The Needy member

[Anonymous 234]

I just joined a site and this member that joined around the same time as me is basically smothering.

 

First off they were apping to another site and were denied but they took their time (apped afterward) to this site. Almost as if it were their backup site. But the application process/reasons aren't my issue.

 

They are starting to feel needy.

 

It's a Panfandom/collective sort of site. Not a problem right?

 

I feel like her fandoms are triggers. I mention a fandom I like or am interested in and its like a hound to the slaughter she is there and talking about it.

 

Its not against any rules. I have no idea how other members feel but I'm starting to get the heebie jeebies that I'm not sure other members or even staff are getting. It just is feeling like the:

 

 

And I'm not sure how to approach it without feeling like I'm paranoid. Just all of my "crazy" bells are going off.

Anonymous poster hash: 4c0d0...c89

[A l e x 16]

I actually had a similar issue on a site I staff. One member was constantly on another about just about anything and everything. The final straw was member A insisting that member B ship a pair of their characters together. In this case the staff was aware and recommended that member A simply block member B. We as staff also contacted member B and explained that member A was not interested in plotting with them and to refrain from contacting member A in the future.

 

With your situation I would recommend the same thing. There's no need for you to even tell the staff if you prefer not to, though I believe transparency is generally helpful. Basically you can just let a member of staff know what you've said here. Roleplay is about having fun, I strive to make any site I'm on welcoming to all. But there are definitely limits and if this person is making you uncomfortable, perhaps it's best to simply cut ties?

[Let-make-nice 39]

I feel like maybe we need to know more 🙂 

 

How long has this been going on, for starters? If this is just a day-old issue, setting boundaries with Needy might just do the trick.  RP attracts all sorts of people, including the socially awkward, so gently telling them that you would like to also interact with other players might do the trick.

 

Also, is this weirdness in DMs or in chat? If it's in DMs you might simply tell them that you need a bit of space so you can write your app and posts, and if they keep messaging you, you can put yourself on DND or take a longer time to response. 

 

I agree that it's not our job to, lol, educate people but equally sometimes patiently expressing our needs can go a long way towards toning down excessive but well-meaning behavior. It's not impossible that this person has *no idea* that their over-enthusiasm comes across as overbearing, after all.

 

If you feel really uncomfortable, you should tell staff, but only once you've spoken to the member about the issue, since bringing it up might fix the issue.  It's quite likely staff will ask if you've spoken to them before they take action anyhow. 

 

I hope this helped! Good luck 🙂

 

Edit: Here are some things I would say to Needy if I were in your shoes:

- So I'm going to focus on posting for a little bit, I feel like I've neglected Player Z.

-  I really feel the need to branch out and get to know the community, so I'll talk to you later.

- I feel it would be really cool if we didn't come off as a clique; we just got here. Let's socialize! 

- Hey, Player X is all alone in chat, let's include them ! 

 

Edited July 3, 2019 by Let-make-nice

[clipsed 231]

29 minutes ago, Let-make-nice said:

How long has this been going on, for starters? If this is just a day-old issue, setting boundaries with Needy might just do the trick.  RP attracts all sorts of people, including the socially awkward, so gently telling them that you would like to also interact with other players might do the trick.

 

Also, is this weirdness in DMs or in chat? If it's in DMs you might simply tell them that you need a bit of space so you can write your app and posts, and if they keep messaging you, you can put yourself on DND or take a longer time to response. 

 

I agree that it's not our job to, lol, educate people but equally sometimes patiently expressing our needs can go a long way towards toning down excessive but well-meaning behavior. It's not impossible that this person has *no idea* that their over-enthusiasm comes across as overbearing, after all.

 

This was my first thought as well! As someone with social anxiety who knows she can be "a lot", it's difficult for me to find the healthy middle ground in new communities sometimes! If it's only been a few days, it's probably one of those things that will work itself out 🙂 If it's been a few weeks, though, DND in private chat clients like Skype and Discord is your best friend. In the public chats, something along the lines of indulging briefly before redirecting to a new topic is a polite way rein things in a bit!

 

Is this something that's just happening with you, or is it a community issue? If it's the former, you will need to be more direct, and might want to consider talking to the staff team if you are comfortable with them and they are community-focused (rather than heavy-handed, "My way or the highway" admins)!

[Somniac 207]

This sounds like it could be a Bitch Eating Crackers thing. Both you and she might be perfectly lovely people. We don’t know. All I can really say is that whenever you see her talk you. hear. CRUNCH.

 

That is a problem, and it bears addressing. I know a lot of people think it’s rude to use the block function, but it has literally saved me some acquaintanceships simply from not having to mentally engage with every frustrating comment that whoever I need some distance from has made. It’s also given me some perspective re: am I just having a moment, or am I actually straight-up better off not engaging with them?

 

As long as you're not DMing/plotting with each other, it can be fairly discreet. If you are DMing/plotting with each other, that's an entirely different ballgame and one you should probably opt out of for both your sakes.

 

TL;DR: You need elbow space. Block them or otherwise disengage.

Edited July 4, 2019 by Somniac
tl;dr added

[Keaton 133]

I'm in agreement with @Let-make-niceand @clipsed-- I need more info. I've been in this sort of position many times in the past, and there's a vast difference between someone who is massively controlling and pushy, trying to get you to ship, "claiming" you and your characters... and someone who might not approach social situations as easily and intuitively and is just looking for a friend. Based on what you've said about the mention of their favorite fandoms getting them going, it is sounding to me like it might be the second, but it's hard to tell. Could this simply be a situation of someone thinking you're really cool and looking up to you and not quite knowing how to handle that?

 

Only you know your own limits, so if you think being around this person is likely to result in you reacting negatively or feeling stressed or unhappy, definitely look for ways to extract yourself from the situation. But my suggestion is to consider which situation this is (pushy/possessive vs. socially awkward), as these things warrant different reactions, IMO. I'm ashamed of having frozen out some socially awkward folks when I was younger, when they were completely harmless and just looking for someone to share their excitement with. I wish I had been more patient and kind, because I've since over the years made friends with some folks with similar approaches and found them to be wonderful friends. @Let-make-nicehad some awesome suggestions; I especially liked:

 

Quote

 

- I feel it would be really cool if we didn't come off as a clique; we just got here. Let's socialize! 

- Hey, Player X is all alone in chat, let's include them ! 

 

 

But again, only you know your limits or the specifics of the situation, and you've got to think about your own well-being too! Even if it's the "harmless excitement" situation, encouraging them to make more friends and not hyper-focus on you is a good thing.