Staffing Struggling With A Good Member Gone Sour

[Anonymous 234]

So we have a member I will just call Dude. This person has been a member of our site for a long time and he was probably one of our leading members. Very active. Super creative and we adored his characters SO much. Within the time-frame of a month, they had several characters and were very in tune with what what happening on the site. Jumped into plots. Kept up with their small army of characters. Seriously, they were the best member ever. Until he took offense to something one of our staff was doing...

 

The issue arose surrounding Dude waiting for posts. Which this is why we have relaxed activity requirements and no activity checks, some of us are slow and others don't post in a certain order. Dude had an issue with someone not responding to threads in order, sort of taking it personally that one other person was posting elsewhere while Dude was waiting on a tag from them. (Which Dude messaged ME about instead of the person he was waiting on, I advised them to message them and two days later they got a tag. Assumed they talked it out, guess not come to find out.). Fast forward a few more weeks. Dude flips his lid when someone else admits to forgetting a thread after he rudely told them '-cough- we've been waiting on you', in spite of not being a committed participant to a group thread because she said she might add her character to the thread but never got around to it I believe? It turned into a fest of sarcastic remarks of 'you should use thread trackers, that IS what you have them for...' and then saying 'you have granny memory but its cool, i'm just an ass', and 'i don't really like the notion of someone's post/thread being forgettable'. Really it all smacked of them taking something entirely too personally. They got really passive aggressive and it ended abruptly when we told them to stop. Staff labeled that incident as an emotional meltdown (it was seriously THAT off the wall) and shrugged it off.

 

Since this incident they have shown less desire to be active. Perpetually busy which spiraled into having trouble keeping up with what is going on. Even after seeming to patch things up they are almost never around, when previously they were checking in on discord every day even on their busiest work days. They popped in to say they had real life get in the way and would be slow. Then they pooffed. They have rarely visited the site and we are considering archiving all of his characters on the basis that activity in the past three to four months have been less than minimal. Maybe one or two posts from each character, one of which is an important role. We tried reaching out to him to check and make sure he was okay because straight up vanishing was weird for him. No response. Only a few weeks later did we get a member that was interested in one of Dude's wanted ads. I informed them that Dude was having a rough patch and probably wouldn't respond but to message him and ask, to which this member says 'oh we already chatted about it'. So... -shrug-

 

And after that another week of continued silence and inactivity. We are considering reaching out the check on him one more time and if no response then to just archive all his characters until he returns. To us, that seems like the most logical thing, even if they return within a week of archive the laundry list of posts he owes in threads that are MONTHS old, is a hard climb to make plus everyone else has sort of moved on... so it would probably be easier and less stressful for him to return and sort of start fresh with a bit of a time jump. All he has to do is show up and resubmit his characters. At this point I really don't think they will return, i feel it in my gut but who knows, he might surprise me.

Anonymous poster hash: 332f8...f16

[Jacob 58]

Anyone can fall from grace, even if noble in our perspective.  Your member's behavior warrants chastisement.  I don't like heckling, nor should the lady.  Just archive the man's roles.  He can get them back, but do pull him aside.  I owned a venue myself, so that's what I'd have done.

Edited August 21, 2018 by Jacob

[CovertSphinx 710]

Meh, he's already proven that his sour attitude has killed his desire to RP on your site or with your current members.

 

Some possible explanations may include (but aren't limited to): 

+  He's stubbornly not willing to completely give up the site because of his longevity and emotional connection to the past, but also is just disgusted/angry/hurt every time he opens the page.
+ He is embarrassed that he acted like a childish tool and feels awkward every time he comes onto the site.
+ Dude might HONESTLY feel 'abandoned' as a member. If he began to perceive that HIS threads were always the ones that everyone* (*figuratively) was forgetting, the 'tantrum' could have very well been less about not replying "in order" and more about feeling that nobody wanted to RP with his characters anymore. He may think members were replying out of prodded obligation only. In which case, the reason he's not replying to staff inquiries is very likely because he feels abandoned by the Staff for not understanding an issue that he may or may not have conveyed in a way you guys understood.

Personally I would just archive and not say anything more (assuming that by whatever rules of your site he's actually ELIGIBLE for archival; don't archive if you're doing it for the sake of being upset at the inactivity). Either way, you've lost him as a member and if you let it fester ICly he'll kill half your site at the same time in a slow burn. 

[Anonymous 234]

At least I am comfortable knowing we aren't doing anything rash. We are all really put out by this.

 

To be honest though the second instance(the really strange? Because it was a thread meant to involve three characters: Dude's, Member's, and Staffer's(the person he blew up on). Member posted, then Dude posted and apparently Member was waiting on Staffer. Dude took it upon himself to be offended on their behalf, Member was even older and very loyal person to our site. So the only one with a problem was Dude (and it had only been a few days since Dude replied to that thread) because Staffer sure didn't hear anything from Member. Man i hope that makes sense. 

 

Thank you both of you. 

Anonymous poster hash: 332f8...f16

[Elena 546]

I see just an accute miscommunication going sour, from both sides. And I agree with archiving the inactive person's characters, maybe after reaching once more in a communication attempt.

[Jaxx 317]

Honestly, what you guys are considering doing is what I'd be doing in your situation. Whatever the reason for his getting distant, I doubt he's going to come back around any time soon, especially since it's been so long since he's been active. Maybe say you're unaware of any issues that may be making him feel unwelcome, regarding both staff and members, and would be happy to discuss them if something's happened. Could be he's not bothering to tell you about something that happened because he got the impression that you wouldn't care or wouldn't do anything and he just wanted to cut his losses. 

[xexes 108]

I think you're thinking too hard on it, it's actually really simple. 

 

Your site was Dude's home. He lived and breathed there and cherished it. Then, one day, he discovered that his home was not the place that he thought it was. The site's relaxed attitude about orders and posting simply wasn't compatible with who he was and what he wanted. This was the staffer  incident. He was Shocked. The silent period where he seemed to have talked everything out was the Denial - "Surely this was just a one time thing, I'll just let it go...". Then, the emotional outburst, Anger.  Bargaining probably happened as he tried to find some mechanism to still balance, but was failing and becoming more distant.  Then, Depression, Acceptance, and all the rest of The Stages of Grief in the loss of his home as he faded out. He lost his loved one. No, he's not coming back.

Despite the great member that he was before, he has shown you that who your site is isn't what's best for him. His "Life is busy" is one of those kind closure statements where you never really know the whole truth. It's in your best interest if now you all you let him go. While it seems that you are concerned about him as a person, there is also the other side of this sword that makes it seem like you are more concerned about all the plots that he was tangled in and all the activity that he brought. Sadly, the two-edged sword is the way of things. 

 

Even if he were to come back, the site that you are is not the site that he wants. That can only change if he changes. And that kind of change usually takes years.

[Morrigan 1,826]

My thoughts:

*This is for the member not the staff.

 

I would explain more but I've been that member before and to be honest, once the staff has burned you, you don't want to be there anymore. The most polite way to go away is to ghost.

[Shades 676]

Will have to agree there. 

This member just doesn't want to be there anymore. Let them be. Wait the time you'd wait for anyone else and archive their stuff. I've been the member who fell out of love with a site in the past too. I just left, though, didn't see the point in resorting to passive-aggressive behavior.

 

But once someone feels like they don't want to be there anymore, all anyone else can do is respect that. If they ever want to come back, they know the way.

[Sage 289]

I've seen this behavior and what I did in the past was just offer up some side rps for them. RP is finicky - people reply at their own paces according to their own muses. You can't enforce rules like order or whatever. So when they're feeling impatient, suggest some outlets for that frustration. Your site doesn't have to be their only site. If they've got the muse and the time for more, then give them more! That's what I use affiliates for - and why I can be a stickler for active affiliates with good content/communities. Because that's where I push my members to go when my site isn't doing it for them. When you direct them to another site, it's not to replace yours, it's just to give them a new group of people to write with that are going at a different pace. So that should fill up their free time between posts on your site.

 

All that said though, your member is being super touchy about dumb stuff. I'd archive his chars and move on. But my advice above is something to keep in mind for next time this happens. Because trust me, it will.