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A Member Who Drowns Out The Chat Talking About Themselves...


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We have a member on our site that just... clogs the general chat room with stories of themselves all the time. And you can't escape this person. You go into the plotting channel to plot with another member, they pop in there, suggesting things, immersing themselves into a conversation that has nothing to do with them; someone asks a question in the help channel? They're in there, sometimes genuinely helping/answering questions, but other times, not contributing anything helpful (we've asked them two times now to not chat there if they're not going to answer questions); You come on the general chat after a long day from work just to talk with your friends? They'll be there. And they'll tell you a long-winded story about what they're doing at that specific moment or what they accomplished that day. Anything you say, they'll change the conversation to be about themselves. 

 

It's possible to talk around them (by ignoring whatever they say, and just continuing the convo between the lines), but it's annoying. And as a staff, we want to encourage others to chat in our general chat channel, not be deterred by someone who's constantly gotta have the conversation revolving around themselves.

 

And we want them to be involved in the chat, too, but the way they do it is just... killing everyone else's willingness to hang out there with us. We want them to contribute to the chat, but we want them to acknowledge what's happening to other people or other's stories. Sometimes people just need to vent, and that's fine. Acknowledge them, don't ignore what they're saying only to contribute something that turns the conversation to be all about yourself. 

 

The only break we get from this person is when they're asleep, it seems. Otherwise, they are always around, hanging out in the chat.

 

The other staff and I are not really sure how to handle this situation. We don't know if a warning is the proper thing to do, but if it is, what should we say to this person without sounding like petty jerks? What points should we avoid, but which should we drive home? What should this member's punishment be, if there should be a punishment at all? 

 

No one talks in our General Chat Channel anymore except for us and them and a few other members that can deal with talking around this person, and we want to change that asap. 

 

As always, thank you RPG Initiative community. You guys are always so helpful ❤️

Anonymous poster hash: 9628e...c8c

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"Hey, while we appreciate that you like Site and the community we've noticed that you participate in the chat with such a high frequency that others have difficulty getting a word in.

 

We don't want to discourage your participation, but need you to reign it in a bit so that others can chat too. The chat is meant for everyone. We like chatting with you but we need you to tone it down so others are capable of discussing their plots and having their own conversations without your input.

 

Thanks for your understanding!"

 

If being polite doesn't work, call them out on it. Next time they start filling the chat a simple "Hey, X. Take it to pms so you don't blood the chat, please." given that they don't seem to be talking to anyone and just at people they won't be able to but it should get the point across. 

 

If that fails, a blunt "X, you aren't the topic right now." Might be needed.

 

As for punishment, mute them. And let them know. "We.asked you to stop flooding the box and injecting yourself into others conversation. You didn't so we're going to mute you for three days. Please use this time to watch the chat and see how others use it appropriately. We do enjoy talking to you but the chat is for everyone and people feel they cannot get a word in edgewise."

 

Also, three strikes your out. Mute them or ban them from the help channel.

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I for sure had a member that was like this. They drove us all nuts but at the same time was it really my place to get onto them for just being annoying? 

 

I introduced them to the RPG-D chat and I think this one too? Because it seemed like they were not interested in actually playing but just talking about it. And it really worked out. They are happy, we are happy, all are happy.

 

Also, I'm not sure if you are part of the RPG-I's discord but I would highly suggest seeing the way Morrigan has it set up. 

 

Maybe have a RL vent channel? 

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"Everyone has been doing so much soul searching during all of this,

and I'm just over here drawing pics of my character's dicks."

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OH MY GOD I DIDNT REALIZE YOU COULD MUTE PEOPLE. Not that I have a need for it, but this could be such a useful tool for potential problem chat members. 

 

Back to the problem though, it sounds like they need a warning of some kind, otherwise it's not going to stick. Flooding the chat all the time can be very problematic and stifling to other members, so if someone isn't aware they're doing it, then a warning and a muting for a day or two is totally warranted. It's not like they're being banned from the site or anything, and they can still see the stuff going on in chat. But maybe this will help them funnel that energy into posting or hitting up general chat on the forum itself? 

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a dark, urban fantasy;

inspired by sailor moon

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I don't like the idea of mentioning other chats since that's kinda pushing the problem off onto someone else. (Like, thanks. You couldn't stand up and tell them what the problem is/was, so they don't realise there is one and keep going on, and now the next person has to deal with it.)

 

I mean sometimes people just don't realise that they're causing an issue. They might be socially awkward and/or have trouble reading cues. Or maybe just oblivious. Or even potentially they think they're helping to keep the chat going. Now maybe they could be full on narcissistic and just not care. But the likelihood is just that they just don't realise they're causing a problem. (Though after you tell them, if they keep doing it? Well then, that's another story entirely.)

 

I firmly favour just sending them a polite reminder like:

Quote

 

Hey <name>,

I've noticed that in the chatbox everything you talk about is essentially about you... what you've been up to, what you're planning on doing, how you're feeling, etc... While it's great you feel at home and so comfortable we've noticed that this tends to dominate the conversation. It drowns everyone else out and people have avoided talking because they don't want to feel rude and interrupt. Now, I'm not asking you to never talk about yourself and all, but can you scale it back? Give others the chance to chat, ask them about their day, etc... 

 

Thanks for your understanding,

<your name>

 

I would also recommend sending it as a PM on site, not as a message on the chat or (if in discord) the personal chat there. Why? Because messaging them directly is never a good idea. If you send via discord direct message they're more apt to respond quickly in anger and the situation is easier to escalate. (You're already tense sending the message, they're fired up from reading it.) Plus in the heat of the moment it's extremely easy to phrase something poorly and say something you don't quite mean to. 

 

And if that PM fails, and they just don't figure out why no one wants to keeping hearing about their life, then move onto other measures. Possibly temporarily banning them from the chat is a good idea. (Would give everyone else a break from that user too, which can be nice.) 

 

For a discord based situation, the next time they start on about themselves you could even kick them from the channel. It doesn't stop them from rejoining right away, but it very distinctly sends the message that "I've asked you to stop before, I'm telling you to stop now. The next step is 'I'm done talking' and it's all the way to banhalla with you".

 

Though whenever it comes to people be ready just in case things go sour.  Take a minute and prepare yourself in this doesn't go how you want it to. 

Even mentioning other chats can be taken as an insult and have them erupt into a tantrum. So just be ready in case you have to ban them (possibly both from chat and site entirely, but at least the chat) and deal with the problem once and for all. 

"There are three sides to every story... Your side, their side, and then somewhere in the middle is the truth."
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Let's be frank:

 

This person does not understand that he/she cannot monopolize the discussion.  In fact, this person might not be aware that this is even happening.  Sending him/her a PM that's like, "Dude, you're talking too much and others can't get a word in edgewise" isn't going to go over as well as you'd like.

 

"Hey, Name,

 

I really appreciate that you're so enthusiastic about the site.  Your participation in the Discord and around the forums is clear indication of how much you love this board and the community.  However, people are having trouble participating in discussions because so many conversations revolve around your interests.  In order to have a healthy community, we all need to be respectful of the fact that others need opportunity to express themselves and participate--and that means that we also have to be able to listen to and encourage others.

 

I wanted to give you a head's up about this situation and ask that you monitor your participation a little more closely to avoid monopolization of discussion.  If you need a little guidance, try the following:

 

- Spend time listening to others without commenting.

- Ask people questions about their interests, characters, and hobbies when they're discussing them; don't draw the conversation back to you, but show them that you're paying attention to what they're saying.

- When you have time, read other people's threads and characters and find reasons why the characters and writing are great--let them know!

- Allow others to talk or vent without interrupting.

- Pause 30 seconds before sending a message to think about it before releasing it to the world--is that message needed?  Can it be said another way?  Should it wait a little longer?

- Take a break from the computer every now and again; get fresh air, go on a walk, draw a picture.

 

Communication is stupidly hard sometimes, and it's even more challenging on the internet when we can just snap messages back and forth.  But due to the fact that we don't all communicate in the same manner, we need to be aware of the interests and needs of others.  You're part of a great community, and it's a waste when somebody--yourself or any other member--doesn't get their opportunity to participate.

 

- Your Name"

 

Some may say that this message is too soft, to which I'd say, maybe.  But the ultimate reality is, as I mentioned, this person does not understand the basics of communication.  If you use too cold of a message, it's going to fall on deaf ears.

 

Notice that I avoid saying the word "you" - I don't say "I've been noticing that you monopolize the Discord" or "you haven't been allowing others to talk" or "nobody can get a word in edgewise because you have been talking nonstop about yourself."  Using the word "you" automatically makes people feel attacked.  It doesn't matter if you're approaching this with the best of interests.  When "you" appears, you're now pointing at that member saying, "YOU!"

 

The other thing is that I'm not polarizing the community.  That member is still part of the community, and I emphasize both at the beginning and the end that they are not excluded from it by any means.  I also don't use terms like "everybody" or "nobody" which would imply that the member is not part of the "everybody" group.  I also phrase it in a way in which it's clear that there is an issue, there are steps to resolve the issue, but the person isn't alone in this problem.  There is ample use of an inclusive "we" rather than "you" in order to not single the person out as a problem member but show them that we're a team that needs to work/communicate together.

 

But at the same time, it's not wishy-washy.  There is a clear problem and it is being addressed.  There isn't a "maybe you could..." sort of attitude.  Or "weeeeeell . . . you might be doing something wrong but I don't really want to scold you."  There is concreteness around it, guidelines, and directions to improve.

 

For this message, I did not include an "or else" sort of statement because I kind of assume that it's the first message of it's kind to go out.  If it continues to be a problem, you're going to have to form another PM and make it firmer, this time with an "if you don't do _____, then ______ will happen" sort of thing.

 

Also, I agree with not having this be on Discord but sending it through PM for all the reasons previously stated.

 

And as a final note, I want to point out that there are changes that should be made in addition to talking to this person.  On my last site, I added a "Grumblies" section to the Discord for people to moan about life so it was out of the general discussion.

 

In addition, you'll also want to facilitate healthy discussion so that people are encouraged to participate.  Folks might have given up on the Discord altogether since they were essentially "butted out" by the problem member, and they may not want to check it (or may not be in the habit of checking it) on a regular basis.  If necessary, give people prompts to talk about.

 

It is possible that the "problem member" actually wasn't the problem initially.  He/she might have been chattering so much because nobody else was talking and the silence had to be filled in one manner or another.  Then when people tried to participate, they couldn't because that member was so used to having to drive "discussions" (soliloquies?) by him/herself.

 

Thus, do not look at that one member as the root of all problems.

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A lot of the time it does seem to be their desire to fill up any "silence" that pops up. Which is all well and good except there's nothing WRONG with silence and it's annoying to everyone else trying to do anything.

 

As for shoving them off on other Discords... It's a double edged sword. On one hand: Yes, seems like you're giving someone else your problem. But it also gives this person other outlets they might not have. (As far as we know, the site is literally their only socialization and they want to be friends with these people and the only way they know how to do that is oversharing/talking.) By offering them another outlet, you're giving them more places to make friends/socialize. But it depends on how they come across in chat, of course. 

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I just wanted to say thank you to all of you! I was able to craft a proper warning message to send them, and I couldn't have done it without all of your help! 

Anonymous poster hash: 9628e...c8c

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9 hours ago, Anonymous said:

I just wanted to say thank you to all of you! I was able to craft a proper warning message to send them, and I couldn't have done it without all of your help! 

 

 

Good to see this all worked out for you! I agreed with the muting and such for sure.

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