Guilt tripping and not respecting my decision to scale back writing limits

[Anonymous 234]

So a little bit of background for context. I have run my two sites for around 5 years at this point. I have posted at least once a day, every single day, for this long.

 

However, recently I am suffering from burn out, mostly due to RPing on the same setting for so long. I also have a busy job and I simply cannot post several times a day like I used to.

 

While 99% of members have been understanding of my desire to reduce my IC presence and move back towards a more passive, staff-only role, some have been unreasonable and passive-aggressive about it.

 

Those in question have been around almost from the start, so it's almost become an expectation from them that I post daily, multiple times, no matter what.

 

So much so, that when I calmly explained to them my burn out, and how I no longer desired to post every day, they did not sympathise. They reacted as if I'm a jerk for daring to admit my feelings that I'm not as enthused as I was all those years ago. And in turn, I get frustrated, because I have posted for these people every day for five years, so I tend to think "what more do you want from me?".

 

Most recently one of these members in question has gone quite silent over the past week (the day after I told them my desire to scale back), which is unlike them. I reached out with a simple "hey there, how you doing?" over DM. The response I got was (paraphrasing):

 

"I am disillusioned over how things are now, and I'm strongly considering joining another site that can actually meet my writing needs."

 

Now, I take offence at this. Not because they want to join a new site. They can go and join it, they can do what they want, I don't care. But the message feels like a guilt trip at its core, as if to indirectly tell me it's somehow my fault that they're disenchanted, that's what hurts me. I have done nothing wrong. I've been open and honest with them about my desire to scale back my IC threads.

 

Furthermore, our sites have been more active lately than in the past. This member has several threads with various other members. More than they've had in the past (so they've never pulled this whole 'your site doesn't fit my needs' before, only now when I personally no longer want to engage in multiple threads per day). So again, I feel as though their comment is a dig at my decision personally. I don't care if they join another site, what I care about is them sending me passive aggressive, manipulative messages that aim to make me feel guilty.

 

So, with all that said, how would you reply to a message like this?

 

My gut instinct is to kill it with kindness. "Cool! Let me know how it goes!"

 

But on the other hand, I want to tell them that if they are trying to guilt me, that is really not ok.

 

How would you guys handle this?

Anonymous poster hash: c5f28...174

[Dragon 673]

2 minutes ago, Anonymous said:

My gut instinct is to kill it with kindness. "Cool! Let me know how it goes!"

 

That's pretty much what you should do. 

 

That member has a right to be upset, if that's how they feel. Maybe their plots with you were their favorite, and the primary reason they stuck around the site - despite having plenty of threading with other players. I think most people have a core set of favorites that keep them on any site, if not one single favorite. 

However , if that (or anything similar) really is their reason - then they should respect YOU enough to explain that, rather than resort to passive aggressive fuckery. 

 

Kill them with kindness, first. If that doesn't shut them down, and they come back at you over it, then they're trying to manipulate a guilt trip - like you suspect. At that point dispense the politeness, and outright call them on it. Tell them it isn't okay, and why t isn't okay. 

[Morrigan 1,826]

You've been transparent and I wouldn't take the low road and "kill it with kindness" that's as passive aggressive as they are being. Even the explanation of them trying to guilt you into threads seems a little like you're trying to reverse guilt them into understanding your side of things.

 

Lets be real, there is no win in this particular position and you will have to accept that on at least the lowest modicum of a level.

 

I would go kind of in the middle. "Hey, I wish you luck on any sites you decide to join. My admission was in no way a means to hinder our plot together but more to help me collect myself by reducing my creative and emotional strain when roleplaying. I know its hard being that we've been playing so long but I feel its best for me right now to take a step back. I know that it can be frustrating, especially with how consistently we've played but overall it's the best decision for me."

 

Some rendition of that. Don't make it about them AT ALL. Because in the end, its not about them and they are trying to make it about them. They really need to understand that this is for you and about you and you need to make that clear for them.

[Somniac 207]

The way they responded was rude, but at least you have your answer.

 

Everyone has feelings, and we all have different ways of handling them. Maybe they regret being snappy with you - maybe they don't. If I knew them that long without prior unresolved incident, I'd probably err on the side of them being a person I respect having a bad moment.

 

If it's something you'd still like to salvage, it's a good idea to emphasize both that you realize that they're upset by your changes and that you hope they find what they're looking for, but that you also felt guilt-tripped by the heavy implication that your site was no longer good enough.

 

Now is a good time to consider what you liked from them, and whether those things could (or should) still be negotiated. I'm curious as to whether this is the only thing your roleplay partner was upset about, or if this might have been the 'final straw' in a situation they were quietly dissatisfied with for a long time. It seems like an unusual point to throw in the towel for them, as you mentioned they'd been satisfied with lower posting rates in the recent past.

[MegHanSolo 13]

Woof.

 

I can barely even fathom having to be in a conversation like this. Especially regarding the state of things right now. Everyone is languishing, everyone is burnt out. Roleplay is a hobby. It's a creative pursuit! The energy we have for this comes and goes in waves. Always has, but the past year+ have really been challenging. Now, more than ever, showing a lack of empathy in regards to the waning and waxing of enthusiasm and energy is toxic. That said, I don't know the full situation - but judging by your post, I think it's safe to say you've probably communicated with your other writing partners in regards to navigating plots you might be needing to step away from right now. But in my opinion, once you've communicated - you've done everything in your power to keep things moving without you. You're off the hook. 

Not only that, but the above, to me, has this person raising a lot of red flags. Multiple threads per day? Most people are weekly posters - especially if they're full time students, or adults with full time jobs. There's a lot of disregard for your needs and personal life here. I think you should just let this person stew and allow them to make their own decisions. By no means should you be working overtime to keep them in your community, especially when it seems like they're more likely to hurt it than foster things such as understanding and mutual respect. 

[DivineRabbit 64]

I would go with " let me know how it goes- have a good day'  Simply because its utter rubbish to use guilt to make you post more when you absolutely have the right to step back. We have a admin that is taking time off for very good reasons-if anyone guilted them I would taint punch them verbally.

 

We do not write to appease people- we write for ourselves. For enjoyment and  no one should tell you when or how you enjoy your hobby-even if its just to take a breather because you know you need it.

 

 

I had someone try guilt on me---and for the record because I loved them as a out of the box friend I let them. I was so miserable. I have no words. Finally I put my foot down and suffice to say now that guilt is not a workable thing--they faded off- well so much for ten years of friendship- BUT-  I am happier I did what I needed to do.

[valoura 6]

I'm not even sure if I would even respond.

They can't be mad at you for putting real-life first. And if you're burnt out, you're burnt out.

They also have the right to move onto a site with the level of activity that meets their needs. It's okay for them to be upset that they've lost something they enjoyed, what isn't okay is purposefully guilting.

 

EDIT: Also, I just noticed this post is a year old... what did you end up doing??

Edited May 28, 2022 by valoura