Member making me increasingly uncomfortable.

[Anonymous 234]

This has been troubling for the past month or so, and I've been struggling to try to come to terms with it.  There's a member on the site I'm currently on, one who has been a troublesome member in the past, and I don't know what it is but something about the way they behave just makes me feel really, really uncomfortable.  

 

The member in question doesn't really interact with most members on the site, often remaining silent for long stretches of time.  Now, this doesn't bother me.  Some people are shyer than others, and I get that.  I, myself, can be pretty quiet never really speaking much until I'm comfortable with the site's community and feel at home with other members.  The problem lies in when this member comes in to chat.  Almost everytime they decide they want to chat, it's almost always to push themselves into the forefront of a conversation.  They need to be in the center of attention with everyone throwing love on them, or showcasing their characters as much as possible.  It feels like everything has to be about and the characters they play, and a lot of times it feels like so many other people on the site has no problem catering to them and giving them what they want.  Even one of the staff members is friendly with this person and will shower them with attention whenever they ask for it.  

 

I don't know what happened.  I used to be like everyone else and trying to be friendly with the member in question, but lately, it's getting more and more difficult for me to want to be around the site whenever they are online.  Around two months ago they left the site as a way to try to prove a point, and show the staff that yes they would leave if they had a problem, only to return a month later around the same time a requested character they had originally taken was put back up for adoption.  And I've been feeling more and more uncomfortable since they have returned, and there are times when it feels like their attention-grabbing behavior has grown so much worse than it was before they 'left'.  

 

Some of the behavior feels manipulative.  They say they are going to post, then a week will pass by where they don't, and they will suddenly pop into chat apologizing for being so inactive, followed by an explanation about how much their life sucks.  Like I understand we have all have down moments, but the way they are using it as a constant excuse is getting on my nerves.  But at the same time so many other people on the site seem to be swallowing it, or allowing this person to get away with it so I don't know if its just me or what.  I don't know if I'm just not being willing to listen and try to get along with the member, or if I'm somehow one of the few people who doesn't want to give this member attention just because they throw themselves in my face constantly. 

 

There's also just been more than a few times where I have personally felt like I was being shoved out of a conversation all because this problem member decided they wanted to chat.  I have tried to share a cool moment from my day, only to have this member suddenly come in and say something like "Hey all.  I need snuggles noooooow.  Please give them to me. Cause life suuuuucks and is being mean to me."  And suddenly the thing I just shared -- a part of my day that I was really proud of -- is ignored because this member decides they need attention.  And everyone feels obligated to give to them.  

 

I love the site as a whole and many of the people on it (I consider most of them friends), but this one member is making me feel super uncomfortable and anxious to be on it.  I want to try to bring up my concerns and worries with the staff, but if I'm a little honest I'm kind of scared that they might not be willing to listen to me.  Especially when one of the Staff members seems to be real tight with them, always catering to their pleas for attention.  

 

In short, I'm growing more and uncomfortable with the behavior of a member who only seems to want to push themselves into the center of attention whenever they are online.  It feels like whoever doesn't praise them or help them to feel like they are awesome, then they want nothing to do with you.  And I don't know...it's getting more and more difficult for me to want to be social on a site that I love whenever this member is around.  And since everyone else seems to want to love on the member I don't know if it's only me, or if they are just doing an excellent job at manipulating everyone into giving them what they want.  Attention, even if it means shoving others out of the conversation as if they were never there.  

 

 

Anonymous poster hash: 29bce...548

[Somniac 207]

Indeed, this sounds like an uncomfortable person to deal with.

 

It sounds like they have a nasty pattern of letting people down and then forcing those people to assuage and placate them rather than face their friends' reasonable disappointment. I'd call that very manipulative.

 

It also sounds like you've been on two sides of this person:

1. where the majority is now - enthusiastic about this person because they are assuming this person is a generally well-meaning player (who may or may not be also very entertaining when they do make time for others)... and

2. used up and repeatedly let down. I'd try to keep in mind that I was in their current favorites' positions, and think about how I'd want to be approached about someone I like and by default trust were I still giving them the benefit of the doubt.

 

If staff has already had an issue with them, there's a chance that they've seen what you're seeing - but then again, there's a chance they'll see you as the problem.

 

There's no risk-free solution to this. If you stay quiet, you're gritting and bearing something intolerable to you that will make you resent a place you once enjoyed on the chance that Problem Player will flit off on their own (and why would they?). If you say something, they're already thriving by playing victim there. Once you get entangled with someone like that... they're basically never off your back until you leave or something is done about them.

[Kazetatsu 263]

I knew of a few players like that, and frankly after realizing what was happening, they'd usually get a cold shoulder from me, I'd tell them 'that's nice' and ignore them, or redirect the conversation to something less about them.

 

It did help that staff knew of this as well, and would repeatedly remind this person about unfinished things they had dropped, and telling them that they'd take the player seriously only after the player actually started participating on the site, which they usually didn't.

So my advice is to go to staff, especially if there is a staff member you feel comfortable approaching. Try to not be accusatory towards this person or staff's lack of action so far, but definitely point out the trends in this person's behavior. There is a chance that others are aware of this but hesitant to speak up, or are aware, but unsure of how to treat this member to deter the behavior. If staff does say they'll deal with them, proper form is to keep you anonymous, which you should request if you feel like its necessary. the problem player shouldn't need to know that your specifically voiced your concerns.

If you still have concerns, keep screenshots of your conversations when this player is in the chat, and with staff. that way you have documentation of both the drama, and your discussions with staff so that you can point back to them for evidence if you need it.

[In Red 16]

Is it at all possible, anon, that you might be overreacting a little yourself here? Stepping back from your own personal feelings (hard as it is, I know from experience myself) is it possible that this member isn't meaning to make you uncomfortable, and you're just parsing it that way because of some of your own personal filters or stresses?  This is super common, especially if you're feeling a bit overshadowed or ignored to any degree by someone who might be being a little insensitive, but may not be aware of their behaviour or actually intend to be taken that way by you or anyone else. 

 

Speaking of anyone else, have you noticed the same behaviour towards others (and them being upset by it at all), or does it only seem to be towards you re: interruptions? I think the generalisations in your post about everyone feeling 'obligated', 'catering to their pleas', and 'manipulating everyone' are somewhat impossible to really verify and sound like you could be projecting your own feelings a little here (and by your post it sounds like you're aware that's a possibility). I don't think the staff are obligated to act on this situation as you explain it here, and I don't think you should be complaining about it unless it becomes more direct or insidious, but I DO think that you're entitled to feel how you feel.

 

You may never know for sure if its intentional on their part to make you feel overridden and ignored, but regardless, it definitely sounds like its planting a toxic little seed in you, and that's not something that you (or anyone) deserves in what should be a safe space. That little seed though? Its on you not to let it grow. If that means stepping away from your computer/device when that person comes on and getting a cup of tea or taking a little walk or getting fresh air (or whatever other little self-care thing you like) then so be it, your mental health and well-being is the priority here, and engaging further or creating more drama out of what doesn't  necessarily warrant blowing up is only going to beget more toxicity and discomfort for you in the long run. 

 

And remember, you don't have to thread with this person (so their posting excuses shouldn't be relevant to your experience as a member - let it be the problem of those who are choosing to engage with them in this way), and you're not obliged to be buddy buddy either, simply polite (and honestly, if they're hardly around and socialising in the first place as you stated, it shouldn't be too hard to step back in those few moments when they are coming into the chat environment like a whirlwind). I would suggest hitting up google with topics like 'how to deal with interrupting' and see if you find anything that's helpful to you personally as applies to your situation. 

Edited January 20, 2019 by In Red

[Rhindeer 217]

I'm in the camp of "this sounds like it coooould be an overreaction".

 

SO many RPers say, "I'm gonna post tonight!!" and then don't actually post for days or weeks. I know so many who do that. I've been that person more times than I can count. xD It's not a malevolent thing. People that say that aren't going, "MUAHAHA!!!! NOW I SHALL BUILD UP THEIR HOPES...AND LET THEM DOWN!" They just get over-enthusiastic and over-ambitious and things come up in life, and they get distracted, and whoooops. The intent and desire always seems legit (and it's certainly legit in my case, when I'm guilty of it) but shit happens. RPers do this, and will  keep doing it, and I don't find it a good idea, in general, to assume malice when the  more likely cause is more innocent, if maybe oblivious or thoughtless.

 

In fact, that's my read on this entire situation.

 

I get it sucks when you share something you think is cool, and it gets buried by someone else jumping in. But that's just the nature of things sometimes, and sometimes I get talked over in chats and it sucks, but...it just happens. And when it happens, I wait for the flow of the conversation to wind down and then just repeat myself. xD Things get missed sometimes, everyone is excited and wanting to share their own stories all at the same time, so shit happens.

 

Again, not necessarily a malice thing--and also, it's not something that is PURELY the fault of the interruptor. Your story isn't just being ruined by them cutting in, it's also being ruined by everyone else who chose to ignore you in favor of them. It's so easy to want to assign all the blame to the person you don't like, but nothing is stopping anyone else from commenting on BOTH stories, instead of just choosing one. Maybe, if you have a hard time dealing with interruptions, talk to a trusted friend and ask them to advocate for you when you get interrupted. I have a hard time dealing with being interrupted IRL, but I have friends who, when it happens, step in and say, "Hey, Rhi was trying to say something and you cut them off." Having friends who are willing to do that for you helps a lot, because...well, it's a thing that happens when a bunch of nerds are all together trying to share all their cool stories all at once. And sometimes, people have different degrees of social awareness and just don't notice that they're being rude. Y'know?

 

Don't get me wrong, though! I'm sympathetic! I have anxiety, so I toootally understand, and I have totally been in the position where my brain gets the better of me and convinces me that everyone secretly hates me. But when that happens, I just have to take a step back, breathe, and realize that most people are in their own heads just like I am, different people have different degrees of social awareness and finesse, and more than likely it's not intentional. My feelings can still be hurt, and those feelings are valid! But it's important to not place the blame on people that are probably not actively trying to harm, and who probably have ZERO idea that what they're doing is even hurtful at all. It's not their fault I have an anxious brain.

 

So I don't know! I think my best advice is to try to reframe the whole situation and try to look at it through fresh eyes. You don't have to like this person, or even interact with them, but you can at least maybe give it some thought and see if it's really a "them" issue, or if maybe you're just stuck in your head.

 

BUT if that doesn't work, and it's too much, hey, your health and happiness is important. You don't have to stay somewhere that is stressing you out and making you unhappy. RP ain't worth that.

[Liannis 69]

If there’s a discord, can you block them? If you don’t play with this person not reading their comments in chat shouldn’t be a big deal. 

[Somniac 207]

The "I'm totally going to post!" shebang can definitely just be a culture thing.

 

What tilted me toward the "this doesn't look good" camp is that it sounds like they've been warned by staff for some reason and made a dramatic boomerang exit-return over it.

 

Regardless of who's responsible for the grief, I think the solution is the same. Definitely agree that Anonymous would be better off dropping threading with this player and filtering their experience with them as much as possible.

[Shieb 47]

Yeah, if it was just the shifting of conversation, that would be uncomfortable, but not worth making a big deal unless the member in question actively got aggressive over nothing. But, of course, then there's the bit where the member left just to show they could? I mean, that's dramatic, usually happens with people who feel entitled, and when you add the soapbox issue to it, it paints a picture of someone who feels like they should be allowed to be on the forum, and they should be able to act how they want while there.

I have admittedly had too many experiences with this in real life this year for that idea to not stress me the heck out,  so please know that my personal opinion comes from the camp of "I'm not out of the woods, and I already never want to be here again."

 

Basically, my recommendation would be to limit all contact with this player as much as possible. If other people feel the same as the OP, the OP can privately tell those people that separating themselves from the member in question will give them less stress. The OP can also try to change the subject in the cbox whenever things get too heavy - and doing things like "need a little sunshine today, let's talk about kittens!" is perfectly acceptable and not at all personal. Further, the staff should at least know a member is uncomfortable. There doesn't have to be a call to action, but a little 'hey, I find this behaviour uncomfortable' and leaving it there if no one indicates they agree is fine. You reported your discomfort, now they know, and it's out of your hands.

[Icewolf 258]

If it's possible on your site, mute the person. If it's just their attention grabbing that's bothering you and you don't have any important storylines or character connections with theirs, that seems to be the best way of dealing with it. If you can't see their posts, then what they write can't bother you. If they are a problem for other members, then the staff will pick up on it. I don't think that there's anything you can really do about them regarding bringing it up with staff unless they do something against the rules such as bullying. As other people have said, you don't need to thread or interact with them.