Finding a Good Fit

[Anonymous 234]

The site I’m on seems like it should work well. The setting is an exciting place to develop my characters, and the rules work great for how I like to play. I’ve met a couple writers there who I really enjoy as writing partners. I am never lacking in threads, and I haven’t had any significant issues with the other players. It's a great game.

 

But I can’t find my place in the community. I feel like I don’t fit in. I have interests outside of the game that get treated in a condescending way if I try to bring them up in chat, and I don’t get the impression that the other players like me ooc. Sometimes I wonder if all they want me around for is my consistent posting speed. I don’t know what to do. It’s such a good site otherwise. I don’t know if it’s worth it to go through the process of finding a whole new site for this one thing.

 

Where do you draw the line for a site that you really like, but still doesn’t feel like a perfect fit?

Anonymous poster hash: 6cb29...56d

[Elena 546]

The perfect fit doesn't exist. It's that Utopia / Holy Grail everyone is searching to no avail. You found a site you like. Try being more active on it. Try befriending only a few people, even if you are writing with all. Try more plots. Expand. Spend more time talking with them and knowing each other - and you might grow into liking it more. The one person who joins has to adapt to the collective, not the collective to them. And by being very picky instead of being adaptive and willing to compromise (as in meeting halfway, not the negative compromise kind) people miss sites they might have liked if given the chance.

[Deep Sea 326]

It might be worth sticking around if you feel you can reasonably avoid the folks who appear to like you the least. But if you can't, or feel it's too much effort, it's fine to leave. I can make my own damn perfect RP, but I can't, in a million years, change people and make them like me.

[Rune 1,099]

If it helps, generally if I don't like someone ooc, I'm usually not all that excited to post to them and tend to put it off in favor of others. If they're writing with you they probably don't dislike you, just maybe don't get your hobbies.

[Quell 249]

It's possible they like you just fine, they're just not into the same hobbies. I'll be the first to admit that I don't pretend to like something to make people feel welcome. (I think it causes conflict later.) That said, they sound like they like the most important hobby you have in context (roleplay).

 

So I guess I'd say stick it out and fish for similarities you have that aren't the ones you've mentioned. At the end of the day though, a writing forum is about writing so decide if you like to write with these folks enough to stick it out even if they aren't interested in (insert hobby).

[Bishop 172]

This is hard, I feel for you greatly because I for sure had these feelings once on a site where I realized I was just too...old? Not into Teen Wolf? (That was all they talked about) And the shipping of straight characters always kind of gets me when at the time I was reading what was then some of the first LGBT fiction to hit the kindle (in that same vein).

 

 

ANYWAY, sorry. Yes, this for sure would have you at a crossroads and I think I would first maybe pull the admin or one of the mods to the side and just be very frank with them. Don't put it on them, put the blame on you. Start by asking.

 

"Hey this is how I am feeling, am I being silly? These are MY emotions and I want to know if this is how you feel?" Because #1 a place isn't there to bend for you. We are not here to write for each other no matter how much we like to think we are, and that's ok! You have to love it, and I for sure learned that the hard way.

 

That being said, just because you don't get along with people in the chat or feel that you fit in but you love the site? Stay. You don't need those people! (I know that is easier said than done because my very best friends for many years are some of my players), but you do have to be careful in making sure that you are not staying just because you like those people. Again...you have to be moved IC and inspired.

 

So talk at the admin, hit me in private if you want to practice, and I wish you the best.

 

Much love,

Lily

[Vellamo 74]

I think it's important for you to trust yourself here. Your instincts are there for a reason. The feeling of not fitting in could just be your natural drive kicking in to get your footing. That drive can also plant seeds of doubt in your mind so that it's afraid of failing as a way of making you not fail. It's likely everyone else is feeling exactly what you are, even if you might not see it. So riding it out is the best bet which is why all the other posts give good advice to follow.

 

To be on the safe side: the other reason for your instincts could be that there is a genuine problem with your ability to fit in and your gut is picking up the red flags before you do. Which case, you should never get into the habit of second-guessing yourself. Bottom line is: You should never be in a place where you feel that you are not liked or wanted. Even if it's "just in your head" or what you feel, if you feel/think you need to leave, that's that. No point in forcing yourself. You come first. 

 

With stuff like social anxiety (which you see with a lot of writers) and so on, it is also important to know when to stay and when to walk away. For that, it can be hard to know when it's your instincts vs. when it's your anxiety self-sabotaging you as a defence mechanism (making you avoid things to keep you safe when it's right but making you miss out when it's wrong). 

 

And to answer your question, drawing the line isn't black/white. Sometimes you dodged a bullet, sometimes you didn't. You can't always be 100% certain you may the right choice but it's better that you know what you did was right for you. I've happily stayed on sites that weren't great fits, but I've also left sites that were close-to-amazing fits.

[Sadrienne 242]

7 hours ago, Anonymous said:

Sometimes I wonder if all they want me around for is my consistent posting speed.

Anonymous poster hash: 6cb29...56d

 

This is a very weak reason to keep someone around, trust me! If you've got people wanting to write with you, and are consistently engaging with your characters---it's not about your posting speed. Bare minimum, they enjoy writing with you.

 

That sense of not fitting in does sound a lot like social anxiety, and it sounds like your brain is scrambling to find reasons why you're feeling that---and only coming up with potential negatives. Brains do this and it's stupid. The best way I've found to circumvent it is to ask directly. 

 

Talk to a staff member you trust, explain how you've been feeling, and point-blank ask: Am I not fitting into your community? If not, why? And what can be done to fix it?

 

If any solutions involve you changing who you are, then the board is not for you. But 99.9999% of the time, it's miscommunication and brains being dumb. I think it's worth investigating that avenue if you really feel that the board should be a good fit.

 

And then sometimes... things just don't gel. Even when they should, and everything is perfect on paper, it just doesn't sit right. Sometimes you can't narrow down what it is that doesn't work, and that's okay too. 

[featherstone 69]

Maybe you look for different things in RP? Some people join an RPG board mostly to RP and have little interest (or simply time) to chat about other matters. If they only want you as a writing partner it might be it was the only thing they were looking for. So consider if you like writing on that board in itself, or if you are there especially to make friends. If that's the case you might prefer a community with a different culture and focus. Nothing wrong with either preference.

[Anonymous 234]

I have read through every post and each one has been insightful. I going to give it all a lot of thought. Thank you all for taking the time to respond, I appreciate it!

Anonymous poster hash: 6cb29...56d

[Rune 1,099]

I want to know what your interests are now... xD

[VirusZero 176]

I tend to agree with Elena here. There is no perfect site. It's an illusion that people chase after. People get these unreal expectations that no site ever can hope to fulfill. They just can't live up to your desires, something will always be off/wrong. So naturally this leads to disappointment and regret. Don't fall into that trap of looking for the perfect site because it doesn't exist. 

Even if you try to make a site yourself (which I don't recommend unless you're 110% committed and you understand exactly what kind of a task you'll be undertaking) it still won't be perfect. 

 

As an aside, don't get caught up in feelings too much because they're very often wrong. I mean roleplayers are notoriously bad for trying to read between the lines to look for hidden meanings. But they just get it colossally wrong. My general example is someone goes quiet in chat and another person presumes it was something they said. Even though there is no evidence to support that. Yet they still think it was something they did. 

 

Also, I wouldn't be too concerned about shared hobbies otherwise. There are hobbies that I have that some of my friends don't like. (One of my friends loves Montreal Canadians... They're wrong. But we're still friends anyway. Another of my friends loves collecting Pyrex, I could care less. But we're still friends.) 

[Bass 26]

I was on a site for a while that seemed to be great, except no one wanted to talk to me. The threads were fun. The plotting was there. I enjoyed the character I played, but the cbox would literally die every time I just said hi. If it didn't die, it was like I didn't exist. It wasn't worth it. I like playing, but I also like being a part of the community. For me, my preferred site is the one that has a good balance of ooc and ic. I have found that a lot. My perfect site involves a bunch a petty stuff like graphics and features, like a fricken like feature Jcink c'mon man. There are things I don't talk about myself with my rp buddies in the same way I don't share stuff with my real life buddies that I do with my rp buddies. I would recommend taking a step towards finding something else you do have in common and build it from there. Who knows? One day someone might join who will love geeking out with you about your interests. Until then, take an extra step toward the community before you pull out entirely. You could be surprised. At the very least, you'll learn more about yourself and what it is that you are looking for in basic rp necessities. 

Edited January 4, 2018 by Bass

[Icewolf 258]

I'm not really sure what the problem is. People will not always be interested in the same hobbies so that to me isn't a problem. For instance, I don't really like anime and manga but it doesn't bother me if other people do. I'm also not into every science fiction and fantasy franchise out there, even though there are many I like - some just don't appeal to me. While I was at uni, nearly all the people in sci-fi society I was in loved Terry Prachett (which I was disinterested in - I don't hate his books or love them, they've just never been something I've been drawn to reading) or were into obscure (to me, anyway!) games that I didn't have a clue about. When they talked about them, it did make left out, but that wasn't a fault on their part, just different interests. I just never mentioned that I disliked something they liked and just let them talk among themselves when they were talking about something I had no clue for. I never felt like they didn't like me, but I don't think that were were as close friends as we could have been if we'd shared more of those interests. Online, I've been more freer of letting people know if I don't like something, but I avoid disparaging it - it's ok to not like something, but people can't make you like something and you can't make them, either.

 

As long as they aren't making you feel like you're not welcome on the site, then stay! Later, there might be people who join who do share more of your hobbies and you'll fit in better. I'd stay in this situation unless there were other things going on on the site that made me feel unwelcome.

[Uaithne 543]

It's hard to find a "perfect" site.  I know the feels.  And to me, community is insanely important.  I can put up with a site I don't like in some other way, but I can't compromise much on community.

 

But on the flipside, I also see that sometimes I need to adapt more for the community, or I need to figure out how the community ticks so that I can better understand how to be involved.  I agree with the others - if they're still RPing with you, they like you well enough.

 

What sort of condescending remarks did they make about your hobbies?  (You don't have to answer - just something to think about.)  Could it be that the remarks were not intentionally condescending, but they just weren't too sure what to say because they aren't familiar with the hobbies?  Sometimes (read: all the time) I think that things people say to me are rude, but then it turns out that we're not on the same page, and the person didn't mean to be rude.  Things just don't always translate well over text.

 

What sort of hobbies do they like?  (Again, no need to answer.)  Are there some hobbies that you could read up about?  I'll tell you a trick: ask them questions about their hobbies.  Let's say they like horseback riding, and you have no interest.  Ask them if they've ever ridden a horse / what age they started / what their favorite type of horse is / etc.  Then, if it's not too much of a stretch, you can kind of link it in to your hobbies.  Maybe you like dogs.  You could ask them about what dogs work well with horses, and if they have had any experiences with dogs while working in the barn.  But asking them questions about their hobbies shows them that you're interested, and trying to figure out a natural way to relate the hobbies together allows them opportunity to see that your hobbies aren't entirely too different.

 

You can also try to find a way to connect your characters to others' on the site so that you can talk about the characters.  If you're good in graphics and you wouldn't be stepping on toes, start a graphics gallery.  If you love to draw pictures, draw pictures of your favorite scenes in the RP and share them with the other members.

 

But be honest, and be you.  Don't pretend to be into a hobby you're not, and don't compliment and fawn over people just for attention and to make them think well of you.  And if you still don't feel comfortable, maybe it's not the site for you, and that's okay.