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How to handle a partner going silent?


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I'm fortunate not to have experienced this often in my roleplaying career, but now it seems to be happening with somebody who has a character that is deeply intertwined with mine. They haven't taken an official LoA but they haven't been active in months either, and my admittedly roundabout way of asking (because who likes confrontation? not me) where things were with our characters was met with a polite non-answer. Now I don't know whether to ask again so soon - perhaps more directly -, have my character ignore/barely acknowledge the situation and freeze shared plots and happenings, or one-sidedly move forward with plots and happenings and eventually retcon things later if Partner comes back. Which of these options is the least bad/offensive? Or is there a fourth option I'm not seeing?

 

Bonus question: an entirely unrelated person has expressed an interest in taking Partner's character if they poof for good. From an egoistical, 'I want what's best for my character' point-of-view I would not be opposed to it. Is this something I should approach Partner about - and if so, how best to?

 

 

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If it were me and there has been no response back then I would message once more and set a date. I would be honest about everything and lay out how I felt because of it. It's not really confrontational if you're saying how you feel and want clarification. If they haven't responded by that date that's set then I would chalk it up to being ghosted and move on. Write yourself out of things and perhaps pursue things with this possible future partner. I would also explain to them (honestly) what you have in mind. It sucks to be ghosted and I've had it happen a few times. I just write my character around it and move on. I wouldn't give new person the character unless it was a wanted that you had posted. If the character was the OP's creation, new person should write one of their own or use one of their own. Either way you know you did everything that you could before you moved on and maybe that's just better for you in the long run. This is just what I would do if it were me (and what I did when it was me.)

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Thank you for your input! Partner's character was a wanted I had posted, yes, albeit with traits and plot hooks/opportunities that allow for development completely independent of their relation to my character. The character hasn't had significant development since being picked up.

 

I left it out on purpose but we are playing on a forum, so there is also the 'formal' process of Partner's accounts being moved to inactive, then there being a grace period before the accounts are eventually deleted. Activity rules being rather relaxed (which I like and prefer 99% of the time) and knowing that real life is currently very tough for the admin is what has kept me from conferring with staff on this matter, as it's an unimportant one in the grand scheme of things and they've got a lot on their plate, but maybe I ought to regardless.

 

Your suggestion about messaging and setting a date is very helpful, thank you! More than a deadline I see it as a timeline for moving forward and allowing myself to stop waiting for something that may never come.

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As an Admin myself, with this I would make the time to look things over. There's a lot to do but staff can be helpful and make time for their members with regards to things like this. It will also help you with setting a date to move on. I would also let staff know that there's someone else interested so they can free up what needs to be done after your chosen date. I wish you best of luck in anything you choose here on out. Sometimes though we have to think of ourselves first even in writing. All the best.

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  • 2 weeks later...

If it's a character / want I put up myself, I try to clear up those situations in the beginning and set agreed upon outcomes (like, if you're inactive for x amount of time I can take the character back or let someone else play the role). But when it's someone elses character from the start, it's totally different. Reaching out to them sounds like a good idea and being clear about what you'd like to do if they're not available to play is a good start. 

 

I have found myself creating some sudden, crazy event in the roleplay so that my character can excuse themself from the interaction (ie another character barging into the room or area with sudden news), then depending on the plot, finding someone else to interact with to finish out the plot in a new way. I like to keep things spontaneous. 

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To be clear, is to be kind.

 

I would message them again, and ask directly what you want to know, say, if they are just busy rn, or if they've lost interest, muse, whatever. Maybe it's not clicking for them, and then need to be kind and be clear, too.  Or maybe they are having a personal issue. This way no one is left wonder wtf is going on.

 

If they once again give non-answers, which is harder to do with direct questions,  you'll have decide what you want to do. Wait for them, some partners are definitely worth the waiting, or move on. Let them know you're going to reopen your want ad and move forward with your plots.

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I suffer from some mental illness related problems myself from time to time so I admittedly have been on both ends of this in the past. When it happens to me, I try to be sensitive. I'll do wellness checks every week, every other week, just to check in. If I never hear back, it bothers me, but I try not to take it personally. I am blessed to have a good few friends that I can fall back on when needed, so the sting is never unbearable.

That said, I don't think it's worth getting worked up over. People leave unexpectedly for all sorts of reasons and you may never know why. The fact is, you never know what someone else is going through. Even if they tell you, you don't know what that experience was for them. Some people, get so hung up on the idea of letting someone down  they lose all nerve to do or say anything. Others may have health concerns or serious family goings on that need attention. Sometimes that's just the way it goes.

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  • 2 weeks later...

For me it depends on the length of the writing partnership.  If its someone I know and have written with over a long period of time ( not always as partners ) I give them leeway. I merely write around that and still have stories but I do not end it with them unless they have specifically said they wont be able to return to that character.  Communication is key.

 

But I have had people that expressed interest in partnering and left me without words. After three months I send them one more message - I do not give anyone the character I merely open up mine for other engagments

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  • 2 months later...

I think honest communication is the key thing with situations like this. Set a date by which you expect some kind of response about what to do on both sides, and stick to that boundary. If they've really ghosted, write yourself out. If they have something going on that's hindering writing, decide if it's something you're willing to be patient on or if your plots absolutely need to move forward. At the end of the day, we all write for fun, and a check-in from a writing partner can go such a long way.

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  • 4 weeks later...
On 3/1/2021 at 5:43 PM, Rem said:

I think honest communication is the key thing with situations like this. Set a date by which you expect some kind of response about what to do on both sides, and stick to that boundary. If they've really ghosted, write yourself out. If they have something going on that's hindering writing, decide if it's something you're willing to be patient on or if your plots absolutely need to move forward. At the end of the day, we all write for fun, and a check-in from a writing partner can go such a long way.

Agreed! I've unintentionally gone ghost after a traumatic event and came back, talked to the person and apologized about what happened, but they still walked away (they had taken an ad of mine) which was completely reasonable and okay. I was definitely sad that they did since I got along super well with them but they were in their right to! Writing should never feel like a chore for either party and I hope that person found a better opportunity after that situation. 

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  • 3 weeks later...

I know this advice is coming a bit late, but I always tend to feel that direct is best in these kinds of situations. So I agree and advocate for communication as other have before. I am currently on a site where my character's spouse is currently being played by Player 1 but was originally a wanted for Player 2. Player 2 no longer roleplays on the site, but Player 1 has continued to play the character, and now that this character is intertwined with mine and there are some pretty intricate plots they're involved with, Player 2 has gone silent.

 

In my situation, I would not be able to rehome Player 2's character as my character's spouse if Player 2 disappears because the character originally belonged to Player 1 who is gone. Were it the case that Player 2 disappeared and the character belonged to them, I would also not be able to rehome the character as it is not an OC of mine.

 

I suspect you're in the camp of having the ownership of the character currently being played by your partner -- in which case, if they are starting to fade, I would suggest directness in the sense of letting them know you're really craving more activity with the pair of characters together. If that does not occur and the player vanishes, if your Partner's playing a character that belongs to you, you should feel no shame about having someone else pick them up.

 

If, however, your partner's character belongs to your partner, I suggest creating an OC wanted that belongs to you and then allowing your new partner to pick up the wanted. 

 

From my experience, there's no reason for a plot to lose its way based on whether or not a character's player is very active or not, it just requires a bit more creativity and upkeep to keep track of imo.

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  • 1 month later...

Very late to the party: I sympathize with your situation, but I'm also very glad that this doesn't seem to be a regular occurrence for you.

 

I guess I'm of a kind of unpopular opinion that while yes, rp should be a stress-free hobby, that doesn't mean it's obligation-free. If it were any other hobby — say you and your friends play beach volleyball together — this kind of behavior wouldn't fly. If one friend suddenly stopped showing up for months, what would naturally happen is they would get replaced and you'd all move on. They're welcome back if they want, but they have to understand that the world does move on around them when they're not paying attention to it.

 

I won't repeat what was said above because it's very good advice, but to anyone else dealing with this kind of situation: stop putting your enjoyment behind everyone else's, it's your hobby too.

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I think I offer a bit of a unique perspective to this, as I have been the one to do the disappearing act. In the past, when I was RPing with people who just weren't good for my mental health, I would often just disappear from the RP world for weeks on end. I would have, in no way, faulted the partners I was writing with at the time for moving forward with their plots and/or ignoring my character's existence until/if I came back into the game.

 

Really, it's hard to be in your shoes. You're sitting there and wondering what the hell can you do, how can do you it? Should you be supportive and understanding? Should you just move on?! ANXIETY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

The simplest advice I can give you is to listen to yourself. If you want to move on with your character, then do it. If you want to press pause and wait for this Partner to get their stuff together, then do that.

 

But if you want to maybe drop them a message about it, I'd say something like this. 

 

Greeting Of Your Choice,

 

I just want to start this off by apologizing if how I asked you about this before offended you. That has never been my attention. I understand that the real world takes precedence over the RP world and I want you to do what's best for you as an individual. Especially one that I like! I was, however, wondering if there was a time that you might feel comfortable saying that you'll be able to return to our plots. If not, that's totally okay. I just need to be able to plan accordingly for the time that you're going to be away. ❤️

 

Salutation Of Your Choice,
Your Name

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On 5/18/2021 at 7:40 AM, jessieberu said:

The simplest advice I can give you is to listen to yourself. If you want to move on with your character, then do it. If you want to press pause and wait for this Partner to get their stuff together, then do that.

 

This all the way. Yeah, it's nice to wait around for people to get their stuff together but there comes a time where you've gotta ask yourself if it's spoiling the fun for you or if you want to do something more. If you do, do it, if they come back you can always make room for them again if you want to (and you shouldn't feel obligated to).

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  • 2 weeks later...

In my opinion, the reality of the situation here is: what are you comfortable with? If you want to check in on them and see how they're doing, then do it, but be prepared for them to tell you that they're not interested or struggling or what have you. Beyond that, whether or not you freeze plots or move on is also up to you, as unhelpful as that might sound. You really need to do what is best for you and your enjoyment.

 

For me, if someone hasn't taken an official LoA, doesn't respond to messages I've sent, and doesn't respond on site then I give them a bit of time (because RL can suck) before I just say 'fuck it' and move on with the plots. I'm not going to freeze characters and plots indefinitely for someone who might not come back. If they do come back, I'll happily work them back in, but I'm on roleplaying sites to roleplay, that's the bottom line.

 

Bonus Question:
The answer to this, for me, depends on if the character is ultimately yours (from a wanted advertisement or other request) or written by your partner. If it's the latter, absolutely no! It is perfectly acceptable to replace the role (e.g. X's brother or Y's husband) but having them take on the exact same character is absolutely unacceptable in my opinion.

If the character is one you requested, by all means go for it, but do reach out to the person and at least open dialogue about it. If they don't respond, that's not on you.

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