Staffing Advice on friend/often times staff partner

[Jerriah 9]

This is probably a dumb thing to ask, but I didn't see any forum that would relate to advice, haha! Anyhow, so I have this really good friend who I always help make sites with, and she always helps me make sites. But lately, all the sites that I've helped her with hasn't gone well. Well, I decided that I was going to make my own roleplay site without any assistance (I was very inspired, and I'm super stoked to open it tomorrow), but I didn't tell her about lolol. Now I'm feeling pretty sneaky and guilty on if I should offer her a staff position on it, or even be like "hey, do you want to join it?" She's had a history of exploding easily and getting angry over little petty things (we had a fight about 2 years ago that resulted in her cutting me off completely over an item in a SIM Game. She later apologized to me this January, and we've been friends since) and disappearing off the grid, leaving me as the only staff to run the site.

 

Any advice?

Edited July 25, 2018 by Haley21

[Dragon 673]

If you have to sneak around to feel comfortable then she's not really a friend. You're allowed to have your own projects without approval. There's no reason you should feel pressured to include anyone else. The fact that you felt the need to ask advice from the community says that you're caught up in toxicity with this other person. 

 

You created something that you are interested and invested in. That is awesome. 

 

Do not apologize to her. Do not offer her a position on your staff - you've admitted yourself that she's a flake. You've acknowledged that she doesn't have the sort of patient, even temperament required to run a site. You don't even have a reason to tell her you started this site. 

 

Find others that are as excited as you are and work with them. Don't anchor yourself down to some self centered twat that is only going to tear down everything you built. 

 

 

[Arceus 1,082]

Hmmmph kay.

 

This 'friend' of yours sounds like several people I used to know. Everything was fine and dandy as long as they were included in everything I did, and much of the conversations we had revolved around them and their characters and their problems and their yadda yadda yadda. Note the used to know.

 

Here's the deal; this is emotional manipulation/abuse in its subtlest of forms. May or may not be intentional, but there it is. If this 'friend' is anything like these people I used to know, she's gonna throw an unholy fit from Tartarus the second she figures out you did something without her. That's emotional abuse, and it's not okay. If she throws her fit, leave her in fitlandia. This person does not seem to view you as a friend, only as a beneficial accessory, based on just what you've said here.

 

Sometimes they really seem to care and consider you a friend, and you question everything - that is a hallmark of emotional abuse. I've had to let plenty of 'friends' like this go their own way over the years, a couple just recently, actually, and yeah it sucks, but you'll breathe easier. The fact you're concerned about this just underscores why it'd be a good idea to let her fit-pitch her way out of your life. Bonus points to, she's not even all that reliable in the end.

 

Good riddance if she goes.

 

You could, theoretically, also bring these concerns to your friend, if she does pitch her little fit - just point out how unfair and controlling she's being. Sometimes these things just happen, and the other party does not realise they're being toxic. I won't deny sometimes I am the walking poster child for accidental abusers. But the thing is, I try doing better. Those that really are toxic, won't.

[Gothic 307]

I'm going to have to agree with the people above me. 

 

1 hour ago, Haley21 said:

This is probably a dumb thing to ask, but I didn't see any forum that would relate to advice, haha! Anyhow, so I have this really good friend who I always help make sites with, and she always helps me make sites. But lately, all the sites that I've helped her with she decided "hey, let's not do this, how about this?" Well, I decided that I was going to make my own roleplay site without any assistance (I was very inspired, and I'm super stoked to open it tomorrow), but I didn't tell her about lolol. Now I'm feeling pretty sneaky and guilty on if I should offer her a staff position on it, or even be like "hey, do you want to join it?" She's had a history of exploding easily and getting angry over little petty things (we had a fight about 2 years ago that resulted in her cutting me off completely over an item in a SIM Game. She later apologized to me this January, and we've been friends since) and disappearing off the grid for weeks at a time, leaving me as the only staff to run the site.

 

Any advice?

 

Bolded for emphasis. 

 

It doesn't sound like a healthy friendship to me. It sounds like you don't want her on your site at all (and from what I've seen here, I can see why.) Ultimately you have to do what works best for you although in this case. It sounds like you two do not work well together. Offering someone a staff position should be done because they have the potential to be a good staff member. Not because you are worried about them having a tantrum. 

 

If you want to maintain the friendship with her. Tell her that you felt the need to hide it from her and that she tends to explode easily. Either she will see it and understand. Or she won't. 

 

[Jaxx 317]

This is all probably hard for you to hear. But what's been said above is exactly right.Let me put it this way. If you weren't familiar with this person, and a member on your site came to you with this story about a stranger - what would you do? Hopefully, if you heard that another person on your site had been rude and aggressive, and kept flaking, you wouldn't keep them around. Going into a site with the intention of giving your friends special treatment is likely to eventually bite you in the butt. A lot of people will ghost on a site, or not even join it in the first place, if they realise that not everybody is being held to the same standard.

[Jerriah 9]

Thank you guys! All the comments really helped me figure out what to do ^^ ❤️

[Morrigan 1,826]

I don't necessarily agree or disagree with above honestly.

 

I think there is a problem that you haven't told the person but sometimes people are dumb. That doesn't make a toxic relationship but it definitely can reach that point. It really depends on why you're scared @Haley21. Are you scared because you didn't ask her to build it with you? Are you scared because you are afraid she wants to be staff and you're afraid she'll flake? Are you scared she'll stop RPing with you?

 

Each of those things are different answers for me.