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Anonymous

Staffing Friends joining your board

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Has anyone else ever had to deal with friends joining your board and wanting special perks? I'm dealing with this currently, they broke a rather big character rule on the board and I, like any admin, reached out and told them it wasn't allowed. If I'd allowed this rule to be broken it would open up a can of worms and I don't need that stress. So now they are being passive aggressive towards me in rp and real life. I don't feel like I did anything wrong, I addressed them like I would any other member on the board. 

 

I don't think giving perks to friends is a good way to run a board and really it has a major potential to blow up in your face. The rules we've set aren't hard but they should be followed by everyone, including staff but for some reason, this isn't clicking with them. Them acting like this though is really annoying me to the point that I don't want to interact with them unless I have to as a staffer. Friend wise, the passive aggressiveness has to go. I can't allow them to do something and tell the next person no.

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I've had friends join my forums before and some have admin'd with me. They know going in with me that they are treated like everyone else and that the rules apply to them as well. You, in my opinion, did nothing wrong in the least. I fully agree that it's the best way to run a forum. 

 

As for the friend and their behavior, I would speak privately to them and let them know that their behavior is bothering you. If they're really a friend things get talked out and move on from there. If you talk to them and it continues, then maybe take some time to evaluate the friendship part of things. This is just what I would do if actually in that same situation. I would be firm about how I felt about things but remind them they're still my friend. I hope it all works out for you.

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I have friends join boards all the time, and you would not believe how often they think they're going to be given the special snowflake treatment and then... somehow are blind-sided when they're treated like everyone else? (I've never been one to play favorites, even in real life. I'm incredibly #lawful and incredibly #logical, so.... iono what they're thinking.)

 

Anyway, if it's becoming an issue, I'd chat with them voice/face to face because it's easier for them to understand you and you to understand them that way than over text. ^^ Sort it out, explain that everyone gets treated the same, but it doesn't change anything between the two of you. Hopefully they'll understand. 

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I guess I can see how someone who knows you IRL would think that they have some nifty privilege.  They likely know you (or they think they know you) better than all the "strangers" online you've never met.

 

But I do agree that you can't go around giving them special things or holding them in higher value than other members.  Thus, I believe you were correct in addressing the breakage of the character rule.

 

I suggest talking with the person again and explaining that you'd like to allow it (or whatever) but that you can't allow folks to break the rules, yourself included.  Everybody has to follow the same guidelines to make the RP run smoothly.  Explain that you're hurt / offended / weirded out that you feel that the person is treating you inappropriately since you corrected him/her.

 

In a way, you can't really address this person like you do "any other person on the board" because they aren't any other person on the site.  This is someone with whom you have a different sort of bond, and you have a quite different relationship with him/her.  You have to tailor your responses differently to someone you know IRL than you would to someone who just joined the site to whom you've talked very little.  So the issue might not have been what you said but how it was said.

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I've recently become an admin with two of my friends, and I understand this issue. I've been an admin several times beforehand, and when friends expect special treatment really puts a strain on the friendship. However, I have to believe that if they expect special treatment and react badly when it isn't given, then were they really your friend? They should be the person to understand that you can't give special treatment, the most? If they would say that someone else can't do it to you, why would they expect to be able to, you know?

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Thankfully, none of my RL friends were ever into RPing. Although, my first assumption would be that having an RL friend is advantageous in that you can corner them face-to-face and ask them why they want special board-breaking treatment so bad and why they're acting like its a personal insult if you don't let them break the rules. 

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I've ended friendships over this. Petty? Maybe, but in the end if they think they can use your friendship to get something during your happy funtimes, whats stopping them from doing it elsewhere? (Turns out, they usually are doing it elsewhere but you just might not notice it for what it is.)

 

You could always bluntly tell this person "Hey, I can't do things everyone else isn't allowed to, so neither can you. While I trust you not to do the stupid stuff that these rules are here to prohibit, if I gave you special treatment, everyone else would be expecting it and that's a good way for the site to crash and burn and then we'd both be out of a site."

 

If they keep up their pouting, it is all on them. You've tried. They're being a child. You could also try to go farther and reach out and do things non-site related and dodge the topic if they try to bring it up, or (even better, IMO) specifically try to focus the conversation on plots the pair of you might have together.

 

I regularly drag my friends into sites I run. I currently run one with 1 friend of ~20 years ( @Aerona) and one of ~10 years ( @Kittenmitten) With several other long term friends on board that haven't once expected special treatment. (Except maybe @jenneral_jennson, but she's demanding. ;D ) They know better than to expect it because, shock and awe, they're adults that don't mind playing by the rules and earning their special things like everyone else. Plus they don't want to cause trouble for ME, which is how friends should approach any friend-turned-staff.

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Thank you guys for your input, they really put me between a rock and a hard place with this one. When I talked to them I was nice about it, I don't think I could have said it any nicer than I did. I had my normal heeey you tone I have with my friends. Anyways though, I think a reason it bothering me so badly too was that I've been a staff member with this friend before on a different board. So they knew the rules and restrictions and it really blindsided me when they broke the same rules when they knew better and therefore making my job harder. They have since been ignoring me and taking it out on my characters *sighs* Talking to them is like talking to a wall soooo I'm going to just let it be. I don't regret saying something, this rule break would have been massive and I've worked too hard to see my board blown up over it. I don't think some people understand how heavy our admin caps really are 😕

Anonymous poster hash: 03cea...f8f

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I feel like most everything has been covered here but I just wanted to throw my two cents in here. 

 

Favoritism can ruin a site, I've seen it happen. Members start to resent the member who is recieving the favoritism and they might stop playing with them altogether and they lose trust in the admins. 

 

i think if it comes up again with your friend maybe explain to them that 1) everyone has to follow the rules - even the admins and 2) that part of the reason you couldn't allow your friend to break the rules (aside from the obvious) was in her best interest. That if the other members saw it they would be jealous that she was getting special treatment and it could very well ruin your friend's experience on the site because people don't want to play with someone they're jealous of. Maybe also tell them how even allowing small rules to be broken by a select few can completely ruin a site and breakdown a community. 

 

 

But those are just my thoughts, I personally think that favoritism from the staff is one of the most destructive things for a roleplay site (and I mean favoritism as in getting things other people can't - not the staff having favored people they thread with because everyone has favored RP partners). 

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You can't really give a friend perks anyway. What might seem to be a small thing (such as letting them have a character type you wouldn't usually allow, for instance) could become a headache if they decided to be rude to other members of the site and generally behave badly. A less 'mature' friend might think that they can do that if you didn't stick to your guns.

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Ugh, YES. They continuously complained the rules were too strict or I was "picking on them" more, when in reality we just wanted them to follow the same rules as the others. They eventually got upset and left, it was a bit of a headache. Especially since our rules were pretty lenient compared to most.

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So, nepotism is a thing. Everyone expects something, and they use their connections to get them. That's what your friends did here, and that's not cool. Honestly, if they're being passive aggressive over that in real life, then they need to nut up because that's not cool. This behavior will get them nowhere. With anybody. Just stand by your word, bruh.

 

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I love RPing with my friends but I hate when they join my sites. They don't like being told what to do by me and I feel awkward reminding them of rules. The site I just made, I made partly because I knew none of them watched or liked the show and would never be interested in joining but I also didn't tell them I'd made it (I told one of them yesterday and threw it in to casual conversation like I thought they already knew about it). It's also why my best friend and I don't admin sites together, she never pulled her weight and it's awkward telling her that she has to do something, we fell our majorly for months last time we tried to run a site together.

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Friends joining your board is a double-edged sword. I've had a few issues that I've had to deal with myself and sometimes they have gotten testy with me but I stood firm. I've cut ties with a lot of them for causing massive drama and stress to the point where I knew our friendship wouldn't survive and I'm happier for it. Friends shouldn't do that and if they do they aren't really friends to begin with.

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