Membership Recovering from jealousy: Is it possible?

[Anonymous 234]

I know that jealousy is a common problem in the RP world, but usually I only ever hear about how it tears people apart. I'm hoping that someone out there has managed to survive their jealousy without ruining their RP partnerships,  because I'm suffering from massive jealousy issues right now. I've fixated on the one plot my partner is doing with someone else to the point where I don't enjoy the plots I do have, and I lied and put up an away on our site saying I'm busy so that I don't have to post or talk to anyone.

 

I don't like feeling this way, but I don't know how to get my emotions under control, either. Has anyone ever successfully broken a jealousy fixation without it destroying your friendship? What did you do? How can I get out of my head and enjoy what I actually have instead of looking at what I don't? Is the answer to take an RP break? Is it to just cry my way through writing my other plots? Is there a less painful  way to deal with this than either of those? 

Anonymous poster hash: 5e3d5...a3b

[CovertSphinx 710]

What exactly is causing the jealousy? I think that finding the root of why this plot upsets you is a major factor in beginning to overcome it.

[Elena 546]

Yes, I find the root of the jealousy, then I am convincing myself that it is absurd. That me and my writing partner are encouraged to have several other writing partners, and that excitement for a thread comes and goes. I also try to have exciting plots with other writing partners, to branch off and to give room to breathe to that one. Also, I am asking her, in the case that she neglects severely our threads for others (because as long as I get my share of attention, she can do anything else without me being jealous), what can I do in order to refresh her inspiration with the thread.

[Shades 676]

You have taken a healthy first step - recognizing a problem and trying to work on it. You do need a break, but not a 'months away from rp' break. You need a cool down break. Feelings are tricky, but they become much more intense if swept under the rug.

 

So, give yourself this break, then, when you're a bit more level-headed, stop and check out what you're feeling.

 

Is it about this thread specifically? (aka, you wish your partner would do it with you, not someone else)

Is it a general jealousy about your partner?

Is it that you are generally jealous?

 

If it's the first one, you can try and talk to your partner and see if the thing that attracts you on that thread can be done with you.

If it's jealousy about your partner, maybe start branching out or compartmentalising? I hope that's the word, English is not my first language. Basically, try to have time shares (ie, we post for each other on Fridays, or what have you). This way you'll always have 'your' time.

If you're a generally jealous person... ugh, that's a trickier one and I wouldn't really know what to advise.

 

I hope something I wrote is even a little helpful!

[Anonymous 234]

oh, boy, the root cause? These are embarrassing to admit but here we go. 

 

The first reason is because everyone else loves this plot, but never talks about the ones we have. It didn't bother me to have no OOC acknowledgement until this plot came about, when people compliment this plot I feel like they're saying I'm not a good enough partner for her. I know that's completely irrational, but there it is. It's made even more irrational by the fact that she says she likes our plots better than this one, and her opinion should be the one that matters the most. 

 

The second reason is because she doesn't plot with other people usually, so I'm used to being the center of her attention. She threads with other people, but the multi-thread spanning plots have always been between the two of us. I used to think I would want her to plot with other people, but I guess I'm not as good a partner as I thought because I hate it. I don't want to hate it, and I hope I can get over hating it without destroying our friendship. 

 

I'm not usually a jealous person, no. This is the first time I've felt this way about an RP partner plotting with someone else and I've been in roleplay for over a decade. I've also never felt this way about other friendships or about romantic partners. 

Anonymous poster hash: 5e3d5...a3b

[Shades 676]

2 minutes ago, Anonymous said:

 so I'm used to being the center of her attention.

There's your reason.

It's okay. It's change. Change hurts, it's hard and uncomfortable. So it is okay and normal that you're feeling like you're losing something.

I would talk to her about it, in a calm way, not accusing her of something, and see if there's any compromise you guys can reach. If you're close, I'm sure she'll at least be a friendly ear and maybe have an idea. 

Just, for the love of all gods, don't accept any suggestion that involves her not being 'allowed' to branch out anymore.

Good luck!

[Rune 1,099]

Good on you for being able to admit these things, Anon! It isn't something a lot of people would admit to!

 

So, now you know WHY you are upset. Change is never fun. I'd do a couple different things.

 

First, I'd approach your friend and ask if you can talk plots/threads. Then sit down and plan out some threads. Jump in them, talk to them about them, express how excited you are for them. 

 

Secondly, I'd see if anyone else on site is willing to write with you and pursue a plot you have that you haven't explored yet. Something you haven't done with your friend or something you've not approached them about yet. Get involved with people outside of your friend. You can be excited about other people.

 

And thirdly, Stop. Reading. The. Thread.

[Anonymous 234]

Thanks, guys. I’m relieved everyone is so understanding because I feel awful for feeling so jealous.

 

Yeah, I don’t want her to quit or not branch out anymore. I’m the one who needs to change here, not her. It’s simply been hard!!!

 

As for branching out myself, I’m not proud to admit this but I have become completely unraveled emotionally. I tried branching out at first, but whenever the people I was branching out with complimented me or expressed excitement about our threads I would end up crying for hours and then be completely demoralized for those threads. This was true of trying to join a game in a different genre without her and of trying to do one on ones, too. No, I can’t make sense of this, either, but you can see why I need help finding a solution because this is a wildly inappropriate reaction! I would love to be excited about something else instead of upset over something so silly. 

Anonymous poster hash: 5e3d5...a3b

[Uaithne 543]

Dude, I think you need a therapist if you don't have one already.

 

I'm really impressed that you're able to be so honest and to have a good understanding of things that are pretty damned complicated, but it seems to me that there are some personal issues that need to be worked out with a professional.  This isn't something I'm saying to write off your concerns because that's not my intention at all.  However, the mis-match in reactions seems to be far more complicated than what many of us can unravel without professional training and better insight to you as a person.  This is clearly something that is causing you conflict and discomfort, and it shouldn't be overlooked for your overall wellbeing.

 

But let's say that going for professional help isn't an option...

 

You start crying and feel demoralized when you receive praise over good work.  Do you know the reason why?  At first I thought it was one of those "I'm so happy I could cry" moments, but the demoralization doesn't really go along with that.

[BillieJoeIsCool 12]

Man, I hate feeling jealous when people don't see or don't typically get as excited as I do about things. Especially when it comes to close RP friends.

 

My typical thing is to just leave the RP. I usually try to remedy the situation by talking with others, and trying to get my head on straight, but there comes a point where I go 'Is this something to stress about?' vs 'Do I really want to be here?' It hurts, and I've cried over leaving rps (the last one I left was that way because I felt like I was letting down the few partners I did RP with, but overall, the whole website was toxic and I feel so much better having left), but it helped.

 

If you're not quite up to the same way of thinking as I am, perhaps you should take a break! Look at your threads that make you happy, or find something else to distract yourself when you're feeling rather jealous. Typically, I'll take a few days (like during the week when I'm clearly busy) to recoup and just read, talk with other friends, or play video games. Sometimes, it allows you to come back with a clearer head, and a more open and willing heart!

 

Good luck, mate! ❤️

[Anonymous 234]

Therapy was my partner’s suggestion, too, so I have been playing phone tag with one trying to get an appointment. I was hoping maybe someone else in the RPC would have some helpful suggestion in the meantime.

 

It is probably revealing that I only agreed to therapy because it would help my friendship with her and not for my own sake. In all honesty, we probably are a bit codependent; We are two lonely, mentally ill people who fell into one another's orbit and ended up taking to one another quickly. We've both managed to bypass a lot of the boundaries the other one normally puts up in terms of not only IC content but also exchanges of personal information and I think recently we've slid further down the unhealthy path....I'm sure we need to be straightened out into something healthier, but I also don't think that this is the forum to work that out. Maybe that background gives more insight into the problem I did come here to ask about!

 

As for praise...it makes me miserable, definitely not happy tears. I have not worked out the issue there yet, though. I’m not sure if this is because the compliments are from the wrong person, or because my lizard brain is taking compliments about anything not tied to my codependent partner as an insult to those plots, or if it is because deep down I really want everyone to say they don’t like writing with me to justify pushing them away.  Also probably illustrative of our codependency is that she’s the only person I don’t have to struggle not to cut off when I’m in a downswing.  

 

And I guess I should add, to be fair and honest, the plot itself is not something I ever would have considered roleplaying. It is something my friend told me she wanted to do, but she didn't trust anyone to handle it in a way that she would be comfortable with. It is a plot that is not uncommon in the RPC but it is one that I felt I would not do a very good job on so I told her I hoped she found someone who could do it with her while in reality wondering if I could do enough research to pull it off for her eventually. It is not a plot I would want to do with anyone else; I was only interested at all because it is her.

 

I was admittedly hoping that therapy and/or quitting might be last desperate resorts that I didn’t have to use but I suppose reality doesn’t care how I feel about it. If I ever actually get in touch with the therapist I'll certainly bring all of this up! I desperately don't want to be upset at my friend over this, especially because we have talked about it, and it hurts her that I feel this way. I don't want to hurt her, so I need to change.

Anonymous poster hash: 5e3d5...a3b

[Rune 1,099]

Therapy therapy therapy!

 

In the meantime, hit up https://www.7cups.com/ and see if any of them can help you sort through these feelings and help you get moving.

 

Taking a break from your friend and forcing yourself to interact with others might honestly be a good thing. 

 

You seem like you have your shit together in terms of recognizing there's a problem. And that's good! Very good, actually! A lot of people can't even manage that! You might just need help on a professional level figuring out what the next steps to take to end the codependency and get some confidence. 

 

I know when I enjoy writing with someone I WANT to tell them. I want them to know I appreciate them and like their words. Not gushing over their characters/plots/posts/them in general would be really hard and I hope you know that the people that are doing this don't mean to make you freak out.

[Uaithne 543]

Anon, there is absolutely nothing wrong with going to therapy.  Don't see it as a "last desperate resort" but as an opportunity for growth and learning.  You deserve to be able to RP happily with a wide variety of people, and you deserve to feel good about the great things you write.

 

If the therapist doesn't get back to you, contact another one.

[Anonymous 234]

I have not told anyone to hold off on gushing, that would be so unfair! I've just been strategically busy/not logged into discord because I was starting to fail at replying with anything but "thanks hey, I have to go now! TTYL" which I am pretty sure concerned a few people since my reaction used to be keysmashing reciprocity. I'm sorry, other players, you are all great still, the problem is entirely me. 

 

I do know that nobody intends to upset their RP partners by complimenting their characters or writing or by expressing enthusiasm about a plot! In a way knowing that makes me feel worse, since it's really not fair to people who want to write with me that I react so badly. So I've been sending people "Hey, I'm sorry, but I can't finish our RP right now. If you need to move on without me then do so however is best for you." and then hoping that I can fix myself enough to come back and adapt to however the plots have moved on in my absence. 

 

Thanks for the link. Honestly some part of me expected everyone to say "oh, wow, how could you be jealous of your RP partner for plotting with someone else? She should stop being your friend!" so I guess this went better than I expected, even if the answer of therapy isn't exactly what I wanted. 

 

Thank you for the assistance, everyone! 

Anonymous poster hash: 5e3d5...a3b

[Sadrienne 242]

4 hours ago, Anonymous said:

In all honesty, we probably are a bit codependent; We are two lonely, mentally ill people who fell into one another's orbit and ended up taking to one another quickly. We've both managed to bypass a lot of the boundaries the other one normally puts up in terms of not only IC content but also exchanges of personal information and I think recently we've slid further down the unhealthy path.

 

As for praise...it makes me miserable, definitely not happy tears. I have not worked out the issue there yet, though. I’m not sure if this is because the compliments are from the wrong person, or because my lizard brain is taking compliments about anything not tied to my codependent partner as an insult to those plots, or if it is because deep down I really want everyone to say they don’t like writing with me to justify pushing them away.  Also probably illustrative of our codependency is that she’s the only person I don’t have to struggle not to cut off when I’m in a downswing.  

 

First, Anon: I really want you to realise how self-aware, articulate, and brave you are for posting this. It's a huge step to recognise a problem, and an even bigger step not to place the blame onto another person. 

 

I've singled the pieces above out because I feel they demonstrate a few key points in your situation. 

 

You've got an amazing relationship with your friend. That is clear. The fact that you've managed to connect (when it sounds like you struggle to connect with other people, is that correct?) can feel like a miracle, and it's very hard to process the other person making a similar connection with someone else. I don't think you're purely jealous, it sounds more like you're scared that she's found "another you" in her life and that you, who you automatically feel is inferior to any other person, will lose any battle for her attention.

 

After all, she's been there all this time and given you a sense of value in yourself that you struggle to find on your own. The fear and jealousy doesn't come from you wanting her all to yourself, it comes from the deep-seated belief that she's going to find someone better and leave you alone. You're not selfish. You're scared. You don't think you're good enough for her or anyone, and suddenly there's this glaring big thing happening that you believe proves that. She's threading with someone else and everyone is loving it.

 

Of course, only her opinion matters----but telling that to your brain is harder than it sounds. And your reactions are more intense than they would be for someone with a healthy amount of self-esteem. Here I'm going to add my vote for therapy, because I think you'll get a lot out of it---not just for this one situation. I believe that everyone should see a psychologist regularly, even if it's just once a year to get a "mental check up". Looking at it as a last resort is problematic, because it suggests that our mental health is only worth attention when it's beyond breaking point.

 

Also, if you're sitting there concerned that "my problems aren't as valid as other problems people go to therapists for and I shouldn't waste their time" -- stop. That is the exact thought that stopped me from seeing someone for more than a decade and that was a mistake. Anything that hurts you this much is a very valid reason to seek help.

 

The good news? Is when you get the help you need, you also get strategies to deal with these situations in future. And you get stronger, and better at doing it. It's always a step forward, even though sometimes it feels like you've gone backwards---you'll come back from those backslides faster and better. 

 

Keep talking to your friend, and if you're as honest with her as you've been with us, I'm sure she'll stick by you. I doubt you're going to let her sacrifice her own fun to keep your anxiety and fear at bay, but if she knows about it, she can at least talk it through  with you.

 

And lastly, practice accepting those compliments people give you. Every time your brain suggests that they're wrong, stop and tell yourself "No, they are not wrong. I have earned this compliment and I will be proud of the work that it was given for." --- sounds dumb, but it actually works.