Staffing Member who won't let go

[Honorem 219]

Bit of trouble here that I'd like some advice on.

 

- Member whines daily on cbox because not every female on the site will write smut with him. Passive aggressive, whiny, you name it.

- Uses depression as an excuse. But happens to be completely cheery if a female is paying attention to him or his character. If not then the depression apparently strikes again.

- I tell member to cut it out several times, he promises to but is back doing it days later.

- I eventually catch member in one of these woe is me meltdowns as it's happening and tell him to 'cut it out'.

- Member responds by saying he'll go commit suicide. Leaves us hanging for an hour then comes back trying to apologise. Has pissed everyone off and legitimately traumatised people.

 

Naturally, gave him a big fat ban. Only problem? They have a dynamic IP, so I can't effectively ban.

So I told them in PM to please leave and find another site.

A day later they came back on a different IP and said 'hey I'm getting help, I'm much better!'

I told them again to go find another site.

 

In the mean time, he is contacting newer members of my site (the ones who don't know his toxic history), and playing the victim to them, telling them he's been unfairly treated.

 

I didn't hear from him directly until last week. He adds me on steam and tells me how 'good he's doing', begging to come back. I say no, delete and block.

 

Today he arrived in our cbox just casually acting as though he's on a voluntary break and can come back at any time, talking to a member about plotting. I delete the entire convo and explain in PM to that member the situation, they understand and all fine there.

 

But he is always lurking. I cannot ban him because he has a dynamic IP.

 

I will not consider letting him back, it's completely out of the question. He has burned bridges with like ten of the old guard established members and letting him back would piss all of them off. This is for the good of the community, the needs of many over the needs of one.

 

But what else can I do? IP block his entire country?

Edited March 25, 2017 by Honorem

[Elena 546]

Blocking a whole country isn't a solution. But telling him that he isn't welcome back and sticking to it is the best solution. Ultimately he'll have to let go. Repeating firmly, until he understands, that he is not welcome and he blew all his chances and HE IS BANNED might help. No debate and no explaining more. Just repeating this.

[Icewolf 258]

Best thing to do, I think, is not engage him. Just block, ban and delete his messages. I've seen plenty of people on twitter use depression and suicide threats as a way to manipulate people, but although you can't be sure for certain that they don't suffer from it, most people seem to use it to get attention. And why does he harass the writers of female characters? Is it because he's only interested in writing smut? I think your members would be relieved if everyone just ignored him. I'm not sure which software you use, but does he use the same e-mail address? Perhaps you could ban him from that? (I know how much of a pain it is when there is someone who just won't go away - last year I blocked 40+ twitter accounts run by a person who was nearly always rude to me and made accounts just to spy on people - as you can only block accounts and not ips or mobile numbers it's very easy for folks to just make a new account to try and follow you.)

[VirusZero 176]

Blocking an entire country is doable... But it takes a lot of time unless you use either .htaccess with a compiled list of IPs in CIDR format or a plugin. Without the .htaccess or plugin you have to ban large IP ranges and most countries have a fair number of them. Additionally it's going to affect a lot of innocent people (people that might not even be in that same country. Like if a country uses 2.16.159.20, but from 2.16.159.120 up could be another country entirely.)

 

This is a small, and I do stress that, sample of Russian IPs in CIDR format.

Spoiler

deny from 2.16.159.0/24
deny from 2.16.160.0/23
deny from 2.16.168.0/24
deny from 2.60.0.0/14
deny from 2.92.0.0/14
deny from 5.1.48.0/21
deny from 5.2.32.0/19
deny from 5.3.0.0/16
deny from 5.8.0.0/19
deny from 5.8.32.0/21
deny from 5.8.40.0/22
deny from 5.8.48.0/20
deny from 5.8.64.0/19
deny from 5.8.160.0/20
deny from 5.8.176.0/21
deny from 5.8.192.0/19
deny from 5.8.224.0/20
deny from 5.11.64.0/20
deny from 5.16.0.0/14
deny from 5.22.153.0/24
deny from 5.22.155.0/24
deny from 5.23.48.0/23
deny from 5.23.52.0/22
deny from 5.23.96.0/20
deny from 5.28.16.0/20
deny from 5.32.144.0/21
deny from 5.35.0.0/17
deny from 5.35.128.0/19
deny from 5.39.160.0/21
deny from 5.39.200.0/21
deny from 5.39.222.0/25
deny from 5.42.0.0/17
deny from 5.43.128.0/19
deny from 5.43.240.0/21
deny from 5.44.0.0/20
deny from 5.44.40.0/21
deny from 5.44.48.0/20
deny from 5.44.168.0/21
deny from 5.45.64.0/19
deny from 5.45.113.0/24
deny from 5.45.192.0/21
deny from 5.45.200.0/22
deny from 5.45.204.0/23
deny from 5.45.207.48/28

The reason why CIDR is used is because it's more precise than wildcard bans. A CIDR note of 5.45.207.48/28 means it'll block the last octet from .48 to .63, a wildcard on the other hand blocks from .0 to .255. (Basically the lower the number after the trailing slashmark the more it'll match. ex- 0.0.0.0/0 blocks everything.)

 

If you're self-hosted then there may be another option anyway, there's a mod for some softwares called MiserableUser Mod. The premise is that it doesn't stop them from accessing the site... it just makes it really difficult so that they get frustrated and give up. By that I mean it has a 25% chance of just whitescreening on a pageload (loading nothing), 25% chance of saying it timed out. 25% chance of getting redirected to another page (of your choosing) and a delay of up to 60 seconds. (The last 25% is them actually getting to the page they requested with no issues.) But I stress that this is only for self-hosted sites. Jcink and IcBoards aren't going to add this feature (because it'll cause people to flock to the support forums saying "the site is slow" or "your service is crap"). It's too much of a risk/headache for them.

 

 

If you're on a host like Jcink or IcyBoards then pretty much your only option is to ban them every time they show up. You could possibly use javascript/jQuery to sort of replicate the miserable user mod but it'd be pretty easy for anyone who knows coding to get around. But if you don't want to do that then it's just ban and be done.

I wouldn't bother messaging them or anything, just ban them and they'll get it eventually. I mean it takes longer for them to make an account than it does for you to ban it. Also continue to delete any messages/things they post on site trying to get involved or perpetuate their crap.

[Josie 198]

There's nothing you can do to force this person to let go. You can't control the way they react to anything, only the way you react to them.

 

In my opinion, their actions don't seem all that out of line of someone suffering from depression. Consider this: it takes effort to troll. You are expending a great deal of energy already making it difficult for them to do this, so it is unlikely that they keep coming back simply to get you riled up. Your community is possibly the only place where they were even mildly tolerated (for a time) and had a chance to have some interaction with others. Their behavior problems could be a combination of depression, lack of immaturity, or not knowing any better. Getting told to shape up or ship out seems to have made them try to shape up so that they were not shipped out, but it's difficult to change the way we behave even when we're physically and mentally healthy; so it's unsurprising that this person backslid to the point that they were banned. It is likely that they would have had troubles accepting this even if they had not been banned, but being banned could have been the catalyst for a lot of this behavior. For someone who is sensitive and hurting, it can be a very traumatizing experience: and when we hurt, the first reaction most people have is to do whatever we have to to take the hurt away. It would seem that, for this person, the simplest solution to doing away with their hurt would be to be "accepted" back into your community.

 

But, that isn't going to happen.

 

So my advice on what to do would be to send them a very clear message. It should:

• Acknowledge that they are taking steps to improve themselves (regardless of whether or not this is true)
• Acknowledge that they want to be a part of the community
• State that in spite of this, they are not and will never be welcome back to the site because of reasons x, y, and z
• If they are feeling better, then these communities might be good places for them to start: include links to other forums or directories where they can look for a forum
• If they are not feeling better or need someone to talk to about this, then consider speaking with someone at 7 Cups of Tea

You need to do all of this without being aggressive, and while being honest.

 

Example:

Dear [name],

While I am glad you're getting the help you need, the community will not now- nor ever- accept you back into it. We were hurt by you, and our wounds cannot heal when you keep trying to return. Even after we have healed, for us, the risk of being hurt by you again is not worth the potential stories we could write with you. Further attempts to rejoin the site will result in all traces of you being removed.

 

If you would like to join another forum, some of these might be good places to start: x, y, z. If you can't find what you're looking for there, try some of these directories: x, y, and z.

 

I understand that this might be hard to hear and while it is not my intention to hurt you, this is the truth you deserved. If you need someone to talk to about what's happened, consider trying out Seven Cups of Tea. You can talk with someone there anonymously about any situation that's causing you emotional distress.

 

Thank you for your understanding, and I wish you the best of luck!

- [your name]

[Bishop 172]

It is for sure a rough situation. I'm very thankful I have never been to this point, other than when we first went on our own there was a player who flat out was banned because they would do crazy OOC things that actually made us afraid for the player they were after.

 

I couldn't ban their IP because they had a proxy and like...they finally just let it go and moved on.

 

Which is exactly what happens and will happen. They will move on, and so will you! Just keep your chin up, don't talk shit about them anywhere, and just enjoy your board. They will move on.

[xexes 108]

I am sending you a PM with information about how to block proxies. I feel confident he is using a proxy tool rather than the rarer situation where someone's ISP gives them dynamic IPs.

 

You are 100% doing the right thing. He is the exact same as a troll and living off of your responses, except he is taking the lesser done pity-party approach. His suicide threats are classic manipulation techniques. Continue to ignore and clean up.

 

Don't worry about him attempting to poison your new members. People can smell this sort of thing and know better. The members who really want to play will continue to do so and the others will do the same as they would have done regardless.

Edited March 27, 2017 by xexes