Staffing Pushy member

[Anonymous 234]

I've recently invited a person who was both a friend and member on my site back. It had been years, ended on a bad note and we talked things over. Things were good, and they were welcomed back. Recently I told them about a site upgrade and them (along with another member) began to make passive aggressive comments about staff activity. Before blatantly asking and saying that activity on the old site should increase first. It was a shock and was quite disappointing because it was badgering. Another admin and I politely told them that RL comes first, we have been busy and that we have been doing our best. Along with feeling free to IM us if they had any concerns.  The members posted passive aggressive comments in the general channel of the site discord, and IMed me about their concerns. 

 

I cannot escape the feeling that their concern was more backhanded than intended to be helpful. A few times the member has made passive aggressive comments about things not being done instantly or to their liking. 

 

I'm not sure how to handle this situation. I want members to be able to approach if they  are having issues but not feel badgered or pressured by this member. 

 

Any ideas or thoughts? 

Anonymous poster hash: 4bbf9...bc5

[Deep Sea 326]

I've had RPs die because of one or two members who liked being passive-aggressive. Next time you see them talkin' shit in the public chatroom, fire back with this - in public, in front of the others:

 

"I'm doing my best with what I have. It seems this isn't up to your standards. Since that's the case, it would be best for you to find a different site - unless I'm misunderstanding your remarks?"

 

If people don't see the consequences, they'll start to think there are none - they'll think what they're saying is helpful, or funny, or it's what everyone is thinking and is just too chickenshit to say. And that's not true, is it? This user is being detrimental. Time to drag them to hell and back.

[c.widow 123]

While I do very much agree with Deep Sea here, if you are not in the mood or feel inclined to be as forward as that you can always try to approach the situation with a different head. As an admin you should always be prepared to strike thunder, as sometimes it is much needed, but if you prefer to do the knock knock a few times more before running head long into the possibility of back fire from that quote above you could also try something along the lines of: "I'm doing my best with what I have. It seems this isn't up to your standards. Since that's the case, do you have anything you would like to share that you think could rectify this situation? Anything we could do better on our part?"

From here depending on their response you will see a) if the reasons they are doing this are justified with an actual reasoning or b) if they will bullshit their way through that with another attention seeking mechanism. If the later I do say you remove them from the site. It sounds you have already given this person a second chance and they are proving why that second chance was not worth giving.

[Zahhy 130]

Admin exist to facilitate a fun environment to play. It is not your sole responsibility to create fun and I agree with the others here. You don't have to be *active* on the forum for people to write awesome plots and have fun but you do need to say something.

I would say something to them, either publicly or privately in a similar fashion to the above. I've cracked down on passive aggressive users before by deleting their comments and confronting them privately that I don't appreciate the way they speak about me nor the other staff. In my experience, more often than not, people that get confronted leave politely on their own accord. So as long as you don't let these people walk all over you they won't affect the other players much.

Most players like to play, they don't like to hear complaints and they don't like to be forced to worry. The world is full of things that keep us away from our keyboards and our playtime, but this is just a game. Never let anyone make you feel guilty for their imagined standards of play and just remind your players that you're human and that they are more than welcome to come up with awesome ways to engage one another while you're busy.

[Shieb 47]

Yeah, no. This deserves confrontation. I agree with calling them out in public, so that way everyone can see. If you just release a newsletter that's like 'this kind of behaviour will not be tolerated', that wouldn't affect your community in a way that would make it more fun.

 

I've been living with someone who can't seem to figure out how daily chores work. That's where I'm coming from when I say I wouldn't personally bother with asking for their opinion on how to do better. I can guess right now that if there were previous issues with this person, that if they don't respect your real life or personal needs, and they think being passive-aggressive is an okay way to express themselves on your site, any suggestions they give you will be useless. They will either continue to place unrealistic standards on you, jump at the chance to 'take charge', or deflect the idea that their behaviour is problematic in the first place.

 

Eh, forgive my projecting. I agree with Deep Sea. Make it clear that if they're unhappy, they can leave. And if they refuse, let them know that the way they talk about people in public is toxic and needs to stop, no exceptions.

[Deep Sea 326]

Whoah, I was actually expecting a lot of people to disagree with me - I know that my wording is harsh, and public confrontation is generally frowned upon (after all, it's polite to address concerns privately).  Just know, Anon, that in my opinion this problem member lost the right to private confrontation when they became publicly airing their concerns being a lil shit.

 

And furthermore - it's no shame on you if you can't find the courage to confront this user right now. I talk big, but you're the one who's going to get all the blowback. We'll all be here to support you through that, too.

[Anonymous 234]

Thanks for the replies, guys. 

 

The person was passive aggressive before. When we talked things out things were going swimmingly and I have noticed a pattern of behaviour with them. Kind of like love bombing and then being distant? It's hard to explain. One of the people have been become of the most active members on the site and outwardly looks like a positive part of the community. 

Anonymous poster hash: 4bbf9...bc5

[JD Hart 72]

Hey Anon!

 

I think a lot of the comments above are great, but I'm also curious as to the level of passive aggressive that's going on here... Sometimes the comments can be really obvious and other members will notice it other times it's more subtle and it's more that you notice it but other people don't. That doesn't mean it's not there - just that you need to be careful of your reaction so that other members don't think that you're the one flying off the handle.

 

If it's the former - the really obvious passive aggressive - then follow the above suggestions. I wouldn't necessarily go immediately to the "if it's not good enough, leave" argument - though you should definitely employ that if it continues. But depending on how bad it already is you might be worth saying something like - "We appreciate your comments and see where you are coming from. We are a small team, doing our best here, and this time of year always has people struggling to balance RL and RP lives... the staff team is no different and we appreciate your patience. If you have an issue or concern though please raise it by *insert your preferred method of PRIVATE communication here*. That way we can keep the server and community a positive and encouraging atmosphere that will be more likely to have people coming back in between their RL responsibilities." And like @Deep Sea said with her suggestion - DEFINITELY do it publicly. Then, instead of just laying out the consequences of inappropriate behaviour, you'd made sure to lay out the *correct* way of behaving and feeding back.

 

If that member THEN doesn't adhere to the information you've given - 100% follow whatever discipline process you have in place - a warning system, a suggestion to leave. Whatever is your SOP for these things. And then when the community sees you doing that they'll know why and you'll know you gave them fair warning. They will also be aware that this was an issue and may be more inclined to naturally see this pushy member's comments the way *you* see them. That way it doesn't come out of the blue for any newcomers or oblivious members.

 

Because the last thing you want out of this is for YOU to come off as the bad guy.

 

If the passive aggressive is more subtle than that - if you think this might be something that could possibly be their subconscious feelings coming through rather than *deliberate* attempts to be toxic, then a DM/PM can always help. Talk as if you give them 100% benefit of the doubt - "I'm sure you don't mean to come across this way, but just so you know X comments that you make - they make me feel Y. And if I'm feeling that (when I KNOW you don't MEAN it that way) then I'm worried other people will feel Y and that you'll end up with reputation Z. I don't want you in a position where YOU feel ostracised or like people don't want to plot with you." - make it like you're looking out for THEIR welfare and THEIR relationships on the site. They'll be less defensive and you'll come across less like you're trying to put your foot down or wave the power stick about.

 

On a flip note on this one -

 

You also need to decide how much truth there is in what this member is saying (regardless of the fact that he's CLEARLY saying it all wrong). ARE you and your staffers too absent from the site? Is it causing a problem? Are you breaking your own site's activity rules? If not then this member needs to pipe the F down. If, on the other hand, he has a point in some of the concerns he has (again - I do NOT condone how he's going about handling it) then this might be the chance to correct something before it's an issue. Because if these concerns *are* valid - he might not be the only one thinking them. He's just the one who's vocalising it all wrong and has therefore got your attention. If this is the case perhaps you can look into getting another member of staff? someone who can handle things more day to day and make sure everyone knows you guys are still active and around - you're just busy?

 

I find most members kick up a fuss when they feel insecure. They don't know if the site is thriving, they don't know where the admins are. We've all been on sites that seem to be going well and the staff just disappears and a week later the site is in maintenance mode or offline or whatever. I know it's hard and I know that this person is doing things all wrong - but try and look at it from the perspective that this member clearly loves your site. Otherwise why would he push? Why would he care? Which means he's not INTENTIONALLY making your life harder. That would be nonsensical. It may be that he's feeling insecure that things aren't progressing enough. So he needs to either be shown that they are (show him you haven't broken any rules regarding activity and you won't be in the future - ergo even if he has to wait a bit for posts, he KNOWS he's gonna get them) and that he's been heard (aka the shooing him into a more appropriate means of feedback). Then he knows that YOU care and that his concerns have been settled.

 

I'm not excusing his behaviour and he needs to be spoken to and for it to be made clear that this is not appropriate. That he needs to follow an appropriate feedback channel (of your devising and TELL him what it is - don't let him work one out for himself) and that if he continues to refuse to he makes the community and the members uncomfortable and you will be forced to enact X step in whatever disciplinary plan you already have laid out on your site.

 

So, yes, he needs talking to.

 

And if he's just being a dick and actually trying to cause trouble then ignore everything I just said and boot his butt. But I'm trying to be fair that this might not actually be the case and that he might just not have the tools he needs to communicate what he's after in the right way. And because of your history with him and because your a human being with feelings and such, you're understandably hurt by the way he's going about this. Try and keep the emotions out and try to take things a step at a time. And try for the optimism route 😄 He might not have any clue he's doing this... A prod in the right direction might be all he needs 😉 😄

Edited November 28, 2018 by JD Hart

[Morrigan 1,826]

I want to throw in my 2 cents. One person's passive aggression is just person's words.

 

NGL, I know plenty of people that sound PA when they type something but the intent behind it is anything but. But I know the opposite as well. Sometimes someone's PA is another person's "just words". Sometimes words are just that, words.

 

Unfortunately on a medium like the Internet tonality and body language are lost which makes interpreting a moot point. I do trust in confrontation but before you verbally lash out at someone in a public arena, talk to them privately and be sure that that was their intent.

 

I, for example, sound PA when I'm typing things in a professional manner because it "seems" like I'm angry or upset in some fashion when in reality it's just be trying to be non-confrontational, professional and informative.

 

Additionally, knowing from personal experience, sometimes unprovoked lashing out may not have to do with the site at all and may not be noticed by the original member. I did, and still do sometimes, lash out at people due to personal issues which isn't my intent but that doesn't mean it doesn't happen and that I don't notice.

 

Sometimes people just need a fucking reality check.

[Stat 60]

As a member, I admit I wouldn't love seeing public confrontation in a case like this (I'm sorry @Deep SeaIdo frown upon it!), but I also don't think it's the most efficient course of action. I feel like in a rp site most people are really invested into the community - they don't want to see it fail. Sometimes this means they say things that are out of place or say them in all the wrong ways, but it doesn't mean they aren't ultimately just concerned about their rp-home.

 

I also feel like our sites must be a community, so even though some of us are just having fun and writing and others do all the chore work and take all the responsibility, this is still not school, or work, or a place where I feel like it'd be legitimate to be scolded. In a rp site, I expect to be treated more like a friend than like a subordinate. So I'd say be friendly, and this means being open and sincere. If you think they do have a point in their concerns, just tell them "we're really doing all we can, guys, but if you have any ideas that might help please DM me!" This is honest, and deflects the subject to DMs. And if you feel they are being passive agressive, just tell them! "Hey, what you said came across as a little passive aggressive to me. Maybe it wasn't your intention at all, I know it's hard to convey tone through text! You know my DM is open to all your concerns, so please come to me anytime you feel something like this. I appreciate your help. "

 

I also agree with @Morriganso much. I think people sound passive aggressive all the time. I'm so scared of conveying the wrong message that I fill my texts with smiley faces and exclamation points to the point where it's absurd! The internet is a weird place for interpersonal relations, and that's only another reason to be the most open, honest and receptive we can be.