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What to Do About Problem Member(s)?


Kryptonite
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Heya so I admin a site with one other person. It's a dystopian site. Anyways, I had to put my admin foot down about a few issues to three of the members, who are all friends. Admittedly I was a little heavy-handed with my tone and how I addressed it, but I did apologize later about it. One of the members I specifically reached out to was someone who I considered a friend, but when I approached them, they would not accept my apology and instead went on to call me various things. Then promptly backpedaled when I went silent for some time, saying they weren't cussing me out.

 

Against my better judgment, I didn't ban them because I thought we could go back to being friends or at least tolerating each other because I REALLY didn't want drama, but I told them it was best if we cut off all ties to each other. Plots and all. I allowed them to stay on my site even after calling me names, and this isn't the first strike they've had either.

 

Now they try to drown me out in the discord, using their two other friends to talk over me, and they purposefully go OUT OF THEIR WAY to ignore me. Like if I chime in when it's dead silent to something someone says, they will immediately chime in afterward to that person as well, and continue to talk to only that person, as if it's a competition. And I'm just sick and tired of it. I dread coming on my own site, but now I don't have a good reason to kick this person, as the window of time has already kinda closed. Not to mention, if I kick them, their friends are either going to follow (which is whatever) or start some drama.

 

So I guess my question is... should I just rip off the bandaid? Is it worth it to face the drama now than trying to continue living in anxiety and dread on my own site? I really don't wanna be heckled by their friends if I do kick them (because they seem like the type to do so), but I can't keep hating coming onto my site. Pls help. 😕

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Fully agreed with what's already been said here: Ban the member in question, and if their friends start stirring shit, ban them, too. I know many of us who admin sites hate to lose any members, but these people are not benefiting your site. No degree of activity or writing prowess can make up for being an asshole.

 

Furthermore, your window hasn't closed. You're the admin; your window is open indefinitely. I understand where you're coming from with regards to feeling nothing that's been done recently is ban-worthy -- If you're trying to run a balanced game, fairness is important. But you're also allowed the benefit of time to further assess the situation. Even if they weren't icing you out and coming off rude to you now, it's still your prerogative to change your mind after further consideration.

 

As was said, it's your site. This is supposed to be fun, and you put in too much time and effort as an admin to be bullied in your own space. It's better to have 5 players who are respectful and kind than 50 who are dicks. The bad seeds will just bring the whole thing down, and if they don't like it, they can create their own game.

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I agree with everyone. Ban the problem members and their friends as well.

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 I agree with everyone else. Ban them. It is your site and your space. Now is the time to protect that now, more than ever. I don't even allow those types of behavior to surface on the sites I admin because I  had bad experiences in the past after giving chance after chance and being way too passive about taking actions (this was in my early admin years). I have also been on the flip side, where there were toxic members that weren't banned and literally killed a site that had a lot of potential. The admin mistakingly gave them way too much power, ignored members concerns, and allowed the site to completely change. Toxic people, create toxic environments. I am sure you don't want your site to become that, so see this as protecting your own mental health and site. You should not dread coming on your own site.

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I am absolutely in agreement with everyone that says ban the ones causing problems.  If their friends leave too, so be it, and if they cause problems, ban them too, because you do not want that continuing drama.  I had a sort of similar issue in that things went south with a member I thought was a friend, it just accelerated from there to that same point where I felt a bit ill about the drama and my own board.  Tried to work things out to no avail.  Banning was the best thing for my mental health and definitely the best thing for the board, despite losing a couple members.  The whole atmosphere of the board and the discord was greatly improved after that for everyone.  Trust me, other people will pick up on the tension too and it will just be harmful to you and your site.

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I can't really disagree with anything that has been said before. What I will add is that anyone showing a staff member disrespect is a bad thing for people to see on your site; but it's also the fact they feel able to *get away with it* - again, probably not an attitude you want to encourage. Remember it's important for you to think about this; you are still a member and a person and you are entitled to the same respect and courtesy you show to everyone else. 

 

When in doubt about it being a **directed at Staff** switch it around and remember this; would you have the same hesitation if they were displaying this attitude and behaviour toward a member. Often we as staff take on more abuse/rudeness because we feel we should. 

 

It can be hard to say goodbye to someone who've you have gotten along with before. But ultimately in these situations you stand to lose more by doing nothing, as your members become concerned about both your dedication and also their own safety to play in this kind of negative environment. Generally, by this time most of your members are aware of these issues and are waiting for you to respond. 

 

All in all I hope this helps, and remember sometimes you have to do a hard thing in order to get some positives out of what has become a challenging situation. 

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Sometimes trying to avoid drama by keeping people around just causes more issues in the long run. I’ve done it before, I think everyone has. We don’t WANT to ban people - especially if people on our site are friends with that person. 

 

But with the situation you’ve described, you have to get rid of them. It may cause some drama, but you’ll be able to handle that. If you let it continue you’ll end up burning out and that won’t be good for anyone - including all the members on your site. 

 

I hope it all all works out for you and things get better! ❤️

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On 6/15/2019 at 1:59 PM, Keaton said:

As was said, it's your site. This is supposed to be fun, and you put in too much time and effort as an admin to be bullied in your own space. It's better to have 5 players who are respectful and kind than 50 who are dicks. The bad seeds will just bring the whole thing down, and if they don't like it, they can create their own game.

 

In agreement with what everyone said plus this. A big site does not always equal a happy site.  A bad seed can push away potential members, make members (even longtime members) feel unwelcome and it is your sandbox that they have joined. Would you accept this if they were bullying a member? I doubt it. I've been there and I felt the impact of what happens when it goes on for too long. No point wasting time. Some people respond when other people are patient and understanding while others take advantage of it. 

 

Ban them. If the friends cause problems they can be banned too. 

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You know, it seems like all these problems have occurred on the discord, so personally, I would just give them a time out on Discord and temp ban them for a little bit so they can cool down.

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22 hours ago, Samantha said:

Sometimes trying to avoid drama by keeping people around just causes more issues in the long run. I’ve done it before, I think everyone has. We don’t WANT to ban people - especially if people on our site are friends with that person. 

 

But with the situation you’ve described, you have to get rid of them. It may cause some drama, but you’ll be able to handle that. If you let it continue you’ll end up burning out and that won’t be good for anyone - including all the members on your site. 

 

I hope it all all works out for you and things get better! ❤️

 

 

Definitely seconding this. You can try to be nice to people, but eventually there may come a point where you have to boot some asses out the door. In my experience, any initial disturbances are usually worth the tradeoff compared to letting things continue to fester.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Bit late to the party, and echoing what others have said, but what the hell. Yes, get rid of them. If you have to tread on eggshells around them on your own site, then you may as well.

 

What a lot of trouble members don't realise is that a forum is not a place to do whatever they like. It's not a democracy. You can boot them for any reason, or for no reason at all. And in this case they seem to be incapable of moving past disagreements. Instead they continue to be rude, ignore you in the chat, etc. Life's too short to be dealing with petty children.

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