Messing Up

[Anonymous 234]

So, I'm an Admin on a relatively new board. We're approaching our one year anniversary. We've just reached 15,000 posts and 20 players (not counting staff.) 

 

I am on disability for mental health issues and for the last year I've seen suffering from severe sleep apnea. Very severe. I've gone through multiple sleep studies and only in the last two weeks have I gotten a bipap machine to provide oxygen to my system while I sleep. Now that I'm starting to regain a solid sleeping pattern I am realizing how badly my thinking was affected by the sleep deprivation. I am realizing that I have basically been running on autopilot. My memory has been shot. My recollection of conversations is wrong. I approved characters and posted races that are imbalanced and lacking in detail. Basically I've done a shit job as Admin. My Co-Admin has been dealing with my problems for a while and supporting me and trying to help me get through this. 

 

So, our 1 year anniversary is coming up (as I mentioned) and my Co-Admin wants to review all the species, our power upgrades, the lore we've put up and iron the rough spots out of it. She even invited two old friends she knows to come help her because they're solid, creative reliable people; and I'm ashamed to admit that I am incredibly insecure about the situation. Both of these new staff have known her longer than I have; have RP'd with her longer than I have and have more history with her. My mental health issues and insecurity is flaring up something horrible and I am trying to cope with it like an adult but frankly I've been acting like a spoiled child. I am insecure and terrified of being replaced and I am having a hard time not being passive aggressive towards our new Mods. At the same token I've acknowledged that because of my sleep problems and mental health I need to step back from Co-Admin down to Moderator so I am not feeling as much pressure; but at the same time doing that makes my insecurity even higher. 

 

I'm trying really hard to acknowledge the ways I am being an irrational asshole and fix it but I don't know how to cope with my insecurity. 

 

Does anyone have any staff suggestions on how to cope with needed changes and additional staff as your board grows when you're an insecure wreck? 

Anonymous poster hash: ffb6b...14c

[Somniac 207]

Hello, Anonymous Insecure Mess.

 

First up: it’s awesome that your life is on an upward trajectory. Unfortunately, that means your past is in comparison to your present now. It sounds like you’re practicing a good amount of self-awareness.

 

It does suck that you’re feeling insecure, but it’s good a part of you realizes that isn’t the new moderators’ faults.

 

It sounds like you and Co-Admin have accomplished some amazing things despite your sleep-deprived state. I don’t know how you process things, but I can tell you what I do to maintain a climate that is disability-friendly:

 

1. I talk about my shortcomings and flaws in a light, humorous way that is entertaining rather than reassurance-seeking. If people can laugh with me, it helps me to remember that we’re all here for a mutual hobby and a mistake is just another opportunity (albeit not the original one I was going for). My life is a neurological nightmare right now, and thus it is extremely important that we’re mistake-friendly for my own sanity.
2. I look for the best in other people. How they treat others will usually line up in a similar ballpark to how they treat me, even if/when I find myself uniquely deplorable. If they’re friends with someone you already trust and get along with, there’s a higher chance they share some similar values to you, too.
3. Are there certain tasks in particular that you’d prefer to have control over? Negotiate that. Most of us do not want to mess up other peoples’ work. Setting out some solid goals and tasks for each person to handle might also alleviate the stress of fearing being replaced/inadequate/what-have-you.

 

Best of luck. While it’s complicated right now, I’m really happy that you got access to treatment that’s made a marked enough difference in your life to feel embarrassed about your past self. I strive to achieve the same lmao

[Anonymous635 1]

Wait. Are you the main admin or a co-admin? I understand you stepped back as a mod, if I'm following correctly but you mention YOUR co-admin suggesting you are the main admin. If you are the main Admin an you dont like or trust these new people. Boot them. It's your site and you should be comfortable on it. However due to your phrasing I cannot tell if the site co-owned, solo owned by you, or solo owned by the other admin as you stepped back?  

[Anonymous 234]

Poorly phrased on my part.

 

I am the secondary Admin who has been working on the board since the Root Admin started the board. I have writing lore and species and such since we opened but original concept belonged to the Root Admin and I am just helping. I simply feel like an equal partner when it comes to the board because we've both put so much work into it. But she is the board owner and the main Admin; which is why I am trying not to rock the boat.

 

And I should emphasize again that the new Moderators haven't done anything to WARRANT my feelings of insecurity and paranoia. 

Anonymous poster hash: ffb6b...14c

[Jaxx 317]

I would suggest you have an open discussion with your co-admin about how you're feeling and what you're worried about. Burying and hiding all these things? Not gonna go well. In my experience, those feelings come out anyway, and it's a lot worse because you've been stewing over it. I would also suggest that you step wholly and completely back from the site until you get yourself together and can handle things like an adult. It's not fair to everyone else otherwise, especially the members if your staff drama tanks the board. Of course, I'm an outsider that knows very little about the situation, but to me it honestly sounds like a train wreck waiting to happen.

Edited September 10, 2019 by Jaxx

[Keaton 133]

I think recognizing your current limitations and taking a step back is a phenomenal place to start. As was said, just acknowledging a situation like this can be difficult, and is to be commended.

Full disclosure that I am not disabled, but I have modded with people who were. I've had folks who were clear-eyed like you've been here and open about personal challenges, and I've always found a way to accommodate them. I've never ever had any issue with other staff having any problem with these sort of adjustments, because the folks in question were good mods who just had shit happen sometimes, as we all do. But, I've also modded with someone who would acknowledge their own issues to get themselves back in staff good graces, and then turn around and be super shitty to people and use said stated issues as an excuse for that. So, you know, don't be that person.

But honestly, you're so open here about your own insecurities and challenges and it sounds like you have thought about this a lot and have a plan, so I feel like staying the course could be the best way to go. Continue being mindful of your own self and how much you can reasonably give, as well as the sneaky ways our brains try to trip us up by making us feel less-than or threatened, and I feel like things can only improve from here.

Very best of luck to you!

[Anonymous 234]

So, I've temporarily asked to step down out of the staff team and just hang out as a player. 

 

I think the points made about my causing staff drama damaging the board is a really valid one and I have no intention of damaging the board. The Root Admin has worked so hard to keep the board stable and organized as it has grown. After a year the board is healthy and has a good population. The fact that some of the lore has had small inconsistencies creep in and some of the powers are imbalanced is not anyone's fault; it's just the result of things being added in spurts. 

 

In my head I am fully aware that the needed tweaking and recoding is not a sign that I have failed as an Admin and been unable to do the job properly. It's my emotions that I am having a hard time getting a grip on. 

 

I don't feel it's fair to take my irrational feelings out on the Moderators that the Root Admin asked to help and I don't think it's fair to cause the Root Admin stress by making her feel like there is a fight going on between her moderating team. So I think the only mature decision I can make is to step back and just; focus on my own brain for a while. 

 

In case it needs to be said; I love this board. I love the players. I love the characters. I love the team I was working with. I love the lore and I love the setting. I am just... being a bit bat shit crazy right now and I can't let myself destroy something I love. I want to get my head on right and come back to work with people in a way that shows them that I'm not an asshole and I don't want to upset them. 

Anonymous poster hash: ffb6b...14c