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Anonymous

How to explain consent

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So this is a hard one for me, because it's a very personal problem, and I don't know how to approach this.

 

In short, I have a player that does not seem to fully comprehend the concept of sexual consent. They... this one character has more or less crossed this line three times, twice fully. Now, I haven't said anything because I don't know how to. Because this is a very personal issue and I need to address this the right way.

 

So, here I am, please help me. How the fuck do I do this without having a complete and utter meltdown because someone else has already tried to explain this to them (I love my players), and they kind of flipped their lid. I want to word this very well so that with any luck, it will minimise problems. Or at least not drag things that don't need to be into it. I'm honestly just at a total loss for words.

Anonymous poster hash: 5a3ff...28e

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I'm a bit of a smartass--if someone doesn't seem to get something I tell them, I am not above posting the actual definition along with a snippet of the infraction that it directly relates to. A copy/paste does the trick. Since it's a topic that's already been broached  before, I would honestly consider at this point chocking it up to what I like to call willful ignorance. 

 

Growing up, my Dad used to tell us that accidents and mistakes are only that the first time it happens. After that, you're responsible.  Our second infraction was almost always our last. If we repeated the thing we did wrong a third time? That was it. At this point, if you haven't already, I would probably give them an official warning. If you've already done this too, you may have to consider a more stern approach, such as calling it exactly what it is.

 

Sometimes, we simply cannot candy coat things. Even for the sake of damage control.

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Tell them that you don't like what they're doing and they need to stop if they're to remain on your site. Don't try to fluff it up or leave any room for ambiguity. "This stops or you leave." If you're comfortable reviewing what they've written, point out the areas where they crossed the line so they have a better frame of reference for where the line is and where they need to stop. If you're nice, anyway, because if I was in your shoes, I'd just tell them that they're creeping me out and are therefore banned from my site, don't let the door hit you where the good Lord split you. 

 

This person knows better than to be graphically describing non-con all over the place. I can't imagine that it could possibly be justified to have it present so often in their character's threads even if it was mentioned/implied. And just the fact that they flipped on this other player would have had me giving them a stern warning about what's expected from them if they want to stay on my site. I'd bet cash that they're well aware that they're disturbing people and are taking advantage of you not stopping them to just further freak people out. And that means they need to go. 

 

So in short, I would not tell them anything other than they're being booted. Maybe word it something like, "You are being removed from [site name] as staff finds your repeated graphic descriptions of sexual assault far outside the boundaries of the behavior we accept onsite." Ban them from the site via IP and email address, remove them from the Discord server, block them on Discord, and move on secure in the knowledge that you - and your players - are much more the better for it. 

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Agree with what others have said. Consent in RP is hugely important, just as important as if you were interacting with coworkers, or anyone else in real life. Since RP is collaborative, a certain level of respect should be given to your fellow writer. Whether it's sexual or anything, consent is important.

 

In my experience, people that flip their lid know what they're doing is wrong. Someone who doesn't realise they are being a dick will probably be shocked and appalled at their own actions, and at least apologise. I know if someone told me I made them uncomfortable I'd be horrified I made them feel that way, and the last thing I'd do was go nuts.

 

Someone who flips out anticipates conflict because they know what they're doing. Try to explain it calmly again, let them know there's no ifs or buts and they cannot behave this way. And if they flip out again, then you know they aren't willing to accept change. Either way the problem will be sorted.

 

Wish you the best of luck.

Edited by Honorem
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Give a stern warning and reiterate your rules about consent and portrayals of sexual violence - if you want to keep the player. If not, give them a stern final warning. If they flip out over being warned about consent, especially consensual sex (even if it's in-character), you need them gone. Do not sugar-coat it because it sounds to me like they use the flip their sh!t thing as a way to get their own way.

 

Personally, I'd send them packing.

 

PS: My view might change slightly if their writing partner(s) are agreeing to these scenarios. In which case, they all need to be reminded of the rules. Whoever is on the other end of the keyboard controls how they write and who they write with. 😉 

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Someone somewhere went to sleep and dreamed us all alive.
Dreams get pushed around a lot, and I doubt if we'll survive.
We won't get to wake up, dreams were born to disappear.
And I'm pretty sure that none of us are here.
~ None of Us Here by Jim Stafford ~

 

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Well, as I was reading this, I realized I had a lot of experience in these kinds of situations. 

On my site, we have a saying. "Treat our players, how they need to be treated" which is a play on the golden rule. The reason why we have this play on it, is because everyone is different, and not everyone responds well to how you like to be treated. It's really important for the leadership of a site to be able to pull themselves out of bad situations. So being able to deal with players is a necessary skill. 

That said, before I feel I could make a decision, I would need to see what "flipping their lid" is. If they were as destructive as I think they were, I would have just gotten rid of them. Not worth the trouble, but that's only after I tried to deal with them, and I'd like to think I've got a way with people which makes me pretty good at dealing with just such a problem. 

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On 2/15/2020 at 3:23 AM, Anonymous said:

So this is a hard one for me, because it's a very personal problem, and I don't know how to approach this.

 

In short, I have a player that does not seem to fully comprehend the concept of sexual consent. They... this one character has more or less crossed this line three times, twice fully. Now, I haven't said anything because I don't know how to. Because this is a very personal issue and I need to address this the right way.

 

So, here I am, please help me. How the fuck do I do this without having a complete and utter meltdown because someone else has already tried to explain this to them (I love my players), and they kind of flipped their lid. I want to word this very well so that with any luck, it will minimise problems. Or at least not drag things that don't need to be into it. I'm honestly just at a total loss for words.

Anonymous poster hash: 5a3ff...28e

 

I take no prisoners, and am also sarcastic. This makes it fun to deal with issues. 

 

For me this comes down to two things; communication and rules. This is your site, or at least you're a staffer on it and either way you are there to make sure you and your players are getting the most positive experience from your community. You have rules to try to direct the community and even if there's nothing specific about conduct you can still enforce things should they become an issue. If a member had a tantrum because you're had to enforce a rule or tell them they behave inappropriately then get rid. You do not need to put up with toxic behaviour, and your community will be better off without the member. I would give them one warning and one chance to behave themselves. If they fail to do what you ask, then you can enforce your banning policies. Some have 3 month bans, some have 6 months bans, some have lifetime bans. Never feel ashamed to ban a member for being an asshole. You don't need an asshole on your board.

 

Send them a private message and be firm. Something along the lines of:

"Hey, we need to have a chat about your recent posts with X character. We ask our members to respect the acceptable level of sexual content written on the board that has to both comply with the Terms of the host, and the comfort level of our members. You have been told that some members are not comfortable with your X character's content level. We are asking you to tone this down/always ask of the limits for each member before writing sexual content (as not every member wishes to write certain content) in future. If you are unsure if your content is acceptable to a specific member ask them before hand. Do not just write explicit sexual content that they have not prior approved rating wise (fade to black- to- explicit). If you fail to ask members and continue to write content that violates our sexual content rules, we will be forced to take further measures. "

 

Something along those lines....They need to know issues exist, why they exist, with limited name throwing of who said complaints and that you take it seriously. If they throw a tantrum you can block them from the chat, block them from the site, ban them and say fuck you goodbye and archive their characters. Do whatever level of banning wrath suits you, but don't put up with things that upset members. That's not cool. 

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