Snickerdoodle 51 Share Posted February 16, 2019 So there's a member on our board that's been inactive, and every time we check in on them, they say they've just been busy with life and too stressed to write. Today, while spreading our ad around, I stumbled upon a site in the same setting as ours and get curious to see what's different about theirs and what's the same, so start checking things out. Lo and behold, there's the member of our board that's been AWOL, and they've been posting there regularly. I feel betrayed. I'd rather they just tell me they've moved on to another board and don't want to play with us anymore than to keep stringing us along with excuses. I want to confront them, but I hate confrontation... and I don't even know what I'd say. I'm not upset that they ditched us, it happens. And usually without any communication. I'm upset they weren't honest with us, telling us they'd be back and they just didn't have time for RP. Ugh. I don't know what to do. I feel sick to my stomach. 2 1 We're on Discord! Come say hello! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Rhindeer 217 Popular Post Share Posted February 16, 2019 Mmm, I see the other side of this, speaking from personal experience. There have been times in my RP life where I have gone on hiatus on one site, but meanwhile joined and was really active on another. It wasn't because I was disinterested in the other game, or done with it, or planned on leaving it--I just needed a break, and needed some time away to play elsewhere (even if it's in the same genre/fandom!) for a change of scenery. Sometimes, when my anxiety/depression/stress kicks into high gear, I just have to withdraw from the people I know for a bit. I usually phrase it as being "busy" or stressed or whatever, which is true...I am busy on this other game. Saying I'm "busy" is just easier than going into all the psychological/mental health reasons, which is info I may not want to disclose in the first place. And saying, "I need a break from this game so I can play elsewhere for a bit to recharge!" might not go over well with some admins who will freak out and go "OMG BUT YOU'RE PLAYING ON ANOTHER GAME!!!" Which, well...is kind of what our reaction here is. Not saying that in a mean or accusatory way, because I can understand the other perspective of feeling ditched and betrayed, buuuut a lot of people worry about getting a bad reaction by telling the truth. Alternatively, other reasons I have done this in the past have been because plots are getting super intense and real on one of the games, so I become temporarily more invested in one game over the other. So I take a break from one game so I can pour my focus into the other and scratch that itch. So yeah, busy! But busy on another game. Which is something else admins might not take kindly to hearing, so it's just easier to be vague instead of saying, "I need a break from your game so I can focus on the cool shit happening in this other game right now because it currently has all my attention and is thus taking priority right now." I guess what I'm saying is...don't think too deeply about it. Chances are, something about this other game has their attention right now, but since they're just "away" right now, it doesn't mean they want to give up your game. If anything, I might ask them, "Hey! So I was checking out another game and saw you were there. No worries, there! I know sometimes you need a break from one game to focus on a different one. I just wanted to check in on you--do you still plan on coming back to mine? If not, that's cool! I just need to know so I can handle loose ends. Just keep me in the loop!" Because yeah, the other possibility is that maybe they DID lose interest. And that happens. Don't take it too personally, because it's a common thing in the RP world. Not everyone will tell you they've moved on. People will ghost. But the fact that they didn't ghost and instead just say they're busy instead leads me to think they still plan on coming back. Just ask them non-confrontationally, and show that you're chill, and they'll hopefully be more comfortable telling you the truth. Because a lot of why players lie is because they're afraid of the bad reactions they'll get from admins--and often that comes from a place of experience. If you show you are understanding and safe, then even if they have decided to quit, maybe they'll return later on because you would have shown you're someone that isn't going to demonize them for something like that. Life happens, interest spikes and wanes. We shouldn't punish that. It's disappointing, yes, but accepting it will lead to a lot less stress and drama all around. 1 5 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Kit the Human 757 Popular Post Share Posted February 16, 2019 I've felt hurt when a member I've really enjoyed writing with slowed down in writing with me/my site but were active elsewhere. I've acknowledged that hurt and then I let it go. It's my hope that everyone who likes to roleplay finds their roleplay home. It might not be on my site, so if people ghost I hope that they've recognized that they were not enjoying my site so much and went looking for a pasture more their style.... Or that they actually found somewhere they love! I also don't believe any member "owes" me an explanation. One would be lovely! And I appreciate the courage that takes when most of us a bunch of soft bints who don't want to hurt each other's feelings over something that is afterall, personal. (I think writing is personal.) But it's not expected. I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel hurt, but it's not a feeling worth investing in. I also wouldn't confront anyone without a clear idea of what I wanted to achieve with the confrontation, and even then, I'd want to be sure that the hoped for result is worth the potential negative consequences. 2 1 6 PSI: an Occult Investigations RP Roleplay Architects: Grab a friend (or many friends!) and just write. You can also find me at: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Snickerdoodle 51 Author Popular Post Share Posted February 16, 2019 Thanks for the different perspectives y'all. I totally understand where you're both coming from. I, too, have had times where one board took priority over the other. Especially with the anxiety issues. (which also probably gives a little insight into my panic xD) And I've had members of my own games focus more on the other games they were in. I've had them quit in favor of other games. It doesn't bother me. It's understandable. It sucks, but it happens. I really do just want to know if they're still interested or not, I don't need details and I don't expect an explanation. I never ask for one. Just a simple "Hey, haven't seen you around in a while. Are you still interested?" The thing is, we've been playing together for several years, now, and we've never had any issues communicating openly with one another about anything. I'm not sure what's changed that, but you're right... just because they're playing another game doesn't mean they're not interested in ours anymore. In my panic mode, I assumed the worst (stupid anxiety). Now that I've had some time to calm down, I don't see it as such a big deal and can approach them about it. I know the word "confront" has certain connotations, so I should have chosen my words a little more wisely. lol I am not a confrontational person by any stretch of the imagination. Now my only concern is that they'll think I was stalking them. xD 1 5 We're on Discord! Come say hello! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kit the Human 757 Share Posted February 16, 2019 Don't worry, I didn't think that your initial post reflected anything about who you are. 💖 When my writing friends have semi-ghosted on me, it really does hurt. When it comes to friends though, I always think it's worth keeping positive lines of communication open. There's usually a reason and we can usually address it in a productive way. I hope that all goes well between you both! 4 PSI: an Occult Investigations RP Roleplay Architects: Grab a friend (or many friends!) and just write. You can also find me at: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elena 546 Share Posted February 16, 2019 Abandonment always hurts, but lack of sincerity hurts more. I know the feeling. I believe in writing on several sites, as long as you can keep up with them, and when you can't anymore and you have to give up one, in being upfront about it. Staff and writing partners know better how to go on with the plot and to tie up the loose ends you have left behind, if you say you have left. There haven't been many cases when I had to give up a site. Usually they closed down before me leaving, or at little afterwards. I think only one remains active after I left, and it wasn't an easy decision to leave. I hadn't lost interest; I had lost free time and sanity, due to other things happening in my life. But when I realised it wasn't getting better, and that I had to decide on leaving, I told everybody that I left, and why, not to believe that anyone of them did anything which made me go. It wasn't them, only me... 1 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Icewolf 258 Share Posted February 16, 2019 You can't do a great deal about it and although it's sad to lose a member, you can't really stop them from going on to other sites and posting on there instead. Let it go. Concentrate on the member base that's active. There could be reasons why the other site suits the person better - the story might be closer to what they are looking for, their friends might be on it, they might have meshed in better with its members than they have on yours and these aren't things that you as an admin can really do anything about. I've been on sites where the staff who was supposed to have been writing with me didn't respond for months and got pretty annoyed about it only to find that they were making another site, so it can happen to members too. In the end though it's just not worth confronting them about it because you don't really have a say in what other people do and if their absence is not hurting your board does it really matter? (I think staff not being on the site is more hurtful to it.) 1 1 Legends of Arda Character Archives Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gothic 307 Share Posted February 16, 2019 I've been on both ends of things here. It is frustrating. I've been on friend's sites where I have struggled to maintain activity for whatever reason. I love their sites, playing and supporting them. I may have lost muse or have run out of spoons or my own site may have gone through a busy period. I also hate disappointing people and I lose track of time, so it could easily end up being a month without me noticing. The person may fully intend to return and post. Although I wouldn't put too much thought into it either way. Focus on the active plots and members that you do have. It is easy to get caught up with the negative sometimes. From an admin perspective, it can be pretty frustrating and you can feel like they are stringing you along. It is okay to be hurt and angry about this. After a time period, you can archive their stuff and move on. Focus on the members you have there now and enjoy things. ❤️ 3 Active, fun, established 2008! Come join us. Aeterna Roma Sites I am on; Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Josie 198 Share Posted March 9, 2019 It hurts when this happens! I agree with what others have posted, and it is great advice so I won't repeat it. I do have another thought that occurred to me though, while reading this. Although I am in no way accusing you of anything or trying to make you feel anxious, it's possible they weren't upfront about it because they didn't feel that they could be. Even when you're close friends with people, sometimes there are subjects that are just tough to bring up. Either way, the best way to show that it's not! @Viscount Rhi-Rhihas some great dialogue advice going on there, but your friend also isn't likely to think that you're stupid and haven't noticed by now, so saying nothing also works if you feel you can get the situation off your chest that way too. 1 1 WANTED: flamboyantly rich & famous family members, workers for a creepy foundation, & an AI handler Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Honorem 219 Share Posted March 29, 2019 (edited) If they're not being active, treat it like you would any other ditcher. Archive account or whatever as per your site policy happens, problem solved. No point wasting your time anymore. Doubt they'll crawl back and ask why, since their interests have gone somewhere else. Edited March 29, 2019 by Honorem 1 ☩ FORGE - GUNPOWDER FANTASY ☩ ☢ VECTOR - CYBERPUNK / SPACE WESTERN ☢ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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