try to get under my co-admin's skin, but a newbie might not, and might just believe my co-admin is an abrasive person.

 

This has felt like a general theme for our site the past few months, but lately things really revved up. Following months of the same few people bringing down the mood of our Discord server with very suicidal messages and attention-seeking tendancies, we decided to remove one of the problematic channels intended for rants/vents.

 

One member in particular disagreed with a sitewide rule that we made about forbidding that sort of content, going so far as to throwing a public fit about it. When we privately contacted that member explaining our reasoning for the ruling, they began to fight back, and personally attacked my co-admin, accusing them of being the reason for their low mental health because of how they belittle people. I screened my co-admin's responses before they sent them to this member as I feared it was going to become personal from there. All-in-all, we felt confident that if screenshots were ever blasted around attempting to make us look bad, that the member in question was going to shoot themselves in the foot, seeing as THEY were the one making personal attacks and refusing to be any sort of reasonable.

 

We agreed to allow this member to remain with us, though since then, this person has contributed little towards the site and activity, only roleplaying with one other person. They have repeatedly tested or broken the rules of our chat server, causing us to ban them twice. To our knowledge, they have rallied up 3-4 other members, two of them who have been with us since the start of the site, and moved on to another site while remaining on ours in the loosest sense of the word.

 

Most recently, a conversation between our #1 problem member's BFF and several others (all four staff present, included) in which the integrity of the site plot was threatened over this member's interest in a certain personal plot occurred. Nobody was telling this person no, but a lot of questions arose. The member became quickly frustrated and threw up a message about how ridiculous not being able to thread two certain characters together was, and then left our Discord server. Within moments, our #1 problem member came into our Guest channel and, presumably after being fed the convo from their BFF (aka the member who was actually a part of it), went on a very sarcastic tirade.

 

I later received messages from the two members involved, being the only one of four staffers to get one. They apologized to me for their behavior, stating they never wanted to hurt me, but that they cannot deal with my partner anymore. One of the members said that my co-admin is going to singlehandedly tank the site, and that they claim to have screenshots of chat logs where at least six other members have stated they no longer want to be on our site due to my co-admin.

 

I'm so torn right now. I have known my co-admin for YEARS, but I have also made deep friendships within my community, some of which appear to be leaving. I am having a difficult time differentiating whether or not my co-admin is the tyrant that these people claim them to be, or if they're just mad that they didn't get their way. Even if these two are really done, we still have a handful of members remaining with us, a few of which have been something of the ones to contact me in the past regarding my co-admin's attitude in conversations either with them or that they have observed, but generally like the atmosphere of the site and are appreciative of some of the latest rule changes.

 

Our staff team agreed something needed to be done. Due to me being privy to some of our members' disdain for how my co-admin treats them, the two involved included, I attempted to let them know that this seemed less about the questions presented to the member and moreso a culmination of previous conversations where they and/or their BFF felt attacked. My co-admin respondedly very negatively to this, stating they felt attacked and blindsided, even going so far as to state that I should be implicated in being an abusive person because they have proofread and edited messages that I have wanted to send (I can only think of one instance of this), as well as the fact that I have bashed the members in question in private chat with them. Which I won't deny, I've absolutely aired my grievances over applications, content of threads, or being tired of specific members' shit. Some of our members are utter nightmares to admin. However, despite how much I may dislike a member or the things that they do/say, I always treat them objectively and never stopped talking to, plotting, or roleplaying with them. My co-admin on the other hand, has admitted to holding up applications and withholding plots/posts for those that they dislike.

 

I did not deny the accusation, nor did I retort with my knowledge of how my co-admin "punishes" them. I simply stayed quiet. Unfortunately, I'm suspicious that one of our staff members is in cahoots with the two out the door - the #1 problem has been posting very vague, self-deprecating, almost suicidal things on various social media platforms, and one of our staffers has been feeding into it.

 

I feel terrible about this now, and I'm worried that my co-admin's choice to display it in a place where our other staffers could see was basically their way of dragging me under the bus with them. It was almost like a, if they go down, they whole site is going down manner.

 

I am becoming worried that my co-admin is capable of driving members away. I feel like I have invested so much time and emotion into the site that I can't just walk away. Unfortunately, my co-admin also does not appear willing to listen to the testimony of other members, at least not without seeming to be ready to let people know the things that I have said in confidence to them. In the other hand, I'm questioning if I even have any business being an Admin for having complained about people.

 

tldr: Numerous members have complained about my co-admin's abrasive nature, some claiming to have screenshot convos with others about how difficult my co-admin is to get along with. Some members stating my co-admin will be the end of the site. Following a public blowup where a few members left, I brought this to my co-admin's attention, citing it as the likely reason as to why things escalated the way that they did, and in turn they put me on blast in front of the rest of our staff for how I've talked/complained about these people in our private conversations. Afraid to walk away from all the work and dedication but also unsure if I am even capable of being an Admin now.

Anonymous poster hash: ab76e...371

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As I was reading this, I began to wonder if you were me. I spent the first 6-7 months of this year dealing with a dominating co-admin. And even though I controlled all the financial means of the site, and had been administrating it longer than my co-admin, it got to the point where I could not mentally handle the abuse that was directed at me by this person who I had called my friend for years. I chose to leave the site, instead of trying to fight for it. It hurt, but I had to do what was best for my mental health.

 

I even experienced being put on blast in front of our moderating staff, after I questioned some harsh decisions that had been made and requested we reconsider them. 

 

My advice may not be the best advice. If you feel you can handle the fallout from demoting your co-admin, then I'd say do it. It may be a struggle for a while, but if you love the site and the players that remain (even if you lose your problem players) then its worth it. If mentally, it's too difficult to imagine fighting against it, then transfer financial control to the co-admin and cut ties. 

 

I've thankfully moved on to a new site, growing it with people from the old site who did not want to remain on the old site under the other co-admin. This may or may not be something you could viably do.

 

I just know that it was like a weight shrugged off my shoulders, and I felt freer than I had in years.

Anonymous poster hash: c7373...613

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(SORRY double post i did not mean to post anonymous, i reported my flub to get it deleted.)

 

I think, if there is ever a constant disagreement or things are done way too differently from one admin to the other, you need to sit down and consider separating and going different ways. If they are root admin it gets tricky because you can't ban them or demote them. Even worse is you paying for it. 

 

I really don't think any staff team can function without communication or similar ideals and methods. I know it feels like a short response to everything you've given, but the ship generally sinks or drifts astray if both the captains don't see eye to eye. After all of that that I have read, I would cut ties and take those who have complained to you with you and never look back. 

Edited by Maevis
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The issue isn't the root admin here. If anything they sound like they're trying to do the right thing and preserve the game experience.

 

Just because someone has an idea they like/want to do does not mean it fits in the world. Even if it might fit sometimes there are reasons why it's still not a good idea or the admin simply doesn't want to allow it. (In truth the root admins word should be final. They are the actual owner of the site. So it really is their way or go elsewhere.)

 

Additionally some of the members in question sound like real shitbags. Ones that ought to have been banned some time ago. If anything I'd say these members are the type to drive away more members than the admin of that site. I mean if players see these members behaving as such and nothing is ever said/done about them then they will leave. 

For myself, I absolutely despise when people try using mental health issues as reasons for being shit people or to try to get attention. I will absolutely ban someone if they act up and then try to be like "it's muh aspergers" or whatever. No, you don't get to be a prick and blame some disease that you may or may not have. If you valued being on site you'd behave properly. (And for a side note, most people who do have some kind of mental issue know it and work hard to keep it under control. They don't use it as an excuse for bad behaviour. Why? because they see people use that as an excuse all the time when it isn't true and don't want to contribute to negative stereotypes.)

 

Maybe I'm reading this wrong... But based on what has been said, I also think the fact that you're kinda siding with these self-admitted problem members speaks that you kinda need to give your own head a shake. Your priorities seem to be in the wrong place. Don't defend/excuse bad behaviour and lay the blame on that admin. Which is what seems to be happening here... Members misbehave, get corrected and then you blame the root admin for being too harsh/controlling.  So I think that the root admin might be right... you are getting taken advantage of and probably don't even realise it.

Put it this way... if members know that going to root admin with an idea will likely get them told no for whatever reason but instead go to you to get it approved... you are being used. They know you'll say yes to an idea that may not be a good fit or maybe shouldn't be approved. They are actively trying to bypass the root admin to get things through by going through you. Which, yeah that kinda should bother them. Their authority is getting undermined and things they don't think should be allowed are getting approved. 

 

 

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"There are three sides to every story... Your side, their side, and then somewhere in the middle is the truth."
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Uh wow hi I feel like you're me a few months ago. Except, in my situation, the site ended up closing down and the members splintered off to start a new game. There were a lot of hurt feelings. Everyone was broken up and pissed off. I hope you can avoid what happened to me at all costs, because lbr I'm still salty about it.

 

I think @JD Hart@Kit the Human, and @VirusZero have some really solid advice. Take care of your problem member first. They need to be banned - they're not doing anything for the health of your community. Put the well being of the many over the one. Eject that bad potato. And if they end up taking their friends with them, that's probably for the best. You don't want any trace of toxicity left once they're gone. You can rebuild. You'll get new members. Plus, new members won't want to stick around if they're seeing that toxic behavior there in the first place. So pull those weeds out and throw them in the wood chipper.

 

I've dealt with having a "problem co-admin" before, and did exactly what JD suggests. I asked for screenshots, anecdotes, whatever from the members who said they had a problem with them, then sat down with my co-admin and we really talked about it. I was supportive the whole time, we came up with a game plan, and as a result we were more supportive of each other around the site in general. You guys are a team, you need to be able to have the hard conversations and move forward from them. If your coworker is doing poorly, you don't just fire them and take the time and resources to train somebody else - you work together to see what the problem is, come up with a way to improve, and then the whole team is right as rain. That's what friends do, too.

 

I would suggest making a public announcement about reworking staff processes to update and streamline the forum experience. You've heard your members, know that your team hasn't been the most effective lately, and are taking steps to improve. That's really all they need to know, but it's a public announcement that they're not being ignored. And if you guys come up with some concrete guidelines that will affect the site, share those with your members. It's always good to have public goals or to-do lists, that way you're all on the same page. Just make sure to do it so you don't box yourself into a corner.

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