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What do you do when your co is a frenemy?


Grimscythe
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 I've had a bit of a predicament lately that I've spoken to some friends about in passing. My intent during those moments were to rant, but now I've come to the realization that maybe it's better if I act, rather than suffer. I don't know where else to turn, so I thought I'd come to you guys: after all, I've found tons of help in the pages of this forum. That said, my co-admin is my frenemy, and I don't know what to do about it. Whatever decision I make is going to do one of two things: make me miserable, or help me move on to a better me.

 

In most cases, I am able to deal with certain things the way I want to--most commonly, that means removing a toxic person from my life. Recently, I've grown a lot and as a result, I outgrew friends that I've had for as long as sixteen and a half years. It's one of those friends that I speak of now, under fear of repercussion should she ever find this. (Yes, I know I could have posted this anonymously, but I'm tired of being afraid.) I've known her since I first started roleplaying and we have a long, complicated history. There is friction between us, and I know that it's not conducive to growing a board.

 

And therein lies the problem. I've lost all desire to even touch the board, in the wake of how she's begun to treat me. Short, snippy remarks, coupled with constantly being a negative Nancy. Any mutual friends we have dismiss it as the admin in question "having a rough time," and those same people have often sided with her. I've begun to feel unwelcome. My characters? Their stories have been twisted and taken in directions I don't want them to go. Things have happened to my characters that I did not approve of. Metagaming is ripe, and the lore is extremely strict--at least, for some of us. 

 

When I brought the game up, it was out of a need to escape from some heavily toxic places. Places where this original character that I'd been developing for nearly seventeen years had made their mark on me. It was even better that a long time, close friend was willing to join me in the endeavor. She volunteered to take care of the forums and lore while I did the work behind the scenes. I thought to myself that this would an amazing experience where both of us could be as free as we wanted to be. Little did I know how wrong I was.

 

Earlier I mentioned being afraid, and it's because I know that by posting this, that friend could very well rip her lore right out of my game. I could ultimately close the site then and be done with it. I could move on from what has become a horrid experience. And so I've pushed it back on my focus. I mostly let her and her crew do what they want to do, while I started work on a new forum, one where I wasn't owner in name only. 

 

I'm tired of my characters (and my friends) being run off or uninterested in my game because of the atmosphere it has. It's not positive. And the worst part is, I can't even use it as the escape it was intended to be. My OC of so many years remains locked up and imprisoned in a magical place where someone of her caliber couldn't possibly get free after having her memory eaten by my co-admin's NPC god.  She's forgotten everything she loves (the reasons I loved playing her) and has become a shell of the woman she was, and I am given no way out.

 

So I suppose my question is this: Should I just bid my adieus and say goodbye to these friends, like I did my others? I know it'll leave a sour taste in many of their mouths, but I am miserable. I've lost my love for writing and I have to sneak behind their backs to actually enjoy myself. It's gotten to the point where I dread writing my replies or working on the site, because no matter what I'm doing it's wrong. 

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but I am miserable. I've lost my love for writing and I have to sneak behind their backs to actually enjoy myself. It's gotten to the point where I dread writing my replies or working on the site, because no matter what I'm doing it's wrong. 

 

Everything you've said is complicated. 

Life invariably is. 

 

But just look at the above, read it. Then read it again. Would it really be better to remain somewhere that provokes this kind of emotion whenever you are there. Honestly, it might well be time to rip off the band aid and just remember how to breathe... to just get back to the point where instead of dread, there is excitement, instead of misery you are happy to bounce on in. This is fundamentally a hobby, game and a chance to enjoy yourself. 

 

Would you continue to play a game that left you this frustrated? Should anyone expect you to do that?

 

Just a couple of things to think about. 

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This makes me very sad. Though starting new seems hard but maybe it will reset a lot for you're muse. 

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This hit home with me. One of the main reasons was because of something like this. I have since parted ways (still wish them well) with friends that in the end were toxic to me. I'd been on sites with them but they were both (there are 2 of them) killing any feelings I had towards writing. We had even been staff together in a few places. It wasn't easy going my own way, but it was just the thing that I needed to do. Since leaving them behind, I have a great site with great friends that I found my love of the game once more. I considered both these people "best" friends but it wasn't that way. It hurt my heart to move on, but it was the best thing that I did for me. I would say move on. You say you're building something new, then stay with that. Find your love (and take your characters with you, including the one you had for so long) again that way. It will be bittersweet, it was for me anyway. When you do go, leave it in the past. Wish them well but stay away and don't invite them along. Find new folks. I hope things work out for you.

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I agree with everybody above but especially Renya. You're miserable and you feel like you have to creep behind this person just to have a good time. But you're not having a good time because you're creeping behind somebody's back. I think you just have to rip the bandaid off. It's going to hurt and it's going to suck to start over but once it's over, you're going to be a lot less miserable. 

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Reality is an illusion. 


 
 

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Everyone makes good points here. 

 

My philosophy is this: RPing is supposed to be an escape and a fun and creative social outlet. When it stops being those things, it is time to move on. Ripping the band-aid off hurts, but once done, it's like a TV exorcism - the entire RP atmosphere feels lighter!

 

My 2nd philosophy: Life is too short to be miserable.

 

This all comes from the point of view of an RPG grandma - 😍

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Someone somewhere went to sleep and dreamed us all alive.
Dreams get pushed around a lot, and I doubt if we'll survive.
We won't get to wake up, dreams were born to disappear.
And I'm pretty sure that none of us are here.
~ None of Us Here by Jim Stafford ~

 

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What did your Frenemy respond with when you told them you're feeling shafted on the site that you helped create? 

 

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  • 4 weeks later...

RL always > RP. If this friendship is making you miserable, and it certainly sounds that way, you shouldn't remain in it just because of RP. The site is always less important than your well-being.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I really don't get why you saying "hey, I've lost my inpiration for the site and I'm moving on" would be such a big deal. I'm sure they have known for a while, now. This woman and these people have been fading out and diverging out of your life for a long time now

 

You go do you.

 

If they want to make a big deal out of it, that's fine, they can expend that emotional energy being unhappy while you continue on your own path being happy. You can choose not to let it affect you - life's happier that way.

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Thank you everyone for your answers! The issue resolved itself: the friend and I have agreed to close the site in the near future, and I found a non-confrontational way to assuage my issues. ^_^

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