Staffing Tyrant Admins

[Morrigan 1,826]

Unfortunately, I'm not able to contribute to this. There are always 2 sides to every story and without having first hand from the two sides actually involved it is, unfortunately, not something I would readily weigh in on with a comment that give either Anon (the friend of the person involved) or the person actually involved any sort of viable or useful feedback.

 

I can provide a few words of advice:

• Issues get blown out of proportion all of the time. In roleplay we are all artists and our emotions run deep within us and they often control us. We tend to get upset easily especially when there is a miscommunication or something isn't understood because of these emotions. This is often conveyed to friends while emotions are high and the misunderstanding still exists. We all love to rant, everyone knows I do, but that doesn't mean that what was said was the whole story or even all completely accurate. We all say things to friends to justify our beliefs and actions, especially while upset.
• Communication is key. Once emotions calm down is the best point to actually reach out to the other party and truly discuss the rift. We all preach it but sometimes we don't practice it even though it is the only way to resolve issues. To me Anon should have listened, like any good friend, and maybe look objectively (which is hard because it is your friend and they are upset) and maybe direct them to the source of the problem, the admin that they are upset with. If it's something that, in the end, can be resolvable that is really the only way to do it. If they think it's unresolvable then there is no point to even debate it, the best course is to leave and the topic likely should have never been started.

 

We all get emotionally involved in our roleplays and our sites that we love AND we all have opinions and this causes issues that sometimes are hard to get over. I always, personally, get both sides of any story and investigate myself. Without that, there is no sides.

 

I do think that the situation is hard, being that the person is the admin and the friend is not, but the staffer should have reached out to attempt to resolve the issue once emotions calmed down and if a resolution could not be reached, left.

[Quell 249]

I am a talk it out and get to the bottom of it to find a solution kind of person. I would suggest to your friend to speak to the admin as a friend. Discuss how they both feel, find a way to resolve it without cutting ties unless necessary. 

 

There are ways to disagree on fundamental ideas without burning bridges, and if your friend loves the site, enjoys the roleplay, and has a good time with stuff that isn't admining, then maybe it is time to step down without making a big hubbub. ^^ 

 

People transition from being players to staff and staff to players all the time from what I have seen! No reason it has to be a cut and run scenario, in my opinion. 

[xexes 108]

My initial instincts are to cut and run, but I recognize this friend has invested a lot of time and love in this site. If your friend really doesn't want to leave, I might wait for a little bit, a time when the head admin is calm, approachable, and not busy, and very privately request if it's okay to talk about something that's been bothering them, and perhaps explain how they feel all people are equal and deserve impartial judgement. There's a chance - and it's a small chance - that the admin will realize that they've gotten too big for their britches and have an attitude adjustment, but they cannot be told these things, the realization must come from within or else they will be combative and defensive. But, there's also a chance that this immature admin will just keep on being immature and no positive change will come of it.  I will tell you that I used to try to help people a lot more than I do now, and what I feel are truly teachable moments are only a fraction of how much I would try to help other people before and get kicked for it. 

 

I understand the fear that your friend is going through. One thing that I have learned from living with someone who had anger management issues is you begin to live in fear, you change your life and who you are to avoid bad situations, and eventually you come to the hopeless realization that you cannot control the other person, and they're going to do what they feel like doing and as long as you are there, you're in for the ride. All of the pain and agony and mental health rebuilding isn't worth it. 

 

If your friend does leave, encourage them to find themselves again, and to work their way through grief and anger and perhaps to come to find peace in being disappointed in that admin as a person. 

 

I agree with others that we do not know the whole story. I understand the strength in a united staff front. But I see that this is a hard working staffer who is trying to be fair to others, and I believe that it is wrong to tell someone else how to judge - I think everyone should be able to read up on the situation and decide for themselves. 

[Rhindeer 217]

Rune touched on some good questions!

 

AS A PLAYER:

Do you leave a goodbye note?

As a player, I would probably leave a goodbye note. I wouldn't give details and would keep it vague, and I would give suggestions as to what to do with my characters to tie up loose ends.

Do you tell your friends why you're leaving?

I would tell the people I'm close to.

Do you try to make peace first?

Maybe? It all depends. See below!

Do you call the admin out (in private, of course) to try to hash it out?

I did that once upon a time! I was young and brash and disagreed with an admin and called her out, we bickered back and forth, I took my toys and went and made my own game (SotE). And then when the dust cleared...we made peace and came to an understanding and wound up becoming BFFs for many, many years, until life took us in different directions.

 

So it can work! And it can work out beautifully! I think I would initially try, test the waters and all that, and see if they were receptive to talking it out--and most importantly, if they were willing to really listen. If so, then hey, we can talk it out like adults! But if they're gonna double down, then I'm not gonna try too hard. There are tons of fish in the sea, and I've gotten to a point in my life where I'm just not too keen on wasting time on trying to rehabilitate actual jerks.

 

AS AN ADMIN

How do you handle it if someone thinks you're being a bag of dicks?

I'm a talk it out sort of person. So if anyone actually complained, I'd try to talk to them. If they're just talking about me behind my back, I'll ignore it, because honestly I don't have the energy to manage peoples' feelings and I'm not about to get drawn into some catty he said, she said telephone nonsense. Unless it's said to my face, I'm not gonna worry about it, and they can think what they want.

 

But if it was brought to me, hey, let's talk! Maybe there was a misunderstanding?

 

But lmao, I actually did have it happen once where someone compared me to Stalin (no joke) and called me a dictator and made a big stink about it. Said person was mad that I'd banned them for being repeatedly racist and homophobic, and I happily agreed that I am indeed the benevolent dictator of my game. So, of course, it's all situational. I didn't lose any sleep over that. Another player once ran a smear campaign against me over petty BS because I stopped threading with them because they were harassing and stalking me and stressing me out and being super passive aggressive, and I'd had enough. (And I had talk to them about the issue multiple times before I finally went nuclear.) Again, didn't lose sleep over that. They can think I'm a bag of dicks all they want, I am not gonna feel bad about enforcing boundaries.

 

So again, it all depends. Am I a bag of dicks to them because I won't tolerate their bad behavior? Or am I a bag of dicks to them because there's been a misunderstanding between us over something? I've definitely had it happen where people have read my "tone" wrong, which sort of changed the entirety of what I wrote and how it came across, y'know? Anyway, one of those things I don't care about, and the other is something I'd love the opportunity to talk out and fix.

[Morrigan 1,826]

15 minutes ago, xexes said:

I understand the strength in a united staff front. But I see that this is a hard working staffer who is trying to be fair to others, and I believe that it is wrong to tell someone else how to judge - I think everyone should be able to read up on the situation and decide for themselves. 

 

I do want to disagree with that. While we aren't company sites as a roleplay a staff is basically a volunteer employee of the site that they represent. If there is something that represents or tarnishes that brand or site there is actually a really good reason a staff member would choose to avoid or admonish something that could go against or even fuck with that brand. @Viscount Rhi-Rhi just touched a little on it. If it's not something you want to promote or someone you want to promote there is no reason that a staff member can't say "please don't react/respond/acknowledge that" without actually being rude or overbearing as an administrator.

 

I personally advocate a cull behavior through behavior process.

 

What does that mean? It means that if you don't approve of behavior or specific actions then instead of admonishing it you ignore it. It's the same thing some parents do to get attention seeking children to stop seeking attention. They tend to act out more or do it more if you provide the feedback that they are looking for. It doesn't ALWAYS work and sometimes a reprimand is required but reprimand through ignoring unapproved behavior is a gentler touch than warnings and PMs.

[Verridith 66]

Communication is indeed key. If an admin has a problem with a member, as the original post suggests, then that admin needs to approach the member directly and talk over what problems exist and how to approach them. It shouldn't be the place of the admin to expect their staff to react coldly to a particular member just because an admin has an issue - however petty or serious - with that individual. Communicating with the problem member should be ideal - maybe anon's friend can touch on this with said admin, and the problem can be addressed?

 

Like Morrigan said, emotions can run high even the best of times among staff. Especially on a large-scale r/p site with lots and lots of members.Communication is key and there are things both admins and staff can do to make the process easier.

 

...That being said, there are still tyrant admins out there. Some cannot change, and will never change. If the admin does not bend to communication and continues to be toxic, get the hell out before it hurts you. Tell your r/p partners in private that you're leaving, wrap up threads, but ain't nobody got time for shit and it's not healthy besides. Best of luck to anon and their friend! ❤️

[Shades 676]

@Rune - I'm answering with the assumption that original poster is portraying the situation correctly and with a toxic site in mind:

 

Do you leave a goodbye note? Yes, just so people know I won't be around anymore, but I keep it as neutral as possible (I often say something like I'm too busy or anything non-confrontational because I hate leaving a mess behind for anyone to clean up.

 

Do you tell your friends why you're leaving? Yes, but only those I have contact with off-site.

 

Do you try to make peace first? It depends on how bad the situation is. If the person I have a problem with is reasonable, I may try. If they're not, I'll just quietly leave. Though sometimes even if I can make peace with the person, the experience may have been soured already and I may end up leaving anyway, but on more positive terms.

 

Do you call the admin out to try to hash it out? Again, depends on how (un)reasonable the person is. For a nice/reasonable person who seems to be in over their head, I may try to kindly point out what went wrong (though I might still leave anyway). If the person is actively toxic, nah. I don't waste my time because the last thing I want is someone who has access to at least one email address of mine to decide to harass me after I leave the site.

[Deep Sea 326]

When I ran into this issue.... well, I wish I had seen the writing on the wall. Are you sure you aren't me, Anonymous?

 

Here's my take, based on my experience: It wasn't worth staying. Roleplaying is a fun hobby, but I'm not getting paid for it. I'm here to have fun and help the community, NOT be someone's punching bag., and I'm sure as fuck not there to be an indirectly encouraging bystander to internet bullying.

 

By all means, the staffer should try to make peace with the admin. But if it doesn't work.... cut the losses, okay? And if they do your friend dirty, your friend should be honest about it. Because I was in a very, very similar boat and it doesn't get better. It just gets swept under the rug, and then there's bitterness and resentment all around.

[Rune 1,099]

And if your double lucky the admin in question gets their cronies to make your life more difficult to try to force you off without being the bad guy themselves and banning you.

 

Those are always fun.