How to deal with the aftereffects of member toxicity?

[Anonymous 234]

I've seen multiple threads asking others for advice on how to deal with members who are currently creating toxicity on their site; this isn't about that. My question is more about how do you all deal with the emotions after dealing with a toxic member who has left a large stain on your roleplaying experience? 

 

STORY TIME:

 

I have a site that opened a few months ago. Since opening, we've (mostly) had an incredibly positive reception with impressive growth and activity. I'm extremely happy with my site's staff and the general group of roleplayers who have flocked to the site and stayed. 

 

1-2 months ago, we had a new member join. Initially, this person seemed positive. They were engaging with multiple threads on the site, interacting with others, posting wanted ads and character catalogs. We noticed within about a week of this person joining they were posting passive aggressive comments on their profile about other site members (names were not used in their posts, but it was clear they were speaking about someone specific). This happened twice, and both times this happened the subjects of each post came to staff to relay their experiences with the member posting the statuses. Staff learned through direct messages sent between these members that the one posting the statuses was incredibly rude to both individuals. Although the initial member had not done anything directly against site rules in the messages, it was clear that the complaining parties had politely attempted to contact the initial member and were received negatively.

 

Passive aggressive statuses are against site rules, however, so I sent a message to this member asking them to please not post those kinds of messages and to come to staff if they had any issues with other members. I was polite and did not mention the other members' names or their interactions, I only asked to refrain from posting negativity because it is bad for the morale of the site. The member replied vehemently, claiming that staff was incompetent and that because one of our staff members had been rude to them through PMs (which never happened, the member was mistaking one of the writers they had spoken to as a staff member when they very obviously weren't), that they assumed our staff didn't know how to interact with members and if I couldn't keep my staff in check that there was no point in them bringing any potential problems because I would just side with staff. Again, neither of the members this person spoke to were staff AT ALL. 

 

I replied explaining that no one they interacted with was staff, and that any assumptions they made were incorrect. I also pointed out that I was not trying to attack them, only that I want to do my best to encourage a positive, healthy environment and these kinds of passive aggressive messages are simply inappropriate. Once again, the member reacted negatively, claimed that I was forcing them off the site (again not remotely true), and left.

 

We thought that was it, but a few weeks later this person returned to my site. Staff and I decided to leave them be. If they wanted to be a productive member of the site and not break rules, fine. After about a week or two, this member posted, "Bye, thanks for nothing," on their profile, and once again left. I found out later that in private messages, this member had been spreading incredibly hateful lies about my staff and me, saying that we had attacked them privately and run them off the site once before after they had had traumatic experiences with other members. They told new members that staff had spread scandalous lies about them and that was why all their threads on the site died (once again, not true. My co-admin and I NEVER discussed what happened with this member with anyone). Because of their lies, at least one very positive, active, and likable new member abandoned our site and followed this person somewhere else. 

 

I know I shouldn't allow it to bother me, but it upsets me so much that this person lied about how my co-admin and I treated them. We were as polite, respectful, and accommodating as we could be while still trying to let them know these behaviors were not okay. Because of those lies, at least one, if not more, members now have completely false impressions of me and my co-admin. I still have the messages sent between myself and this member, and have evidence of their negative behavior, but know it would do no good to "expose" them, and I'm not that type of person anyway. My co-admin says that if they try to come back again, we should just ban them, but I'm so saddened I can't seem to think clearly about the situation.

 

How do you deal with people like this, and the lasting hurt they leave in their wake? How do you heal knowing that this person is now going to spread lies about who you are and what your site is when you have worked so hard to make it a positive place and be a positive person/site owner?

Anonymous poster hash: 44df2...366

[Dragon 673]

1 hour ago, Anonymous said:

I still have the messages sent between myself and this member, and have evidence of their negative behavior, but know it would do no good to "expose" them, and I'm not that type of person anyway. My co-admin says that if they try to come back again, we should just ban them, but I'm so saddened I can't seem to think clearly about the situation.

 

How do you deal with people like this, and the lasting hurt they leave in their wake? How do you heal knowing that this person is now going to spread lies about who you are and what your site is when you have worked so hard to make it a positive place and be a positive person/site owner?

 

My advice is to go ahead and ban them. Don't given them a third chance to come back around with their vitriol. 

 

Secondly, allow yourself to go through the process. It's okay to feel upset and hurt by being slandered. Beyond that, keep doing what you've been doing. The fact that there hasn't been some kind of mass exodus from the site is strong evidence that most of your member base trust you. Most role players don't stick around sites they feel are run like this these days - there are too many options out there for them to, and even with more niche genres there're almost always at least one other site for them to take their business to. 

 

1 hour ago, Anonymous said:

I found out later that in private messages, this member had been spreading incredibly hateful lies

 

That members came forward and shared these messages is proof that they're on your side, and didn't take the poisoned bait. 

 

Most importantly, however, you need to understand that their lies about you, your co-admin, and your site are not going to hold water long term. This person will, inevitably, create a nasty reputation for themself - if they haven't already. Word about their behavior will spread through the RP community. They will burn other people as badly, if not worse, and some of those people will step back and realize this person is a venomous liar, and their word about you - and others they've slandered - is not valid. 

 

As a closing note, I will reiterate: Ban them now. Letting them turn up and wreak havoc a third time will probably do more damage to your members' faith in you than the asshole ever could. Be confident and decisive in your decisions, don't wait around for "if" scenarios. 

 

 

[Somniac 207]

They've already broken rules and been talked to about breaking said rules. At this point, they're seeing how far they can push said rules before they're actively enforced.

 

Yes, they'll play the victim. They're already playing the victim. All that will change is what notes they hit.

 

I also find it interesting that they're trying to shame you into not talking about them. If they don't want to be ashamed of themself, the onus is on them to not do things they're ashamed of - not the witnesses to not talk about the things they did that they are ashamed of.

 

If your rules are tight and you've already talked to them about rulebreaking, this is exactly the kind of scenario they're there for.

 

Good luck, and try not to sweat what other people might think too much. Patterns emerge, and people notice.

[A l e x 16]

What Dragon said seems pretty spot on.

 

Based on the reaction your other members have had and the fact that they came to you, I think that it's clear that they understand that the individual in question lied. They're on your side, and aren't subscribing to the garbage that's being spread. Additionally, banning them now is not only a confidence thing, but also an opportunity that I believe you must take to demonstrate your commitment to your site's rules. Letting things slide won't help this situation. You've created rules for a reason, so I think it's best to follow through.

[Anonymous 234]

Thank you all for your input. After discussing it with my co-admin, we've decided to ban the member to keep this from happening again in the future. 

Anonymous poster hash: 44df2...366

[boydster 3]

Outside of gaming, there was a member from a different forum that had gone from being a fairly level-headed posted to a pretty radicalized one, actively trying to slander certain groups of people and just generally sow anger. I don't run that forum, so a permanent ban isn't an option I can unilaterally force, so every few months he ends up returning for a short period. There is always a giant flurry of posts, they inevitable create deeper divides within the community than there were previously, and once he gets banned again, posting activity dwindles for a few days before everybody gets back to normal. It's frustrating to watch. There comes a point where the right thing to do is just to admit to yourself that certain people are never going to positively contribute to your community and say goodbye.

[PixieMegs 107]

Dragon pretty much covered any input I had, but I would like to stress that any negative assumptions about you and your co-admin will go away. If you continue to do what you've always done, which is be positive and productive, the members who are unsure will begin to realize that perhaps what they were told is not true. It will take time, but it won't last. Things happen like this on sites and the worst thing you can do is allow it to get to you to the point of making you act unapproachable. By being chatty with all members in your chatbox or discord, you will remind them daily that you are not an admin who sits aloof and judges them. By making your own profile statuses uplifting and encouraging, you'll further this. Reach out and plot with people as well. I found that the quickest way to dispell those thoughts, is to extend an olive branch and let them know you're genuinely interested in them, their characters, and plots they may have to offer. 

 

I know things will smooth out, but for your sake, I hope they do so quickly. I know it's hard. ❤️