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Have you ever dealt with this?


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Hey guys. Have any of you ever dealt with an admin on a site you've joined that is really, really hard to deal with? I know that most people are going to just say to leave the site, but the problem is that everyone else on the site is awesome and I really love my characters there so I don't want to just leave. It just sucks that whenever people (including me) come up with a character that they don't understand they FREAK. It's not like these people are breaking site rules or anything. They aren't going against any written lore for their AU site. It's seriously just a case of them saying "I don't understand why this character would do this or say this" because they are being so narrow minded...It's like in their mind everything is black and white. Marriage and relationships have to be about love and only love. Certain characters should all fit into this one stereotype that they seem to have just made up in their mind and there can't be any variation....like every character in one area should be exactly the same. None of these stereotypes are written out in their AU guide either by the way. So anyone coming in from this fandom or other AU sites know any of this when they come in excited to make a character. And then it doesn't get told to them nicely. They get told off like they came in throwing insults at this admin. Two new members came into join recently, they both got freaked out on, and neither has been back since.

 

I seriously love the other admin and mod on this site and all of the other players and I have created so many characters already that are now wrapped up in really good stories with the others. I'm seriously thinking of just not making any more characters and just avoiding actually having to write and interact with this admin...

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Honestly, the admin will probably bring the site down around them. Unless they can get over their weird issues and stop making things difficult for everyone else. It might take someone else stepping up as application mod so that the admin causing the issues isn't there causing the issues. If they're doing it solely with threads, avoiding them might be your best bet.

 

Depending on how close you are to the rest of the staff team, you could approach one of them and ask if you'd missed something or if this admin's approach is normal and that it has you uncomfortable on a variety of levels. 

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That's... a very interesting situation. 

 

I would start by talking to the staff you know, highlight the behaviour that has been making you/others uncomfortable. It may be normal for that admin, and if it is -- that's kind of a red flag. Someone who's reacting that way isn't in a good position to be running a board. And that's something the staff team will need to deal with.

 

If it's not normal, there may be something going on in the admin's life that is making them a little extra touchy. In which case, again, the staff team need to sit down with them and see if there's a way they can resolve it. It may involve the admin stepping back for a while, and relinquishing control over a few things.

 

If the staff feel that the admin's behaviour is appropriate, you may need to point out that additional documentation is required to bring applying members in line with what is expected. 

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I don't care how much you love the other people on the site, an admin you don't get along with is just going to make you miserable. Your best bet is to cut your losses, and make an effort to keep in touch with the players and staff that you like, so that you can hopefully write with them again on another site.

 

I totally get how hard it is to walk away when you're invested in your characters, the plot, and RP setting. It feels like it's impossible, it feels like you're losing a part of yourself, but seriously, sticking around when you don't get along with someone who's on staff is usually an exercise in self harm. The key to remember is: the admin is the top authority in the RP, so if they don't agree with whatever it is you've got a problem with, then there's no real way to appeal, no real way to get them to change. It doesn't matter who's right and who's wrong, all that matters is that you have no authority and no higher power to appeal to. In an ideal world, the staff on a site will listen, but there's no guarantee that you'll find this on every site, so if you've tried to talk to the staff and nothing has been done that satisfies what you want, then there really are so many RP sites out there... it's impossible to think you can't find (or even start) one that's a better fit for you.

 

I've had a couple of times where I've had to do this, and while it was a hard decision to make (the second time it took me months to realize it was the right decision because I was staff, but wasn't being treated like staff), in the end I felt better.

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2 minutes ago, Death Kitten said:

I totally get how hard it is to walk away when you're invested in your characters, the plot, and RP setting. It feels like it's impossible, it feels like you're losing a part of yourself, but seriously, sticking around when you don't get along with someone who's on staff is usually an exercise in self harm. The key to remember is: the admin is the top authority in the RP, so if they don't agree with whatever it is you've got a problem with, then there's no real way to appeal, no real way to get them to change. It doesn't matter who's right and who's wrong, all that matters is that you have no authority and no higher power to appeal to. In an ideal world, the staff on a site will listen, but there's no guarantee that you'll find this on every site, so if you've tried to talk to the staff and nothing has been done that satisfies what you want, then there really are so many RP sites out there... it's impossible to think you can't find (or even start) one that's a better fit for you.

 

 

Characters can be remade. Letting your friends on board knowing why you're leaving can be done. 

 

It sucks, but a shit admin will make for a shit site sooner or later.

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Unfortunately, this is a spot I was in for far too long, and kept telling myself that it was worth it because of the characters I'd made and the fellow writers I'd met. I loved literally every other aspect, but the admin rubbed me the wrong way. They went out of their way to bad mouth me, to shut me out of plots, to downplay the plots I had going with other people and hijack them. But, because of the other members that I'd managed to write with, the many characters I'd gotten out there and actively writing, I stuck around. I stuck around through many perceived attempts to get me off the site, including turning one of my partners against me, one who used to feel how I did for said admin.

 

And, just like everyone above said, that one admin brought the whole site down. Everything they touched devolved into drama, and that site (along with other ventures of theirs) withered and died.

 

I stayed because I thought what I had was worth dealing with everything thrown at me. Through all the backstabbing, bullcrap, and loss of a few friends because I thought the many outweighed the few.

 

I was wrong.

 

The moment I left, it was like a weight lifted off my shoulders. I was no longer stressed to write and do this hobby; I was free. Those friends that you have there can be written with elsewhere, be it through a chat, through a google doc, through smoke signals. Characters can be relocated and reworked to fit somewhere else.

 

Your sanity and enjoyment isn't worth the annoyance. If you're posting here to talk about them and how they're stifling your experience there, it's already gone on far beyond what you should deal with. Point blank period.

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Some people are seeing the world in black and white and they don't understand things. If you can live and work with the others, then stay and avoid the interaction with this one as much as possible. But I agree that you should talk to the other staff and ask if it is normal.

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Speak to the other staff members about the behavior and do so candidly. If they can't, or are unwilling, to at least address the issues you're going to be better off finding another place to play no matter how much you like the other people there.

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To me, it sounds like you've found yourself in a fantastic community, writing things that you enjoy. To lose that over one person, even someone as important as an admin, is very sad. I think a place you love so much is worth fighting for. So to echo Mousie, if you feel comfortable approaching the other admin, I think it'd be good to do so! If you do not feel comfortable doing so, is there another member who does? If not, then by all means avoid that particular admin, but watch out for signs of that forum becoming a negative place for you. If it starts having a negative impact on your RP life and self, then it's probably time to move on.

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Honestly I'd say find another place to write with all these lovely people. I have also been in this situation where I was constantly badgered, badmouthed, belittled and attacked. I was made out to be the one who was the problem because the person attacking was the admin. There was nothing I could do and literally anyone I went to, asking for help, blowing off steam, it would get back to them and they'd come down harder.

 

It's not worth your stress. Find somewhere that DOES understand you and rp THERE with your lovely friends. If they're all as miserable as you say as well, then it sounds like you all would like a different place.

 

At least that's my thought.

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I had this problem on a site I was on for over a year. I loved the site, the other admin, and a lot of the members. I avoided the other admin. It was pretty unspoken that we didn't like each other and over time straight up spoken. Later I took a mod position where we continued to have problems which I would grin and bear. I'd avoid her as best I could and try to just do my mod duties and go to the admin I got on with for everything.

 

However, it got to a point where I was plot blocked by her pretty hard, and it was no longer a ideology and personality problem, but interfered with my writing. In the end, it was the worst experience. It became a very toxic relationship. I cried over it. I was no longer having fun and it was infecting my RL. I left the site.

 

When I left the other admin and I, who I thought I had a tried and true friendship with, had a falling out. She didn't want to be friends anymore. She felt abandoned, even though I was doing what I had to for me. I lost one of my best friends. I also lost 1.5 years of my writing, plots, and hard effort. I LOVED those characters, and now, even though I play them on a new site, it's not the same. I always think about who they were in that world and their history. It hurts to play them sometimes.

 

 

I don't know if I would go back and never join if I could, but I would never have let it get to that point. I'm not sure how similar our situations are, but be prepared for things to get toxic and know when to draw the line for your own sanity, even if it means giving up amazing writing and relationships. 

 

Anonymous poster hash: 9cb59...aa0

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I agree that you should reach out to the admin you are comfortable with and seeing if it is something that can be worked on. If you were the only one feeling this way, I would say cut your losses and hit the road, but if this is upsetting multiple members in the community, say something. Maybe I'm one of those people who is just less likely to stand up for myself than someone else, but I hate to see over zealous admins run rampant never get put in check. But also, if this admin in question is the "head admin" and this site is their "baby" while the other admin are "just staff," there is chance making a stink isn't even worth it. Just gather your bag and peace out. In my experience, any admin who thinks the site belongs to them and is just a reflection of their own head canon under the guise of au would rather shut the board down than let their lowly hired help or members tell them they are wrong. It may still be worth a shot, and I would always encourage people to fight for what they want, but don't take it personally if the admin you thought you liked chooses to side with angry streak over you and the other members.

 

Be prepared for possible admin backlash in the form of rushed ip ban. I'm not saying that it sounds like these admin are the type, but everyone has a point that can cause them to break. Sounds like maybe this admin's breaking point is way back over there somewhere and now you are just waiting to see which shoe drops next. Without going around telling everyone that you are going to complain or possibly leave, gather up contact info for the people you like. Exchange some discords or whatever it is y'all use to communicate, and be prepared for the possibility that one day you may not even be able to access the board. Maybe save your apps and the like. This just ensures that you don't miss out on what you love about the site by trying to help make sure it doesn't go down in resentful admin flames, even if you end up having the situation resolved and all goes well. Even if you don't complain, this admin could be reaching their limit and you may just find they have shut the board down and locked everyone out. While I hope that none of that happens to you, always be prepared.

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That's an awful situation. I've been there, too. I loved the board, my characters, had several good roleplay buddies there – but didn't get along well with one of the staffmembers. The thing is that this person was nice to most people, but nasty only to a chosen few.

I didn't want to give up my characters and roleplaying there, but felt uncomfortable whenever I even logged in. Even so I was there for one and a half years, but enjoyed it less and less. Things became worse when my favourite staffmember left the board and when I fell out with another staffmember with whom I got on well so far. So that there was no staffmember left whom I could still turn to if I had some problem.

My motivation was very low. When two of my favourite roleplay buddies left the board (one of them because of problems with the same admin) I finally left, too. I never regretted it, I just regretted not to have left earlier. This toxic behaviour had almost destroyed my joy in roleplaying. It's just not worth it taking too much shit.

I played the same characters elsewhere, but unfortunately I lost contact to the roleplay buddies whom I knew there.

 

It's a good idea to exchange contact details and copy and paste everything you would like to keep but might not get access to any more if you happen to get banned.

Sometimes even confiding to a nice admin, complaining about an unfair admin, can lead to getting banned.

That happened to me once. I got on very well with one of the two admins, but not too well with the other one. I turned to the nice admin and told her that I was feeling very uncomfortable about getting treated like this. The next thing I knew was that I couldn't log in any more. I had been banned. By the nice admin! I got a mail from her, stating that she had done that because she didn't want to lose the other admin and couldn't to do without their help.

That was the biggest disappointment about this board that it was the nice admin who banned me – after I had turned to them in confidence with a problem. Such nasty surprises can happen, unfortunately. I hope the nice admin on your board won't do that.

The board was brand new when I had created my character. It didn't last long though. When I had another took at the board three months I had been banned it was dead, and I wasn't surprised really.

 

And lately I was on a board where one of the admins was picking at me for no good reason already during character creation. I didn't want to go through the same shit any more and rather left already before it could get even worse. If I feel stressed-out already during my first week on a board, that's not good.

No board is worth staying on if it affects your own peace of mind and health negatively. Wishing you the best of luck! 

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Here's a perspective from a narrow-minded admin (who has been trying to reform):

 

I have a vision of how things "are."  If you introduce a new idea to me, it immediately freaks me out because it's outside of my vision.  It's new and uncomfortable, and that alone makes me not want it.  What's worse is that your brain is not my brain, so you can never really understand my vision no matter how thoroughly I try to explain it; there will always be subtle things that cannot be accurately communicated.  And if your ideas don't match up with my expectations, it's wrong.

 

The problem is that I can only change if I'm aware of my shortcomings and I want to change.  You can't change me.  Because telling me that I'm too narrow-minded is only going to make me shut you out because I can't tolerate that information.  If I can't even handle people giving me new ideas for my characters, how can I possibly handle negative feedback about myself?  The only people who have a shot at breaking through are those I trust, such as my fellow staff members.  But even that's going to be really challenging because being told that I'm narrow-minded isn't part of my vision of how the site is supposed to be.

 

I can change.  It'll take time, and it won't happen overnight.  And it's not going to be quite as straightforward as you wish it to be.

 

---

 

It's a bit of a dramatization, but the truth is there.  I'm not saying that that's how your admin thinks (reasons/ideas/etc. may be wildly different), but the fact is that it is likely a deep-rooted and challenging problem in which direct confrontation may not be the best option.

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I've had this problem where one of my former staff members would try to subtly drive players away (with characters they didn't like, or if they wanted the canon played a certain way), try to take over member plots, edit the history itself to highlight their own characters and purposely manipulate site lore so their characters had greater achievements than they actually had. It is possible the nice admin is not completely aware of what bad admin is doing. If the nice admin is willing to listen, something may be worked out. I was not entirely aware of it happening at the time, and it took a good friend and a member pointing it out to me. And it was shocking that people I trusted could behave this way. 

 

I hope it works out well for you, Anon. 

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