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Anonymous

partner needs more than I can give?

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I have a rp partner who I love dearly. We have been together for the majority of our rp lives. She is absolutely amazing and I wouldn't trade her for anything. But... she needs so much more than I can give her, and it starting to effect my ability to play at all. We always have a lot of plots together spanning multiple sites and she is always hungry for more. I, on the other hand, could stand to have a lot less. I am more comfortable being a one thread at a time kind of person, but I currently have 32 "active" threads with 28 of those being with my rp partner alone. If I try to make plots with people outside of her, she gets jealous and makes underhanded remarks when I choose to post on their plotter instead of make one of my many replies to her. I am enjoying the majority of the threads, but she just keeps making more and expecting more and even when I tell her I can't keep up, she just laughs and says she is used to waiting. It is also one sided. She has many other people she plays with who she will prioritize over me, with plenty of outside plots but every single character I make that isn't tied to hers ends up being her best friend, secret otp, fling, etc.. It is to the point where I have to join sites behind her back just to plot and then agonize about the possibility of her stumbling across it and finding me or me accidentally ranting to her about a thread she didn't know I was doing somewhere. I don't want to lose her as my best friend and my best rp partner, but she makes me not want to write anymore. I don't know how to handle it.

 

Advice anyone?

Anonymous poster hash: 16455...7f0

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Encourage her to branch out and write with more people on the same site. If you are a staff member, actively show her and potential partners various plot points. Limit your plots with her while encouraging her to branch out to other writers in your group.


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I like Shade's idea of detailing your grievances in an easy-to-follow letter. 

 

Ultimately, the day is going to come where you need to say: "Hey Bestie, I don't want to add anymore mutual threads until we finish some of what's already piled up." And stick to that when she inevitably complains, saying something  along the lines of "Sorry, but please respect my boundaries, we can start new things as soon as we finish/drop/donewith the old stuff". 

 

If she complains about you giving somebody else attention you can always be like "Hey, you're probably joking around, but it's really annoying me that you complain every time I give a different RP partner some attention. I like to have plots OUTSIDE of what we do, and don't want every character locked up with yours. You have other partners you can concentrate on to keep you busy until I'm able to reply to our threads again." 

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Oh, just another thing that occurred to me:

 

She wants more than you can give, she doesn't need anything. While it sounds like a small difference, it's a good idea to separate wants and needs in order to strengthen your resolve. You're not denying her of a need (which might make you feel like you're being a bad friend). You're denying her of a want she can perfectly live without, as you're already giving her a lot - much more than you're giving anyone else, and probably much more than she deserves.

 

It's roleplay. It's a hobby, not a human right she's being denied. And how many roleplays you have with her shouldn't be a measure of your friendship/how much you care about her, if that's the approach she's taking on this.

 

Whatever is going on in her mind, actions speak louder, and her actions are telling you you must cater to her whims and care about her 'needs' while she disregards your needs and feelings. Never a healthy requirement for any relationship.

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Shady McShaderson

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I have taken some time to respond, because I wanted to see what other people's take is on this. I would like to ask something. When you have a disagreement with her, tell her no that you can't do something or when she gets jealous about you rping with other people, does she make you feel confused, lay the blame for 'problems' on you or accuses you of things that you've not done? If she does, and she does appear to try to isolate you and make all of your characters have connections to hers in one way or another then it's time to think about stopping roleplaying with her. How does she treat other writers? Is she always getting into ooc fights with them for the least little thing? I've known some rpers who've done that a lot and I ended up cutting them off and things were a lot nicer when they were no longer around. She also seems obsessive about making all of your characters hers, and that alone would make me want to avoid writing too much with someone even if I did like them.

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You guys have given me a lot to think about. I struggle because I do enjoy playing with her and I really love her. We have been together for nearly two decades now, but recently her rp appetite is just insatiable and she is struggling to find other partners who... I don't want to say are up to her standard with the way I feel I've painted her, but she and I have a very strong writing relationship. We can finish each other's thoughts, even if the rest of the thought is in another language. What I have with her I have never had with another writer.

 

When you call it an abusive relationship, you aren't wrong. I see it. I feel it. But it wasn't always like this. We stopped writing for about a two year stretch and recently got back into it. Her behavior is all so new to me. I hear you and would probably give the same advice about cutting ties, but I can't do it. And I know it is toxic, but I refuse to believe this is us. I'm going to sit her down and talk boundaries, and not in the joking, passive aggressive way I've been. In clear, precise terms, I'm going stand my ground. I really don't want to lose her as a friend, even if it means telling her that for our friendship, I can't rp with her anymore.

 

Thank you guys for the support. Fingers crossed that I'm not back with a tub of chunky monkey asking about the best break up playlists.

Anonymous poster hash: 16455...7f0

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I'm going to be honest. This whole situation and relationship sound problematic to me. I don't like to use the word 'abusive' because people like and thrive off of different scenarios and situations. I'm very strong-willed and independent so I hate people who ever tell me what to do (or even vaguely imply it), and that carries over to RP. Everything has to be mutual for me; but I know that some people prefer others being in charge; or them being in charge of others -- you do you.

 

My concern lies, not with the relationship itself but with the tone of this message, which is stressed. At least that's how I read it. At the end of the day, RP is a hobby and is supposed to be fun. If being around this RPer makes roleplay less fun than it otherwise would be, I would say talk to her. 

 

If she's really your friend, she'll understand. Bottling up emotions usually leads to confusion and misunderstanding. Be blunt and honest. 

 

<3 hope it works out, OP~

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7 hours ago, Icewolf said:

I have taken some time to respond, because I wanted to see what other people's take is on this. I would like to ask something. When you have a disagreement with her, tell her no that you can't do something or when she gets jealous about you rping with other people, does she make you feel confused, lay the blame for 'problems' on you or accuses you of things that you've not done? If she does, and she does appear to try to isolate you and make all of your characters have connections to hers in one way or another then it's time to think about stopping roleplaying with her. How does she treat other writers? Is she always getting into ooc fights with them for the least little thing? I've known some rpers who've done that a lot and I ended up cutting them off and things were a lot nicer when they were no longer around. She also seems obsessive about making all of your characters hers, and that alone would make me want to avoid writing too much with someone even if I did like them.

 

Sorry, if I could edit to add this, I would.

 

She never used to. Now she guilts me hard. There was a plot she got really excited for that I'm just not into. We've tried it multiple times and it never works, but this time she thinks is the charm and I told her I was over it so she threw a fit. I don't want to be too specific about what was said, but she implied that I never follow through with the plots, despite the fact that I told her the reason I dislike this plot in particular is because she always put the load on me. I have to drag her character through the threads like a corpse that I'm trying to reanimate. Back on point, she just made the character, and a post for me for said character, and then linked it to me everyday. She told me to just make the account for my character, give it some basic history to get accepted, and then just figure out the rest later. When I told her I'm not about to just make a character to reply to her, she said she understood but continued to post the link to me everyday, link me possible face claims, and whenever I got excited about a new character idea, she would get upset and mention how I hadn't made this other character for her.

 

So.... yeah. Maybe not rping with her for a while would do us both some good.

Anonymous poster hash: 16455...7f0

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It's not easy to separate from someone who you previously enjoyed so very much, but in the end, it's better for you.  Please be aware that if she's as selfish and manipulative as you've described, she's not going to go down without a fight.  If she says that everything is okay and she understands, do not believe her.  Be respectful of her willingness to understand, but be aware that she can - and very likely will - find a way to hurt you when you least expect it.  The behavior that you described is not normal and it can't be written off as "a bad day" or "going through a rough patch in life."  All of us behave poorly at some point or another, and we need various things to snap us back into line.  But a pattern of deceptive and harmful behavior isn't something that can be corrected with a talk.  Sure, she may back off and maybe (wouldn't it be great?) she'll give you the space you need and you guys can resume a healthy-boundary friendship.  But don't expect her to truly understand and respect your needs because she's made it clear so far that it isn't important to her.

 

We are here for you if you need anything.

 

tl;dr - Protect your own ass.

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1 hour ago, Anonymous said:

What I have with her I have never had with another writer.

 

To put this plainly, while I understand that you haven't found ANOTHER writing partner that you have connected with, this is BS. It's hard and it takes time and a lot of writing partners to find the right ones but I've made and lost people like what you're describing that you have together. I've personally had to sever ties with one of them (and I mean over 80,000 posts together over a few years) because I had a friend that kept on going back to her toxic friends and complaining to me about it (or I'll find out about it some other way that she decided to go back and be their little post puppy again). These friends were exactly what you are describing your friend as and I couldn't take watching her eat herself alive because of those people. It hurt me and I had to make the choice to cut it off.

 

It's hard and it's a pain in the ass to put yourself back out there to find a new writing partner. I mean even half clicks don't really give you the same buzz as someone that you just know well enough that you can have fun steering the plot in new and undiscovered directions however it's worth it to find someone that respects you.

 

 

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1 hour ago, Anonymous said:

 

Sorry, if I could edit to add this, I would.

 

She never used to. Now she guilts me hard. There was a plot she got really excited for that I'm just not into. We've tried it multiple times and it never works, but this time she thinks is the charm and I told her I was over it so she threw a fit. I don't want to be too specific about what was said, but she implied that I never follow through with the plots, despite the fact that I told her the reason I dislike this plot in particular is because she always put the load on me. I have to drag her character through the threads like a corpse that I'm trying to reanimate. Back on point, she just made the character, and a post for me for said character, and then linked it to me everyday. She told me to just make the account for my character, give it some basic history to get accepted, and then just figure out the rest later. When I told her I'm not about to just make a character to reply to her, she said she understood but continued to post the link to me everyday, link me possible face claims, and whenever I got excited about a new character idea, she would get upset and mention how I hadn't made this other character for her.

 

So.... yeah. Maybe not rping with her for a while would do us both some good.

Anonymous poster hash: 16455...7f0

 

I'm sorry this is going to sound harsh but... and you still think she's your friend because...?

 

She's telling you by her behavior and attitudes that she doesn't care about you except as a tool for her enjoyment. You're very important to her until you say no. Then you become someone she'll pester and manipulate until she gets her way.

 

When people show you who they are... believe them.

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Shady McShaderson

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