When you're a very slow, very insecure admin

[Anonymous 234]

I've always been a slow RPer. I guess I'm just better at thel lore/coding/running the board stuff than I am at keeping up with posting.

 

I've been trying to be more active and post more frequently, especially since I had a very serious depressive episode that left me unable to do more than staff things for...probably eight months, and my personal life over the last couple of years has been tumultuous.

 

I try to stick to our board's activity standard (one IC post per month) and I'm not making more characters until I can reliably post a few times a week.

 

Recently I found out that another staffer had been talking about me to non-staff and making it sound like everyone on the staff team wishes I would stop making characters and only run the board but they won't talk to me directly about it because they think I'm going to nuke the board in a fit of pique apparently. (Never mind that if I took the board offline literally any staffer could put it right back. They have the ability)

 

I'm also finding out that my writing partners won't talk to me if they have a problem with the speed of my replies because I'm the admin and it's intimidating to talk to me apparently. Which helps no one because I can't fix a problem if I don't know something is wrong.

 

I honestly am now very uncomfortable writing on my board at all and feel like it's pointless to even try plotting or posting because 99% of my board hates me.

 

How do I bounce back? Is it even worth it?

 

Anonymous poster hash: c58fc...57d

[Somniac 207]

Real life comes first, always.

 

So, first up: do your own rules apply to you? Are you getting hit by activity checks the way a member or other staff member would? If not, that is probably causing friction. Apply rules evenly.

 

Second up: Not a great situation. It sounds like there's some major tension here. Have you guys had a talk about what would go down if you no longer wanted to deal with the board? They're already making their own conclusions, so better late than never.

 

Is the talking behind the back a normal thing with this staff member, or a new development? It's kind of weird that they expect you to curate rather than partake in your own game, so there's that. I'd allow myself a deep breath, cup of tea, and some text-based screaming into the void before whittling it down to the actual substance of my point and confronting them (if I were you).

 

I had a game where staff was urged to take two days off from the game a week, every week. I do think it helped prevent burn-out and the weird sniping that can come from being 'cooped up' in the same place long-term.

 

I also know of a game that is open seasonally and then taken down at regular, planned intervals. It's been going for... something like 11+ years? If you need a lot of down time, that might be a format that works better for you and takes some pressure off.

 

Third up: Some people have had some pretty nasty experiences with admins. All you can do is be fair, stay engaged, and be proactive about reaching out where applicable. A frank conversation about expectations can keep feelings from getting hurt down the line for the price of some comparatively minor discomfort up-front.

 

It might be a loud minority who's chafed with you. It could be that there's things that need fixing, like different rules for staff and members. It could be you've stretched yourself too thin between lore, coding, running the board, and plotting. It could be your visions and current staff visions are incompatible. 

 

As for whether it's worth it or not - that's something only you can answer. Can you get what you're looking for better met on another board, or does this one offer something unique? Do you like admining? Did you ever like admining if you don't now - and if so, are there ways you can return to that kind of 'era,' so to say? Will you be happier if you stay or if you leave?

 

Good luck, and hope you guys are able to get on the same page.

[Anonymous 234]

OP here!

 

I have always made a point to follow our activity rules, which are pretty lax (one IC post per month). I guess the complaint is that I "never play my characters" which is untrue--i'm getting one or more posts per month on each of my characters. I have not at a place in my life where I am comfortable commiting to multiple threads per character and plotting with every single member for a while but now things are improving and I was starting to have more confidence in myself. Until yesterday. 

 

Apparently these things were said on that staffer's private voice chat (and I wouldn't mind that she has a private chat...if it weren't just her friends from the board). That staffer has always had a habit of sticking her foot in her mouth when she voice chats and has leaked things/told players more about incidents than they need to know before, and talked mad shit.

 

I guess I'm worried that she's poisoned the well, you know?  I brought that up with the other staffers when we found out about the private chat and they said "Well, anon, you're not very active and people are going to get frustrated and vent and not talk to you about it because you're the admin and that's not on Staffer X"

 

Which, fine, vent, but when you're telling a whole-ass voice chat with players on your board about how I shouldn't be admin and I shouldn't play on my own board and that staff has talked to me about my activity and I didn't take it well (a conversation that 1- never happened and 2- is something that should never be shared with non-staff in the event something like that did happen.) and that no one will talk to me if they have  a problem because they think I'll rage quit and burn the board down...

 

I don't know. I thought that other staffer was a friend. 

 

I love that board. I've been there for several years. I became admin a few years ago after the old admin quit. I helped migrate our board from the old admin's host to our current one. 

 

And I really, really want to be more active again. But I'm so uncomfortable posting there right now. I don't know if I can trust anyone anymore. I don't know how much shit was being talked about me or how much of what I was told is even true or how many members won't post with me because of things that other staffer might be saying in her DMs with players or on her private chat. 

 

...but I'm going to try anyway. After I drink some coffee and write a strongly worded letter which I will then burn.

Anonymous poster hash: c58fc...57d

[Kit the Human 758]

I've read this a few times and I'm not sure I'm missing something but: nothing you've said makes me think that everyone hates you. Everything you've said makes me think that people want to see you be more active on your forum with the characters that you have. If you're not able to increase your activity, it sounds like they're hoping you know when to step back, put your characters on inactive and keep the place running. Because as it was, seems like people felt like they were in limbo with your posts.

 

The biggest problem here seems to be some pretty poor communication. With the information at hand, I feel like addressing why people are uncomfortable talking to you might be prudent? And actually take that on board and ponder how you can make people more comfortable.

Edited June 20, 2019 by Kit the Human

[Morrigan 1,826]

While I agree with some of the above I want to also say:
That fucking sucks that people are talking behind your back about you instead of talking to you about it.

 

Do you have confirmation from someone that you can name to others when you confront them about the fact that they are uncomfortable or upset or whatever? Like "Hey, so-n-so told me that you have a problem with my post speed. Can we talk about it?" or is this just something you happened upon while they thought you were gone or... I guess I'm really asking how you found out that they are uncomfortable or upset with you?

 

I want to know because I want to find out if its paranoia or confirmed information.

[Somniac 207]

Hey OP.

 

Good on you for following your own rules, evaluating whether a criticism is addressing an actual problem or not, acknowledging your own contributions, and being on track to get more confidence in yourself. Bonus points for cathartic burning shit.

 

So, from your follow-up I see this:

• A mismatch of activity expectations between you and people you're roleplaying with
• A mismatch in privacy expectations with yourself and staff
• A possible misunderstanding about a past conversation

Activity Expectations: If I were you, I'd follow up with everyone I was roleplaying with, mention I can guarantee 1 post per character a month, ask if that rate was alright for them  - and if not, discuss dropping some threads or setting up some sort of prioritization (say, 1 finished thread a month) for plots we're both particularly attached to.

 

Privacy Expectations: This one's a doozy. It sounds like you and your staff member(s) has an entirely different way of processing things. She processes things by running it by friends. You try to sort things out by seeking advice in a way that would not implicate her. Both are valid ways of existing, but they're also kind of oil and water.

 

She (and the rest of staff) does have the right to share her experiences with others, as long as she has not promised to keep these things confidential. As do you. I know I'd personally chafe if I was expected to keep most of my interactions with someone secret because I've been isolated by people with those kind of standards (and often double standards at that) in the past.

 

At the same time, no one is entitled to being allowed to maintain a lie. If that is indeed what is going on here, that stinks of manipulation to me. How much arsenic do you tolerate in your food? Probably trace amounts, but not enough to kill you. The same should go for your well water.

 

Past Conversation: Something happened. Something big enough for your staff to unilaterally agree that approaching you was something to do very, very carefully. This conversation may not have registered to you the way it registered to them. It might have been a seemingly offhanded comment that meant far more to them than you had enough information to realize. It could be more a result of gossip on their end, or it could have been an actual conversation that had a butterfly effect.

 

Ask for transcripts of that conversation. If they have that, or a summary of a conversation that sounds familiar, listen, take some time to digest and try to see where they're coming from. If they don't, then this is opening up more questions than it is answering. Take another cup of tea, burn another effigy and then ask them. We can't fix what we don't know is broken.

 

Yes, people will talk, but that is not always a malevolent thing. Ideally, most things from hereon out can be resolved amongst yourselves with minimal involvement of third parties. Maybe it's the same team. Maybe Staff X needs her own board.

 

... Junk mail is really handy to keep for the blank sides. Just saying.

[Anonymous 234]

20 hours ago, Kit the Human said:

I've read this a few times and I'm not sure I'm missing something but: nothing you've said makes me think that everyone hates you. Everything you've said makes me think that people want to see you be more active on your forum with the characters that you have. If you're not able to increase your activity, it sounds like they're hoping you know when to step back, put your characters on inactive and keep the place running. Because as it was, seems like people felt like they were in limbo with your posts.

 

The biggest problem here seems to be some pretty poor communication. With the information at hand, I feel like addressing why people are uncomfortable talking to you might be prudent? And actually take that on board and ponder how you can make people more comfortable.

OP here! Now that I've BURNINATED EVERYTHING and am less of a rattled emotional wreck, I'm going to try to paint a clearer, easier to understand picture. 
 

I can't explain why I feel like most of my board hates me--it's probably a cross between anxiety/clinical depression brain weasels and finding out about things that are being said behind my back instead of to my face. That really hurts my feelings, y'know? 

 

I'm not sure how to make people more comfortable talking to me? When I have tried to address it in the past I got the ol' "oh it's because you're admin and it's intimidating" runaround. Which, okay, I have anxiety, I get it, but I can't know something is wrong if I'm not told. I guess I could DM members just to say hello or check in or something and try to build OOC connections but I am otherwise at a loss. I can't make people talk to me. I have asked Staffer X and the others that if players are complaining about me to them that I'd appreciate it if they'd shut it down and direct them to me (since I cannot fix things if I don't know what's wrong), but, once again, I get the 'ol "oh you know they won't talk to you if they have a problem with you" runaround. 

 

[insert shrug emoji here]  

 

19 hours ago, Morrigan said:

While I agree with some of the above I want to also say:
That fucking sucks that people are talking behind your back about you instead of talking to you about it.

 

Do you have confirmation from someone that you can name to others when you confront them about the fact that they are uncomfortable or upset or whatever? Like "Hey, so-n-so told me that you have a problem with my post speed. Can we talk about it?" or is this just something you happened upon while they thought you were gone or... I guess I'm really asking how you found out that they are uncomfortable or upset with you?

 

I want to know because I want to find out if its paranoia or confirmed information.

 

It's a long story but let me try to condense it.

 

Let me start by saying that whenever I ask about things or if I'm doing something that makes people uncomfortable, I always get the "oh no no no everything's fine I'm just intimidated because you're the admin" runaround. So I bop along, thinking everything is fine and thennnn one day it isn't.

 

Anyway. My board has a system that randomly pairs RPers together. Sometimes people don't get along, so we let them tell us who they don't want to be paired with. The "Never Match Us" list is strictly staff only. Members are not allowed to ask if they're on anyone's list and staff aren't allowed to tell members if they're on anyone's list. 

 

A couple of days ago a member (let's call them Adrian) expressed concern that Staffer X had been  leaking staff business in a private voice chat. Things like disclosing what's on the "Never Match Us" list, picking apart apps over voice chat, and reading the DMs she sends members when she pends their applications out loud, to the members of her private chat. Adrian put me in contact with a member I'm going to call Jerry who had been in Staffer X's private voice chat. Jerry was on our board for a few months and left on not-great terms, but was able to tell me things that he should not have known (like, again, Adrian being on another member's "Never Match Us" list and the reasons why),  the details of a private conversation between Staffer X and I (Which I absolutely did not give consent for Staffer X to share), and the aforementioned bit where Staffer X wishes I'd stop roleplaying and just curate the board.

 

Like I said, Jerry left on not-great terms, and I am suspicious of his motives for bringing it up now, and voice chat doesn't leave a paper trail. But Staffer X has a pattern of talking shit and starting/being in the middle of drama in voice chat.  It caused a lot of problems a couple of years ago, and we had to out and out remove voice chat a few months ago because Staffer X can't stop putting her foot in her mouth. I've also had a handful of complaints about Staffer X being rude and unprofessional over the years we've worked together, and those are the only reasons why I'm giving Jerry any credence. 

 

I don't want to rock the boat and ask the other members Jerry named as being part of the private chat about it just yet, because I don't want them to think they're in trouble (they're not and wouldn't be) or being interrogated. I just want to get to the bottom of things. I figure the truth will eventually come out one way or the other.

 

17 hours ago, Somniac said:

Hey OP.

 

Good on you for following your own rules, evaluating whether a criticism is addressing an actual problem or not, acknowledging your own contributions, and being on track to get more confidence in yourself. Bonus points for cathartic burning shit.

 

So, from your follow-up I see this:

• A mismatch of activity expectations between you and people you're roleplaying with
• A mismatch in privacy expectations with yourself and staff
• A possible misunderstanding about a past conversation

Activity Expectations: If I were you, I'd follow up with everyone I was roleplaying with, mention I can guarantee 1 post per character a month, ask if that rate was alright for them  - and if not, discuss dropping some threads or setting up some sort of prioritization (say, 1 finished thread a month) for plots we're both particularly attached to.

 

Privacy Expectations: This one's a doozy. It sounds like you and your staff member(s) has an entirely different way of processing things. She processes things by running it by friends. You try to sort things out by seeking advice in a way that would not implicate her. Both are valid ways of existing, but they're also kind of oil and water.

 

She (and the rest of staff) does have the right to share her experiences with others, as long as she has not promised to keep these things confidential. As do you. I know I'd personally chafe if I was expected to keep most of my interactions with someone secret because I've been isolated by people with those kind of standards (and often double standards at that) in the past.

 

At the same time, no one is entitled to being allowed to maintain a lie. If that is indeed what is going on here, that stinks of manipulation to me. How much arsenic do you tolerate in your food? Probably trace amounts, but not enough to kill you. The same should go for your well water.

 

Past Conversation: Something happened. Something big enough for your staff to unilaterally agree that approaching you was something to do very, very carefully. This conversation may not have registered to you the way it registered to them. It might have been a seemingly offhanded comment that meant far more to them than you had enough information to realize. It could be more a result of gossip on their end, or it could have been an actual conversation that had a butterfly effect.

 

Ask for transcripts of that conversation. If they have that, or a summary of a conversation that sounds familiar, listen, take some time to digest and try to see where they're coming from. If they don't, then this is opening up more questions than it is answering. Take another cup of tea, burn another effigy and then ask them. We can't fix what we don't know is broken.

 

Yes, people will talk, but that is not always a malevolent thing. Ideally, most things from hereon out can be resolved amongst yourselves with minimal involvement of third parties. Maybe it's the same team. Maybe Staff X needs her own board.

 

... Junk mail is really handy to keep for the blank sides. Just saying.

 

You always have the best advice, especially the junk mail bit ❤️ 

 

Anonymous poster hash: c58fc...57d

[Jaxx 317]

Sounds like there's a lot going on. But also like Staffer X needs to be removed from her position for the way she's behaved, judging by the way you've described her. This is definitely a tough situation and I don't believe there's an easy answer, but I wish you the best in solving things and that your board continues happily on for many years!

[Brie 51]

If staffer x is so incredibly unprofessional and flooding your board with toxicity, then they need to be removed from staff and warned they’ll be banned if they continue to start anything as a member (if you let them stay at all). That’s completely unacceptable and a breach of trust not only for you, but also to the other members he/she exposed info on. We admins tend to take a lot more abuse than we should because we think we have to, but the second it effects members that’s it. Done.  Your board has a promise to never reveal the no match up list and staffer x is breaching that contract to make themselves look big by tearing others down. 

 

A policy where staff are to direct members to the proper channels of communication (including coming to you directly if there’s an issue) or to have a staff chat where the staff share all the issues they’re presented with that might help cut down on some of the miscommunication. I for one love love love when my members come to

me with issues, even if it’s literally about something I’m doing/not doing. Helps me better manage the community.

 

As far as posting frequency, as long as you’re following your own rules and trying to up your posting speed, then you’re fine. You could send a private pm out to find out who would like to finish up threads and who would like to keep going if you’d really like to get stuff going 🙂

 

But jeez staffer x has got to go. Like yesterday.

Edited June 21, 2019 by Brie

[Let-make-nice 39]

Honestly,  what I see is you're at least talking to your staff and showing that you care.   Posting slowly is not a big deal.  As long as you're: 

a) respecting your own rules ;

b) supporting your staff by participating in staff discussion ;

c) taking on what staff work  you can (or clearly stating what you can't do) ;

c) interacting in chat with the members and being generally friendly and active ;

Then you should be fine. 

 

Unless  you're being a "ghost" admin who doesn't do adminy things, doesn't interact in the community and doesn't play the threads (which is great for killing RP sites)?

 

However, that doesn't seem like what you are doing.  ❤️

[Shades 676]

A bit late to the party, but I'll just echo the sentiment that Staffer X has to go yesterday. This person obviously doesn't have the site's best interest at heart, and keeping them on staff only gives them access to things they have no maturity to handle. I know demoting staff sucks, and I've left sites - both as a member and as a staff member - because admins drag their feet when it comes to demoting a toxic staffer or someone who never does their job but holds on to the title.  You may think it harms only you, but a bad staff member harms the entire community.

 

So, your first order of business is getting Staffer X out of the team. And then talk to your writing partners and see which ones are okay with your posting speed and which would like to wrap up the threads. You deserve to have fun on your own board!

[Sammiie 40]

Sounds like a crummy situation on all levels. And I agree with everyone: it seems like Staffer X is in the center of the problem - she's the one causing all of it for you (with the exception of your activity). Breaching confidentiality, stirring the shit pot, and being rude to members are big red flags. Get rid of her. 

 

Would it hurt to put out a public message (perhaps in a  news post or something) about your situation and apologize to those who have been affected by your absence / slowness? 

 

As an admin on my own site, my co-admin and I try to be as transparent with our members as possible. We are all on the same level, except we run the game. Still, if there's something going on where it's causing tension, etc., we will push out a news post or an announcement and explain the situation, the consequences, and the changes just so everyone is clear on it and everyone knows what's going on going forward.

 

When our admin lied to us and left to make her own site, and we had to quickly change Discords because we found out she was spying on us... we had to tell everyone what was going on because it affected everyone. Of course, we only gave the need-to-know details and left everything else out, but being transparent with everyone else let them know that it was this problem, not drama, and it was done and over with. No dwelling, no problems, no drama. Done deal.

 

You can even add that you don't mind if people come to you about your activity. This message is coming from you, to all. Let them know that you won't bite their heads off for asking about your activity. Let them know that you're not a god and you're a person like them and they can talk to you like you're on their level.

 

I think, first, you should confront your admin team. Air everything out. Even if some of it is negative, even if some of it hurts your feelings. There's clearly tensions, and they need to be addressed before you as a team can move on, and in turn, your board can get back to normal. If you must, talk to each of them one-on-one first. Maybe that'd lessen tensions a bit more.

 

Another suggestion, while you go through this stressful time, is maybe NPC or drop some more characters to where you're only down to a couple, which you can have multiple threads with and handle a bit better. 

Edited August 30, 2019 by Sammiie