Membership Interest vs Commitment

[Anonymous 234]

So I have come across this a few times in my roleplaying time and recently it came up again and I'm looking to get advise on how you would deal with it.

 

So someone has a character that your on a site with and you put up a wanted ad or two. That person becomes interested in one of your new wanted ads and they tell you. "It looks interesting, what are you looking for?" etc. You give them the details and they choose to deny moving forward with it. Not that there is "possibly" hope. Straight up, there is no hope.

 

That's fine right?

 

So you continue to try to get the advertisement filled and a new person comes along and expresses interest in the same wanted ad in which you or they reach out and start to talk about the role and how you're looking to get it filled. In fact you go so far as to start planning things with them, deciding on mutual history points etc.

 

Well Person 1 comes back to you after they see Person 2 has expressed interest in the same ad that they had expressed interest in and subsequently denied. Person 1 says "well I thought I was filling that role for you". Of course you explain that the person hadn't committed to it and the new person has already committed to it and that you were plotting for it already.

 

To me that should have been the end of it. Of course it wasn't the end, never is.

 

Person 1 gets offended taking back anything that they said before, of course they were interested. I have felt that Person 1 is looking to get you to take the character away from Person 2 even though Person 2 already started to develop it. Finally they go about saying "well it's fine, I didn't start anything on the character anyways. At least you told me before I did" which sounds perfectly amicable and this is where it ends right?

 

Nope!

 

Next up, you complete your complimentary character to Person 2's character that you've been working on with them since they committed to the role and Person 1 comes back (because Person 2 is still working on putting together their profile). Person 1 noticed you created the character that you had originally explained you wanted to pair with this character, they want to know if Person 2 was still making the character.

 

Of course you advise them that the other Person 2 is still making the character. Instead of it being left at that, because you've been clear that Person 2 committed to the character, they were developing it with you, you made plans, Person 1 makes a snide comment about how "they asked about it first" like a comment like that would make you suddenly change your mind and magically give them the character.

 

 

 

Overall I feel it's flattering that Person 1 is so adamant about wanting to play with me but I feel that they are a child with "that's mine" toy syndrome. Where, when someone else is playing with the toy they now think that is the best toy in the world even if they haven't played with it since it was put in the toy box. I also feel it's a little rude and disrespectful. Not only to the player that did actually commit to the role but to me. It feels like they are pouting and trying to manipulate me into giving them what they want. I'm dead serious that my children perform the same tactics however they have the pouty boo boo lip down, problem for anyone else in the world, the pouty boo boo lip is an automatic "hell no" in my house.

 

 

Now that I've described the scenario, and I know I'm not the only one that has been in this situation (as I've had it happen multiple times to me) lets ask some questions:

1. Am I correct to assume that the character is still available, that Person 1 isn't intent on making the character when they said no thanks and never provided information to the contrary before Person 2 shows up?
2. Should I have told Person 2 that someone else was interested and now they wanted it for sure after actually discussing things with them and plotting? Should the "I saw it first!" or "Dibs" scenario take precedent?
3. How would you go about explaining to Person 1 that you are offended by their behavior without making them upset and make them no longer want to play with you?
4. How have you handled something like this?

Anonymous poster hash: dafd2...0c5

[VirusZero 176]

1- If someone said "no thanks" then that's a pretty clear indication that they're not interested. So why they thought they had any kind of claim there is beyond me.

 

2- No. Person 1 gave up any sort of claim when they said no thanks. Therefore nothing is owed to them, any claims they would have had are relinquished and it's entirely open for person 2 to take that ad. If person 1 had said "Hey that's a cool idea, give me a day or two to work on the app" then yeah I'd think it'd be fair to tell person 2 that someone else is interested. Just so they know it may be filled up and so not to waste their time.

 

3- Honestly I probably wouldn't bother trying to avoid upsetting them. They've pulled a very childish move by saying they weren't interested and then trying to force someone else away when they showed interest.  I probably wouldn't want to write with them after that if that's the kind of crap they pull. Fact is I expect people I write with to behave like adults... not be petty, waspish and conceited.

 

4- I'd have told person 1 that they had their chance to write the character at first, they said no thanks so any sort of claims they might of thought they had were let go. If they had actually wanted to then they should have said so at first. And additionally trying to force someone to give up writing that character now, after they've started, is a pretty big dick move to pull and that they really should be ashamed of themselves that they did it.

Now, depending on whether I have admin status or not, I'd also consider warning them for bad behaviour too. I mean what they did was try to manipulate people (force me to refuse another player because of them) and in essence create some drama on site. I probably wouldn't ban them over this alone... but if they threw a fit or something then yeah, I'd ban them then. (I mean really, if someone says "Hey, don't pull stunts like that" and their response is to whine and cry and get angry? Goodbye. Just shows they weren't mature enough to be a part of the site.)

[Hysteria 56]

6 hours ago, Anonymous said:

Am I correct to assume that the character is still available, that Person 1 isn't intent on making the character when they said no thanks and never provided information to the contrary before Person 2 shows up?

 

 

This question isn't much of a question, is it? Of course, you're correct to move along when someone blatantly says "nah" to your wanted ad. This is like asking if you were right to not give your -insert family/friend here- food after they specifically told you they weren't hungry.

 

It makes no sense to go out of your way like that.

 

7 hours ago, Anonymous said:

Should I have told Person 2 that someone else was interested and now they wanted it for sure after actually discussing things with them and plotting? Should the "I saw it first!" or "Dibs" scenario take precedent?

 

 

I think that out of courtesy, letting Person 2 know that someone was looking at the wanted ad BUT that said someone turned it down, might have been helpful information. Not just because it would have been sincere, but in this case, it would have "protected" Person 2 from Person 1's attitude should they suddenly turn it onto someone else.

 

I'm a usual believer of Dibs when it comes to roleplay, face claims, wanteds and so on. However, I also think that as roleplayers we have choices and commitments to make, and if we throw those two things away - it's not roleplay anymore. It becomes a chore. So, in this specific situation, no I don't think the Dibs-rule applies.

 

Especially since Person 1 gave up they're dibs rights the moment they said they were no longer interested.

It's common logic that every person is taught by the age of five, come on.

 

7 hours ago, Anonymous said:

How would you go about explaining to Person 1 that you are offended by their behavior without making them upset and make them no longer want to play with you?

 

 

If I valued a roleplayer that much, I'd probably say something along the lines of...

 

I'm sorry you seem so bothered by the situation, but you passed up the character when we spoke so that also means your rights to the wanted were revoked in that same instance. You had a choice to have them, and now that choice was passed on to someone else. There's still a lot of opportunities for us to write though - and I'd still very much enjoy writing with you. Perhaps in the future if you take a wanted ad - mine or another's - you should be more specific with your desires, and put forth the effort to speak them aloud to me.

 

That's my nice way of talking. Essentially I pretty much just told them to start thinking and responding like an adult - and I don't think I'd have sugar coated it any more than I already had. If I value someone, I'm honest with them, and brutally so. If I just want them around for their writing ability...I wouldn't waste my time.

 

There is a lot of writers who would have ten times the maturity that Person 1 exhibited.

 

 

7 hours ago, Anonymous said:

How have you handled something like this?

 

 

I only ever encountered this problem once, and I handled it quickly: I told the person that the wanted was now taken and that they could find another wanted or plot with me in another way. Genuine, honest, and true. I think that route, while brutal for the faint of heart, is much more respectable than trying to dance around and figure out a way to essentially not make someone angry.

 

I understand the desire to avoid conflict and keep people happy - but sometimes it's better to just stop caring, and start looking out for the writers who are willing to go the extra mile for you. I've had so much more fun using that option than doing ballet with a child.

[Dusty 55]

I'm in agreement with both of the contributors to this thread so far. You can't let the 'tail wag the dog' so to speak. 

 

I'f I'd had a record of them saying no thanks, I wouldn't possibly have pasted it back to them, clearly stating that I'd taken this as a definite decline of the role.

 

Changing their mind is okay as long as the role is still available, which in this case it was not and they haven't done this back-flipping before. 

How much time passed between Person 1 saying no thanks and Person 2 taking on the character? If it has been a few weeks then player one definitely has no claim. Usually I try to have a "This ad has been filled" notice on the ad as soon as it's been officially taken. Or take the ad and put it into the archives. It can always be moved back if the player taking it flakes (which has happened.)

 

Passive aggressive behaviour like that isn't something I desire in a writing partner and if they behave this way over the want ad, what else will they behave in this way about? Are they worth appeasing in the first place? 

Sometimes it's better to rip the band-aid straight off and get the short burst of pain over with, rather than unwittingly set a precedent where they think they can behave in this manner to get things/ decision overturned that they don't like.

[Icewolf 258]

I once had someone offer to fill a role I wanted, (a ship, I might add) but their character wasn't the one I wanted as there was a massive age difference between the characters. I decided instead to make another character for them. They never said specifically that their offer was withdrawn and came up with the excuse - 'I don't like female/male ships when I play the male' route. If that was the case, I don't understand why they made the offer in the first place. (Incidentally, a while later with that character I saw it complain saying 'no woman wants them', or something along those lines

 

They agreed for one of their characters to adopt one of mine as their child, which all went well, until their original shipping partner left and their replies to me became less and less. This summer, I went on to a site they and a friend were running - they promised to rp with me, BUT it soon became clear to me that they were only interested in what they wanted to do. If there was a potential ship where my character is the male and theirs the female, they'd happily reply. If I wanted to write a story-line where I developed one of my characters in a non-ship capacity, they'd either drop it or ignore it. (They'd say they didn't get the message, but how often can that excuse be used before it becomes just  an excuse?) I waited for two months on the site she and her friend made for a response to a starter - I ended up deleting all my accounts on it because I got nothing from her and no new people were signing up for the fandom.

 

A solid commitment is important because a writer knows they aren't wasting their time waiting for someone to role-play with them. They need to know because when people are flaky, it makes you feel like you're a bad writer. I prefer honesty over half-baked promises.

[CovertSphinx 710]

Person 1 gave up any claims the moment they said "no thanks". Don't feel guilty about sticking to your guns.

 

I would at least give Person 2 a run-down of the fact that Person 1 expressed interest, then declined before Person 2 made the commitment to claim the spot. Just so that Person 1 can't run to Person 2 and try intimidating them with: "Oh well I was going to do it first but then Middle Person gave it to you instead" and try to guilt them into backing down.

 

Also, I'm much less nice than the other replyers, my response would have been:

"You blatantly passed up the opportunity. I'd appreciate it if you would stop passive-aggressively placing a wedge in the works. You lost out, and I'm not particularly interested in listening to you whine about your own choice."

If they rage-quit the site? Fine. I'm too old to be RPing with manipulative children anyway lol

Edited November 23, 2016 by CovertSphinx

[Guest Archaic Cyborg]

This would be a classic case of basic 'I want what you have, only because you have it!' mentality. 

 

Person 1 isn't interested at all... Until they see what fun and interesting story-lines and character development that you have established with Person 2. Person 1 feels excluded, which is stupid, because they didn't want to commit to your ad. Chances are that if you hand over the reins, Person 1 might flake, lose interest, rely on you to do the work (as you already have plots, from Person 2, no further input required!)

 

Stick with your invested partner.