Handling problems with member with mental illness?

[Anonymous 234]

So I've run into a situation I'm not 100% sure how to handle concerning a member. They rarely talk in the Discord, and when they do, they're an annoyance, to put it bluntly. They always say something about their insecurities, how they feel nobody likes them, how they don't belong on the site, how they feel they're a bad writer, and a dozen other related things. My members and I have tried redirecting conversations and ignoring their remarks. I eventually sent them a reminder that our Discord rules asked people not to bring up heavy or sensitive subjects in chat. 

 

Instead of apologising or even acknowledging that, the person started complaining at length in the server about their mental illnesses. They went on and on about how they know everyone is annoyed with them but they can't stop behaving the way they do. Basically saying that they're a victim who can't change their ways and they hate themselves for it. Since all their messages in the week since they joined just sounded like this person fishing for sympathy or compliments, they pretty much went ignored by the other people who were in the Discord at the time. 

 

They then posted a huge thing about how they were a burden and was going to leave so they weren't a hassle in our lives any more. But after they left, they then rejoined after a few hours, taking up a few of their old characters, and were basically pretty quiet and normal for another couple weeks. In the week and a half since then, they've fallen back into their woe is me routine. I've ended up officially warning them because they keep pushing or breaking the rule mentioned above. They went on another rant like the ones before but didn't give a word of apology. 

 

I want to be sympathetic and accommodating to this person, but I feel like addressing the situation further is going to get sticky since they keep tying their behaviour to their mental illness. They keep dragging the mood down and pissing off the other members. Every time I've told them their behaviour is inappropriate, they get wildly defensive and will talk of nothing but how their mental illness controls their behaviour. They've never apologised or changed. It's time for them to go but I don't know how to tell them that without them taking it the wrong way. Advice? 

Anonymous poster hash: 49e0e...370

[Kazetatsu 263]

mental illness cannot be an excuse for disruptive behavior on a site. You can sometimes accommodate for certain kinds of quirks that can be contributed to mental illness, such as needing to explain things differently for a member who doesn't understand, but if you have to give them extra warnings, upon extra warnings, there's eventually going to be a line where it makes more sense to ask them to leave or kick them out if their behavior is bannable, than to try and work with them.

 

I worked with such a member on one site, and was often their go-to for things. But eventually I had to explain to them, "we can't change the way the site is run for you.  Mental illness is never an excuse for this kind of behavior.  You can stop complaining and work with us, but otherwise, you'll lose you ability to be part of our community." The hardest part of that, if you actually create a bond with such a member is backing it up. you can't be their ranting board, or therapist. You have to be firm, and 100% solid in your choice in having the member leave. It really helps if all staff on the site are there to back you up when it comes to these calls.

 

if it's a discord or other chat, you may be able to ban them from the chat during a moment when they are causing problems, and then warn them. you'll need to be very clear when you message them as to why they have been removed, but this also adds action to your response so it's not just empty words. If you decide to ban them wholesale, you may want to message them first, but again, explain why they have been banned in your message. you can also explain that further complaints will make the decision more final and permanent. and may include deeper bans, such as IP bans, or being blocked from communicating with you, their go-to entirely."

 

Also start documenting interactions with this member. screencaps and stuff can be very useful to go back to if they want to complain that they're being wrongly treated, for discussions with other staff, and deciding when to call the last straw.

Edited February 27, 2019 by Kazetatsu

[Elena 546]

If he is good at writing the story, but an annoyance in Discord, his Discord access should be restricted, together with a PM explaining why it had happened (because he had been warned repeatedly and he didn't stop). 

[Deacon Frost 196]

I am a player with mental illness. 

I have autism and on top of that severe clinical depression and several types of anxiety disorder. 

That being said; I work very hard to ensure that my mental illness does not rule my behavior in an RP setting. If I am having a rough day emotionally then I might avoid discord, or just read and not converse much because I know that my responses are likely to be on the irrational side. If I've developed a close friendship with a few other members I might confide in them over direct messages about my mood at the time; as friends. But complaining to the main chat is not cool. Your RP community is not a support group. They can BE supportive. On occasion. But you should not be going to them and putting the burden of your mood upon them every time you converse in discord. That is bad etiquette and it's using your mental health as a crutch to justify bad manners and poor behavior. 

I have known a lot of RP players who have mental illness and they come in a number of shapes and styles. But the ones who do nothing but talk about their mental illness and try to turn it into the focus of every conversation they have; tend to not be very healthy for a board in the long run. 

Just my opinion. 

[Shades 676]

I'll preface this by saying I'm a roleplayer with her own mental health issues and many of these come in the form of really deep insecurities and the feeling that nobody likes me if I say something and don't get a response.

 

Now, I'll start.

 

One, mental illness is not an excuse for poor behavior. Period. A roleplay site is a community, and I'll bet this person is NOT the only member with mental health issues. They're probably just the loudest. If they can't control their behavior at all, they need the kind of help you are not able to provide, even if you are a therapist.

 

Two, the needs of the many do outweigh the needs of this one person. No, your members don't have to be subjected to a constant barrage of complaints and long commentary on someone else's struggles while they might have their own and not be airing them out for the whole site.

 

Three, members should be treated equally in general. Sure, you can provide accommodations for a member who needs more time to write their app or the rules explained to them in a different way. But you can't accommodate a rule breaker who knows they're breaking rules (even if they claim they can't control their behavior) without putting an unfair burden on your other players. 

 

I disagree that in this case all that matters is if they're good writers. Roleplaying is a very social hobby, even if people don't specifically talk to that one person, and if one member is always bringing the mood down for everyone else, they need to shape up or ship out. Mental illness or not. So, my advice is: stop providing them with extra chances if they're not changing. If you feel so inclined, outline all of the problems in one message for them, send it to them and make it clear that this is their final warning, and if they continue the behavior they will be asked to leave/banned from the site. And follow through.

 

If you do go this route, I'd revoke their access to the Discord before this conversation to prevent them going there to lash out at everyone else.

 

Good luck!

[Arceus 1,082]

Basically everything Spirit Caller and Shades said.

I'm also on the autistic spectrum, among other things. Some of those other things are quite severe when they rear their head. Yes, sometimes normal stuff is very hard for me, but the onus is on me to deal with that and accommodate for myself, not others to. Being neuro-divergent is not a Get Out of Rules Free card. It also does not mean we are not still beholden to basic etiquette, either, and I tend to Greatly Dislike anyone that acts like it is, or we aren't. That's not how this works. I work very hard to be able to manage myself day-to-day, and it just... really irks me when others try to use their disorders as an excuse to do whatever they want instead of putting forth the same effort.

 

Personally, whatever you'd do with a presumably neuro-typical player that behaved this way, do that. Neuro-divergents are not some special exempt sparkly unicorn. We may need certain tweaks to make board-life easier, but that's not the case here. If they'd come to you with a reasonable request, that'd be one thing, but this? This is... this is you need a therapist, stat, and this board is not it. There are still lines here, and they've been crossed. They either take responsibility for themselves, or they can find somewhere else to go, as far as I'm concerned. And for the record, that's exactly what I told the player I had that did exactly this, claiming they were autistic and couldn't help it. On a board full of people on the spectrum. That managed themselves just fine.

 

Yeah that was a fun week.

[Robyn 54]

I agree with what's already said. I too, am on more than one spectrum or scale and somehow that never made me feel like people should tread oh-so-carefully around me, or that I should receive special treatment.

You have rules, you must adhere to those rules, for all members equally.

 

Yes, life isn't black and white and what is correct in one situation isn't correct in the other. However, you cannot have your site and server suffer because of one person. As somebody pointed out; the needs of the many.

 

Also, there isn't a good way to do this. Yes, this person is - likely - going to blame and try and guilt-trip you... but that's not on you, either. I think you've given them ample chance by now. The best advice I can offer for that part, is to have kept logs of what happened and what you guys offered, what you've warned them about and why they're now suffering this consequence.

To me this person sounds like an attention-seeker.

If that's the case, honestly, there's no winning whatever you do and you'll be better off asking them to leave (and if that doesn't work, ban them) and deal with momentary drama and fuss that'll undoubtedly erupts from that. Though, I'd personally at least mute them already in Discord right before messaging them, so my members can't get in the line of fire, so to speak.

[wonderlovesyou 13]

Yikes.  Having had several members with mental illnesses that have manifested into suicidal tirades, leaving/rejoining, attention-seeking behavior come and go - nip it in the bud, and fast.  We've used to have a rants & raves channel for people to vent in our Discord - baaaaad idea and extremely misused - it was literally so bad in our server where members would post suicide notes that prompted the staff to go on a legitimate search to call their local law enforcement to send help for wellness checks.

 

As you can imagine, repeat patterns of this behavior triggered several of our sufferers and even our more high-functioning mentally ill members, including myself, into downward spirals.  Especially if you suffer from something yourself, you generally want to sympathize and come from a place of understanding - but as another member pointed out, the needs of many outweigh the needs of one.  This is extremely toxic behavior and chances are will bring down your community as a whole.

 

I would kindly - but firmly - let them know that you or your server/site as a whole is not a substitute for mental health professionals or treatment.  Let them know that others do or may be struggling with their own insecurities and/or illnesses, and that such outward behavior is making others uncomfortable, and that if it does not stop, that they will lose chatting access.  There's a great chance that they will not care, and will victimize themselves - don't budge.  Sometimes, the best thing that you can do for a friend (or member) is to point out their toxicity instead of enabling it, especially when this sort of situation can rapidly deteriorate an entire community.

 

Depending on your relationship with them, if you'd like to go a step further and have some time and energy on your hands, you can help work with them to find a local therapist in their area - free clinics, doctors that accept their insurance - or provide them with suicide hotlines or otherwise help within their jurisdiction.  Based on the sort of behavior that you've described, though, there's a chance that they are looking for attention more than actual help, which is something you can't force - but sadly, will also likely not win.

[Josie 198]

Fact of the matter is: this person needs help which you cannot and are not obliged to give. Even if you are a qualified therapist, this is still your hobby and your free time. The RP is not a group therapy session. If you want to be nice, put your foot down and tell them exactly that.

 

It sounds harsh. It is harsh and it might make you feel like a bad person for not helping someone who clearly needs it. But you are not a bad person, and sometimes the hard truth is what needs to be said. If you wanted, you could include some resources for them to pursue at their leisure, such as 7cups.com, which has people who will just listen to you talk about your issues, and even therapy with actual therapists, online, at a much cheaper rate than you'd get going to a physical therapists's office. And I said this is the nice option, because it is. It's harder for you to deal with, and the member probably isn't going to like or appreciate it, and they may take you up on exactly none of these suggestions. But this way forces them to see that the way they are behaving is a problem in a way which simply banning them would not.

 

But you are also not obligated to be nice to someone who isn't being nice back. You could just ban them and be done with it.

[Shades 676]

What @Josie said. We all want to be nice, especially when we know what it's like to deal with mental health issues. But for a person who does not want help, but attention, it only feeds into their need for it. You're basically giving them what they want and taking part of the responsibility off their hands. 

So, while yes, it would be nice of you to do it, you're not under an obligation to provide this kind of help if you feel it will put a burden on you. Assuming this person is an adult, and since they have internet access, they can look up resources themselves if they really want them. You can lead them to water, but you can't force them to drink, and they might see it as a way of becoming dependent on you, which can be draining. Been there, done that, never again.

[Sage 289]

I've banned members for the behavior you describe here - dumping their baggage onto my community. It's one thing to confide in the people you trust. It's another to drop those comments into a public channel. It makes everyone uncomfortable and brings up everyone's personal struggles. That behavior is good for no one, and blaming a mental illness is no excuse. I've successfully written with a variety rpers who are autistic, have depression or anxiety psychosis or any number of neuro-atypical diagnoses and they're amazing writing partners/friends. And they have never once used them to excuse their bad behavior. That member knows what they're doing not only breaks the rules, but makes everyone else feel awkward. They're looking for attention and trying to make you feel sorry for them. They're playing the victim card.

 

It's not your role to be sympathetic. Your role is to protect your community and its well-being. Sometimes, that means being firm with a special snowflake. 

[clipsed 231]

Your community is not one of trained therapists. It's one of writers. It can be hard not to take other people's troubles on, and hard to take action for something they ostensibly can't help, but it's not sustainable long-term.  Perhaps something to the effect of, we really enjoy writing with you, and feel for what you go through, but we are only human and we can't be everything for you. We would love to have you stick around and get to know you better, but you need to {insert requests here}.

 

As someone with mental illness, it makes me HELLA cranky when someone uses it as an excuse for being obnoxious

Edited April 7, 2019 by clipsed