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Reverse Bullying


Morrigan
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This is similar to crybully behaviour (those who pretend to be the victim while they are in fact dishing it out).  The main difference being crybullies are actively harassing and causing direct problems where, in this case, it seems like the problem is arising because the person is just trying to play victim all the time and using that aspect to cause problems. (What I mean is a crybully will engage in namecalling, insults and whatnot but then claim to be the victim of it all.)

 

Let me get this right out of the way... I'm tired of people playing victim. I'm tired of this victimhood culture. I'm tired of people acting like their feelings are sacred and have to be regarded above all else. I'm tired of "social justice". So fuck your feelings. They're no more important than anyone else's and if that bothers you then you can go pound sand.

 

Someone says they're being bullied?

If they are then there is evidence and there'll be proof so action can be taken. But I refuse to actually do anything unless I can see proof. Show me where it's happening and/or what's being said. (A screenshot, a log of the chat, a forwarded email/PM, something) But never tell me and expect me to just take action because you said so. I've seen it happen way too much that people just act because someone said to and an innocent person gets blindsided and screwed over. ("Trust but verify" not "listen and believe".)

 

Someone says they feel bullied?

I have a harder time here because they can feel anything they want. They could misinterpret a dozen things. I've seen this happen an absolutely stupid number of times in roleplay. People get caught up in hidden meanings and interpreting things. (EX- A person might think "someone logged out when I got on... I must have pissed them off." When in fact they just had to go to work and it had nothing to do with them at all.) They read in things that just aren't there. (Which, of course, leads to people getting upset and festering over it.) People attribute these slights to others when in fact it's just them seeing things that aren't there.

Which means if they feel like they're a victim then it's because of their own thoughts and it has nothing to do with anyone else. Which leads to another issue... (One that I feel could solve most problems in roleplay.)

 

Just communicate.

Be upfront with people. If you need something just ask. Don't expect them to read your mind. Don't expect them to catch subtle clues or anything like that. Because no matter how obvious you think they are... they aren't obvious to anyone (except you). Plus by expecting others to catch your clues it sets you up for issues when they inevitably don't get get the clues and also results in them having to second guess everything for everyone. So don't engage in this absurd game of hidden meanings (you'll lose every time).

 

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"There are three sides to every story... Your side, their side, and then somewhere in the middle is the truth."
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1 hour ago, VirusZero said:

Someone says they're being bullied?

If they are then there is evidence and there'll be proof so action can be taken. But I refuse to actually do anything unless I can see proof. Show me where it's happening and/or what's being said. (A screenshot, a log of the chat, a forwarded email/PM, something) But never tell me and expect me to just take action because you said so. I've seen it happen way too much that people just act because someone said to and an innocent person gets blindsided and screwed over. ("Trust but verify" not "listen and believe".)

 

 

This is 300% my opinion after running the Hunger Games site.  I got so tired of everyone coming up to me with "Billy said I could win the fight but then he stabbed my character in the face!" without actually having any proof of it. So I required all members to have such conversations via PM so that I could go through the PM record and verify them.  I also encouraged people to take screenshots of conversations if it was on Skype or in the cbox or I wouldn't guarantee to honor whatever agreement they had come to.  Pain in the ass, but saved so much confusion.

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IMO bullying implies a repeated pattern of harassment, and harassment is something that can be seen fairly easily. That is a line that if any of my members cross, they'll be dealt with. Either you stop or you leave, and it really is that simple. Bullying to me doesn't mean just disagreeing with someone, having opinions that are different from theirs, etc. The place where I see this accusation get thrown around the most is in Discord chat (usually to me or a mod via PM about something that went on in the group chat). We've put it in the rules clearly at this point that not everyone has the same background, socially, politically, culturally, etc and that there will be disagreements in opinion or differences in tone to account for. 90% of the complaints we've had have ended up being misunderstandings or disagreements, sometimes it's literally a matter of someone using an expression that meant something different in the other person's neck of the woods. We tell people "if you're reading something and you feel like they're trying to be rude, give them the benefit of the doubt and assume that's not the case." 

 

We've had one instance where someone was constantly feeling as though people were against them, or trying to incite certain reactions from them. I knew from having spoken to those people that was not the case, nor their intent. At some point, there are only so many times you can mediate that argument. You can't teach people to "talk" differently just for the sake of one member, and if there is only one person who seems to be having an issue with it then maybe the site is not for them. 

 

I am part of the LGBTQIA+ community also and I am trans, so it's really important for me that people from the community feel welcome on my site. Some things I'm very firm on, such as respecting pronouns, but I've seen people get harassed and bullied for saying one wrong thing (not on RPs, but on Facebook for example) when they literally had no way of knowing that what they said was wrong. People who aren't LGBT or aren't trans are going to say things that they don't realize are harmful, and that doesn't make them a bully. Using outdated terms doesn't make them a homophobe or a transphobe. Not everyone lives in America, not everyone is aware of these issues, not everyone speaks English as their first language. Also, people just make mistakes sometimes.

 

The fact of the matter is most people don't want to harm others, so to assume that's the case is just unrealistic. Most harm is done accidentally and that needs to be taken into account.

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I've been the victim of this myself recently. It's really frustrating because it takes advantage of my kindness and leaves me scrambling back and forth trying every little thing to try and work things out without actually throwing my weight around and that's a personal hell for me. I could try being assertive, but then I'm the bad one. I could try leaving them alone, but then I'm cold! You can't win. However, at the end of the day I have a breaking point and I start making choices to remove myself from people who are proving very harmful to me. If walking away isn't enough like if I'm somehow obligated to work with them somehow, I'll go straight to their superior and explain how I feel.

 

The funny thing is, last time this happened my breaking point was when I myself got accused of bullying for sticking up for myself. Funny how that works. We were discussing something entirely unimportant and they weren't listening, picking fights over small irrelevant details... And then when I shut that conversation down by not-so-subtly derailing it into something less unpleasant and increasingly directly telling them to drop it, I became a bully!

 

I wound up going to both of our bosses and telling him I had requested an end to all further communications between the two of us, since it was just so utterly impossible for us to get along and the arguments were a massive burden upon my ability to enjoy the site. It's unfortunate that it came to that, but it certainly fixed things.

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